AITA for refusing to have a fully child-free wedding?

The man hopes his 15-year-old son from a prior relationship will be at his wedding, but his fiancée wants a wedding without children. The fiancée is firm about not allowing anyone under 16, explaining that she doesn’t want to “babysit” or have his “old family” present.

The man contended that his son was a special case and essential to his feeling of family unity on the important day. Currently, the situation is fraught, with his fiancée charging him with being manipulative. The original account can be found below…

‘ AITA for refusing to have a fully child-free wedding?’

I recently asked my girlfriend of many years to marry me, and we’re now making plans for a summer wedding next year, although it’s still early days. My fiancee has said she’d prefer a wedding without children, which I’m fine with, but I do have one request: that my son (15M) be there.

I had him before this relationship, and we share his care equally. Up until recently, my fiancee and he got on wonderfully. We’ve gone on family outings, she’s been to his hockey games, and they’ve even had some fun one-on-one time.

I mentioned my desire to bend the “no kids” rule for my son, but she immediately rejected the suggestion. She stated that she didn’t want anyone younger than 16 present because she didn’t want herself or anyone else to feel obligated to babysit during her celebration.

I explained to her that a babysitter wouldn’t be necessary; he’s 15, and she’s aware that he’s well-mannered and generally keeps to himself. She then shifted her argument, questioning why I desired my former family and life on the very day I was meant to pledge my commitment to her and our new family.

I explained to her that even though I’m committing to her, my son and family will remain a priority. She then compared the situation to me wanting my ex-wife at our wedding, which is something I don’t want and never requested. I told her that I don’t care about how the wedding looks and that she can choose everything else.

the food, the aesthetic, the music, the dress, but all i want is my family at the wedding (my parents, my sisters and my son), that is my only ultimatum when it comes to our wedding.. She started calling me controlling by giving me an ultimatum and said I had initially agreed to a child-free wedding and now im “g**lighting” her.

I suggested a wedding that’s mostly adults-only, but with a specific exception. I feel this is fair because the only child attending is the groom’s son, so guests shouldn’t object. She responded by calling me an *sshole and now refuses to speak to me. I truly believe this is a reasonable request, but perhaps I’m missing something. So, am I the *sshole?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

YouthNAsia63 −  Wow wow wow. She doesn’t want *your own child* to come to your own wedding. And not a crying baby or a terrible two, but a *fifteen year old*, a kid that will be old enough to drive next year-when the wedding is??? If this goes on as she wants, do you think your kid won’t remember?

Yea, I’m sorry to say it, friend, but this situation is screaming evil stepmother vibes. The fact that she’s focused on *you* making a commitment to *her* and *her* family, and that she thinks having your son around is the same as having your ex-*wife* around? Seriously. You need to bail out now, and consider the wedding deposits a small price to pay.

Spare yourself and your child a lot of suffering. You would be the one in the wrong if you were to marry this woman. To add, you’ve never experienced an argument of this magnitude before, because until now, she’s been acting. However, she now feels secure enough in the relationship to reveal her true self to you.

The_cupcake_ −  NTA. READ CAREFULLY. It reminds me of an another post on Reddit. Same situation the girl did not wanted her boyfriend to bring his daughter from his previous relationship to the wedding !

After he insisted that his daughter and family would always come first and were non-negotiable, she confessed that she had anticipated him becoming a “part-time dad.” She had hoped that once they had children together, his daughter would become less important in his thoughts and life.

The man didn’t hesitate for a moment. Rightfully repulsed, he ended the relationship. He then took his daughter on vacation during what would have been his wedding week. Beginning a new family is no excuse to abandon or devalue your existing one.

And just think about the impression your son will form of both YOU and HER. I apologize, as English isn’t my first language. I often feel people exaggerate on REDDIT, but this is definitely not one of those times. Your son is your family, not a remnant of your past.

Please, I implore you to make the right choice and set a positive example for your son.

imaginary_labyrinth −  Don’t go through with this wedding. Your fiancée is being controlling, g**lighting you, and showing you exactly how she will behave if you are married. She doesn’t want your son in the picture and will do everything she can to ruin what relationship you have with him.

She’s comparing his presence at your wedding to your ex being there? In her eyes, your son is equivalent to your ex, and you’ll eventually find yourself trapped in an unhappy marriage, with your son absent from your life. You’re not the one in the wrong. She is.

thesweeterpeter −  NTA There is a giant red flag on the play here. Your son is your son, he’s not going anywhere. asked why i wanted my old family and life on the day I was supposed to making a commitment to her and our new family,

She appears to have a false impression that your bond with your son will be different once you marry her. You need to address this issue – or think long and hard about whether to proceed. Blended families are challenging, and it seems she has an idealized vision. You don’t fit into that vision, because you have a past she can’t accept.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. She then changed her reasoning and asked why i wanted my old family and life on the day I was supposed to making a commitment to her and our new family OP your fiancé just showed her hand. She considers your son part of your old life, and your old family.

That little mistake could easily indicate she’s just putting up with your son and will likely try to sideline him once you’re married. This also raises concerns about her potentially favoring any children you have together over him. I’d seriously reconsider if this is the woman you want to marry, especially after she issued an ultimatum.

NuffSaid8 −  I got as far as you “old family” and she is your new family. This woman will destroy your relationship with your son and anyone else from your past. She has given you a glimpse of what is coming your way.

Once a woman is married, she will gradually orchestrate events to isolate you from your son, pre-existing friends, and family members who still maintain ties with your ex. Speaking from personal experience, it’s often the accuser who is actually engaging in gaslighting behavior.

Even if she modifies her stance regarding your son’s attendance, attributing it to pre-wedding jitters or other factors, resist being swayed. She has revealed her true character. She might begin to backtrack slightly upon realizing this is not a battle she can win, but do not be deceived by this.

Someone who describes your child as an element of your past and suggests that you might as well invite your former partner is not a suitable individual to have around your son.

Aussiealterego −  She wants to exclude your son from your wedding. Read that again. Now think about, if this is how she is before marriage, imagine how much emotional damage she will do to that poor child after marriage. She wants to exclude him from your life. This is just the start.

LOC_damn −  Dude, you can’t marry someone who calls your child your “old family”. She has no interest in him. That’s not healthy for a kid/teen. If you marry someone who doesn’t want him around next she’ll demand that she be your sole inheritor and ‘promise’ to make sure you son is taken care of in the event of your d**th.

Dude, she’s not keen on your child. She referred to having him around as “babysitting.” You’d be the AH if you married her.

SeApps63 −  NTA Major red flags. Child free in most people’s minds typically wouldn’t include those in HS. Why is she cool with a 16 year old but not 15?
If that’s true, you could say “okay, no problem sweetie. Well just have to make sure the wedding is after (son’s birthday) so he can come” and smile away.

^note I wouldn’t really suggest initiating a nuclear argument with this, but there’s a significant issue on the horizon that needs discussion.

Is he out of line to demand that his son attend?