AITA for talking to my bio dad and not man who raised me?

A user on Reddit is struggling with whether to re-establish contact with her biological father. He was largely absent during her formative years, but in recent times, he has genuinely tried to be a part of her children’s lives.

She questions whether permitting her biological father to assume the role of “grandpa” is a betrayal of her stepfather—the man who brought her up—particularly considering her stepfather’s increasing detachment.

Even though her stepfather isn’t around, she’s unsure about how his relatives will feel about her building a relationship with her biological father. Keep reading to find out how she’s dealing with this tricky family situation.

‘ AITA for talking to my bio dad and not man who raised me?’

To make a long story concise, my biological father had minimal participation in my upbringing, seeing me for roughly two weeks each summer. Our relationship was troubled, leading me to cease communication with him around the age of 10 or 11. My mother remarried early in my life and subsequently had my sibling.

The man she wed is the person I knew as my father during my childhood. He fulfilled the role of a good father. However, he was unfaithful to my mother, leading to their divorce. I was angry, but we maintained a reasonable connection until approximately six years prior. Presently, I am in my thirties and have children. My stepfather has become emotionally detached, a change that began when he remarried.

He makes no effort to visit my children, despite us residing in the same small community. There are no phone calls or messages. I extend invitations to him and his spouse, along with my children’s other grandparents, for every event in my children’s lives. He hasn’t attended a single birthday celebration for my children in the past seven years.

He’s absent from concerts, sports games, and school functions. He did shock me once by attending grandparents day. I send him pictures and updates of the kids via text, but he never responds. He’s good with technology, so it’s not due to a lack of know-how. My youngest child didn’t even recognize him in pictures.

He had also grown detached from my sibling. Enter my biological father. When I was in my early 30s, I allowed him the opportunity to be a grandfather to my children. He wasn’t a great father to me, but I could see he had evolved and desired for them to have the chance to get acquainted with him and his relatives.

He’s been consistently great. Despite living far away, he’s been more present in my children’s lives than my own father was in mine. He calls to see how they are doing, is aware of what they enjoy, entertains them with jokes during phone calls, and even video chats with them to read aloud.

I really don’t mind chatting with him; it’s actually been quite pleasant. Now, here’s why I might be the bad guy. I have this nagging feeling that I’m being disloyal to my stepdad by letting my biological father be present in my life and the lives of my children. It feels wrong to practically push my stepdad aside.

I’m also concerned that his parents will think less of me once they learn I’m communicating with my child’s father again. It feels disrespectful to the parent who handled the challenging aspects of raising our child, even though they weren’t obligated to do so. Am I in the wrong here?

Should I cut ties with my bio dad? Any other suggestions? TLDR: am I the a**hole for having a relationship with my bio dad when my step dad is the one who raised me?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Aromatic-Arugula-896 −  Why do you feel guilty kicking your SD to the curb? Sounds like he already kicked you there first…. NTA

East_Parking8340 −  Well, you didn’t kick SD to the curb he bolted for it. It *could* be that he feels guilty about his behaviour and doesn’t want to face you and his actions against your mother,

but it’s more probable that he’s behaving like many men (and a few women), abandoning his old existence for his new one with barely a hint of remorse. Not the a**hole.

PumpkinPowerful3292 −  NTA – This part: ‘t just seems like a slap in the face to the one that did the hard parts of parenting when he didn’t have to be.’ No he didn’t do the hard part, at least not after you grew up and had your own kids. Where has he been since?

Nowhere, that’s the place. However, your father has already accomplished the difficult task of transforming his behavior towards you, which was likely a significant challenge for him. Therefore, I believe he has risen to the occasion with you and your children, offering them a fulfilling upbringing.

Children benefit from having positive adult influences, and they are fortunate to have your biological father present in their lives. Your biological father has proven his worth, whereas your stepfather has now deserted you. This is the message you should convey to him or anyone else. Therefore, you have not betrayed anyone; on the contrary, you have acted admirably.

LouisV25 −  NTA. You can’t betray someone that doesn’t want to be involved. At the end of the day, you’ve tried to include him, he’s not interested. For yourself, take the years he was a good dad and hold those memories dear.

He did what he was supposed to do for you while he was married to your Mom. For you kids, go where the love is. If Dad is ready to be a granddad, let him. The kids need love and not r**ection.

For everyone else encountering criticism, simply state that the stepfather has opted to withdraw from your and your child’s lives following his remarriage, despite your best efforts. Now is the opportune moment for your children to connect with their grandfather, especially if your father is open to it.

RoyallyOakie −  NTA…You’re a mature and forgiving person. You have given everyone a chance, and your biological father is the one who has stepped up. Don’t doubt yourself and feel no guilt.

Intelligent_Read_697 −  what changed six years ago for him to stop talking/interacting with you?

Isaaaafire −  You’re not an a**hole for wanting your kids to have a loving and involved grandparent in their lives. Relationships aren’t about who did what in the past but about who’s present now.

You’ve offered your stepfather numerous opportunities to participate, but he declined. The fact that your biological father is actively present and building memories with your children is fortunate. Don’t feel bad about accepting that.

Accomplished_Mud1658 −  Stepdad kick himself out… What are you supposed to do? He’s just not interested. You can work any feeling of guilt in therapy but the reality is what it is.

hubertburnette −  NTA It’s pretty common for s**tty parents to be surprisingly good grandparents. It seems weird it would go the other way–I’m so sorry for you.

Odd-End-1405 −  NTA. You are NOT betraying your stepdad. It is apparent that, although he was a very good stepdad and treated you well, you WERE his step-child and thus are really no longer part of his family.

Don’t keep exposing yourself and your kids to potential harm. He’s not truly their grandfather because he’s opted out of genuinely caring for them. He’s simply the father of their uncle. You can still try to maintain a polite connection.

If he makes an effort to connect and engage with you and the kids, welcome him with open arms. Having more grandparents in a child’s life is always a plus. However, shield them from potential pain and disillusionment stemming from his potential disinterest. It’s crucial for you to keep their hopes in check.

As for your biological father, it’s clear you’ve come to realize that individuals and their connections evolve over time. If you two are developing a stronger bond and your children are gaining another caring figure in their lives, welcome it.

You’re not being disloyal; instead, you’re fortifying and broadening your connections. These relationships don’t have to be exclusive, and it seems the focus has simply shifted to who will be closer to you right now.

Enjoy those who demonstrate they care and actively participate in your and your children’s lives. Adjust your expectations for those who don’t seem very engaged or interested, and simply view them differently. Best of luck.

Is it right for the Reddit user to allow her biological father to be involved in her children’s lives, even though she feels devoted to the stepfather who brought her up? Should she feel bad, or is it time for her to focus on what’s best for her children’s connections with family? What do you think?