My boyfriend of almost a year came out to me as a trans woman. How do I know what’s right for me?

A 19-year-old girl’s boyfriend just came out as trans, and she’s trying to figure out what to do. They’re in love, but it’s a huge change, and she’s sharing her story. Read on!

‘ My boyfriend of almost a year came out to me as a trans woman. How do I know what’s right for me?’

So, my boyfriend (he’s 21, I’m 19) dropped a bomb on me last week – he wants to be a woman. He’s not there yet, but he’s been feeling this way since middle school and is finally ready to talk about it and do something about it. We’ve been together for almost a year.

Yeah, it doesn’t sound like that long, but wow, we’re really close! We get along amazing, have a blast, and he’s seriously perfect. I feel incredibly lucky, I love him to bits, and I’m totally there for him. But ever since he told me [whatever he told her], all I can think is… what about me?

I’m totally stuck on whether to stick it out and see what happens or just cut my losses and leave. He’s been super understanding, though, and says it’s totally cool whatever I decide. We both want what’s best for ourselves, you know?

I’ve been bouncing ideas off friends and family, but it’s making me even MORE confused! I keep changing my mind depending on who I talk to, and I’m worried I’m not even making my own decisions. Plus, I’m a total emotional rollercoaster right now.

This is the woman I thought I’d marry, but honestly, I’m not sure I’m still into her. Watching her fade away would kill me, but…what about love? Do I bail because I deserve better? Or stick it out because I can’t picture myself with anyone else?

Ugh, it’s so frustrating! Every time I try to find help, it’s all about making *him* comfortable. What about me?! I’m not trying to be mean, I just want him to be happy, and I want to be happy too.

It’s a shame that this world is so cruel and makes all of this 10 times more difficult than it already is. I am here for him and I have been accepting and he’s already told me how grateful he is for that. I’m grateful for his understanding and support too.. Any thoughts are much appreciated.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

TempestCola −  You’re 19; he won’t be the first or last love of your life.  If this makes you uncomfortable you’re not compatible period. 

knitwise −  Feel grateful that he told you now after ten months and not 12 years and two children in. Having gone through this personally, I absolutely suggest you break up. You can always stay friends and be supportive,

I loved her, but the attraction just wasn’t there anymore after she transitioned. Turns out, the woman I married was totally different than who I thought she was. The guy I fell for? Never existed.

heydeservinglistener −  You’re 19. You’ve said you don’t see yourself with a woman and he’s come out. I’m personally doubting he is the love of your life, though its great you had a positive relationship with him. Heartbreaks are hard but most of adults go through them and they all turn out okay. You’re going to be okay too if you breakup.

Hey, it’s cool to take your time if you’re unsure. You could totally tell him you’re super supportive but need some space to figure out where you fit in all this. Just say you need time to think things through.

So, totally ask him what he thinks! He’s already mulled it over and how it’ll affect you guys. He’s had more time to process it than you have. It’s awesome he’s comfortable being himself, but don’t forget to look after yourself too.

Hey, it’s okay to admit you’re confused and unsure about where things stand with him. You really like him, but you’re wondering if you two are even right for each other anymore.

Flower-of-Telperion −  If you aren’t attracted to women, the romantic relationship you have with this person is over. That’s okay. And it’s okay for you to grieve the end of a relationship. One thing I would ***not*** recommend is going into online spaces dominated by people who call themselves “trans widows.”

These folks are really stuck in a dark place with their grief, and it’s making them seriously transphobic. If you’re in college, check if they offer free counseling – but be sure the counselor isn’t going to make things worse.

Maybe you two can still be friends. But honestly, only you know if that’s the right move. Can your love for them turn into the kind of love you have for your girlfriends? That’s the big question.

Your boyfriend’s changing, and your feelings might change too as you get to know the real him. Maybe you’ll fall out of love, and that’s totally okay—breakups happen, no matter why.

ATek_ −  Break up with him. You are under no obligation to stay in a relationship that doesn’t suit you. “I’m happy for you that you feel comfortable expressing yourself in this new manner but this is not the type of relationship that I am seeking.” He should be as understanding of you as you are to him.

airhornsman −  There’s a subreddit called mypartneristrans that helped me significantly. You’re 19, you have a lot of life ahead of you, and it’s ok to prioritize what you want and need.

So, my ex came out as trans (MtF) after 10 years together, 7 married. We split – nothing to do with her transition, she’s just a total jerk. Hit me up if you’ve got questions.

louisiana_lagniappe −  Even if you are bisexual, even if you are attracted to this person no matter their gender, the process of transitioning is very difficult on a person and on their partner. At a minimum you really do need a therapist to help you work through it. 

sheilahulud −  You’re 19. So much to see and grow. Wish them well and move on.

bakedbombshell −  If you’re straight, you should break up. If you’re questioning your sexuality, you should talk to a therapist about this situation.

buildingbeautiful −  There are like a million other people you can be with

So, love vs. self – what’s a girl to do? Should she go with her gut about this guy, or stick around and see what happens? Let’s hear your thoughts!