I told my daughters that I was moving on with the separation anyway ?

A woman on Reddit recounts the agonizing ordeal of navigating a divorce stemming from her husband’s previous unfaithfulness, only to discover that her teenage daughters vehemently disagree with her choice. Despite her efforts to communicate her motivations, her daughters have expressed their desire for her to remain with their father and have even resorted to threatening to sever ties if she proceeds with the divorce. The complete account follows.

‘ I told my daughters that I was moving on with the separation anyway ?’

I discovered my husband’s infidelity while I was expecting our children, and this happened on both occasions. It was only three months ago that I learned about it, and up until then, we were a content family, and my husband is an excellent father. Our daughters, aged 14 and 16, are aware of the reason for our divorce and that he had two affairs with two different women, but they are not privy to all the specifics.

They disapprove of divorce in general, and they warned me that they would cut ties with me if I proceeded, given that the transgression occurred so far in the past. I realize they dislike change and the disruption it would cause in their lives. I am aware of all of this, but I simply cannot remain with him. I cannot even bear to look at him. There is no solution.

Therapy isn’t proving effective, and they’re resolute about cutting ties. It’s been two months since we last met. Currently, we share a compact studio apartment, alternating weeks between the house with the girls and residing in the studio.

The girls don’t want to be at the house with me when I’m there during the week, but they do stay with my husband at the studio. (My therapist advised against changing this setup, as I considered moving to the studio full-time to give them more living space.)

We purchased our home in 2003, and its value has increased fourfold. As a result, we will be able to afford two respectable homes, even if they aren’t as large or aesthetically pleasing as this one. It’s not as if they will be living in squalor.

Before this situation arose, they were equally affectionate and loving towards both of us. Now, their affection is solely directed towards him. They explicitly stated last week that initiating divorce proceedings would result in complete estrangement from them. When I stated my intention to not reconcile with him, they responded by saying I had made my decision and they would no longer have contact with me.

Check out how the community responded:

CarpeCyprinidae −  NTA. Teenagers are stubborn and they think they can force your hand. If you give in to this you would be setting an example that its OK to submit to a**sive or unfaithful relationships if someone applies pressure. Not something girls should be learning as the norm.

Let them know that if they ever need to leave a situation to safeguard themselves, you’ll be there for them. It’s regrettable they don’t reciprocate that feeling, but it won’t alter your commitment to doing what’s right.

ritan7471 −  For your husband, it happened years and years ago, but for you, it happened 3 months ago. He’s had plenty of time to get over it. It didn’t happen to your daughters, so it’s easy for them to brush it under the rug and pretend it’s no big deal, and that you’re the bad guy.

I am unaware of what your husband may have conveyed, but your therapist offers sound advice. It’s crucial to adhere to the established agreement. Furthermore, if it hasn’t been done already, your daughters should also receive counseling. They require an unbiased viewpoint, separate from both you and your husband, to effectively process their emotions. Although I empathize with their suffering, they are misdirecting their feelings toward an inappropriate target.

You are completely justified in feeling deceived, distrusting your husband, and struggling to maintain the same level of affection as before. Discovering this information would undoubtedly lead me, if I were in your position, to question whether there’s more to the story and to doubt the exclusivity of these two instances.

DerpDevilDD −  NTA They’re young and scared, which equals poor decisions. They understand that their dad did something bad, but in child logic, you are the one causing the problem, because you are the one who wants to change things. It sucks and it’s unfair. Hopefully, they’ll figure it out with therapy sooner rather than later. But, no matter what happens, you’re not the a**hole. You’re not doing anything wrong.

RenaH80 −  NTA. Kids don’t understand the whys… only that the family is breaking up and it looks like you are the one who chose this. It’s not just the cheating… it’s the 16 years of lying, too. Let them be upset. Continue to tell them you’re there for them when ready, keep showing up.

Don’t speak negatively about your father, even if you strongly feel the urge to (and are justified in feeling hurt by his actions). Attempt to empathize with the children, as they are unaware of the situation and won’t grasp it until later.

Putrid-Army-56 −  f**k that man and you are raising daughters. if you don’t show them how to have self worth and respect then who will? you’re doing great mama. i know it’s hard but you got this.

is76 −  Move forward with your life. Keep the door open for them but it might be years before they come back – if at all. Sorry it has come to this but they don’t understand the gravity of their ultimatum

bubblyyywarrior −  while your daughters are currently aligning more with your husband due to the upheaval, it’s essential to stay true to yourself and your needs. In time, with patience and continued love, they may come to understand and accept your choices. You’re not alone in this, and reaching out for support from friends, family, or professionals can help you navigate these challenging waters.

phred0095 −  It is possible to do everything right and still be hated. I’m sorry you have to go through this. But I do support your choice. It seems to be the right one. You’re going to have grief no matter what you do. May as well have grief for doing the right thing versus screwing up.

No-Neighborhood-7611 −  Yeah, it happened a long time ago, but you just found out, and it’going to chang you and your relationship. This emotional b**ckmail and it’s incredibly unfair to dismiss your feeling, but they’re teenagers, and all teenagers have tunnel vision and are self-centered. Hopefully, they attend therapy, and as they mature, they begin to see and understand why you had to leave.

DaisySam3130 −  Ask them how they feel when their boyfriends openly cheat on them. Ask them how they cope with the emotional devastation as perhaps they could help you cope better. I hope that they grow up soon. and yes, they definately should know why you are splitting up.

How can she address her daughters’ intense opposition and unwillingness to visit her if she proceeds with the divorce? Is it possible for her to progress in this situation while maintaining a connection with them? Please share your opinions and guidance in the space below!