AITA for ruining our family dinner after a comment about my smile?
A woman suffering from long-term pain recounts how, prior to a holiday meal, her mother made hurtful remarks regarding her smile during family pictures. Her mother, known for downplaying her pain and exhibiting strange competitiveness, criticized her for making a “terrible” face, even imitating it in a mocking manner.
Embarrassed and annoyed, the woman abandoned the meal, telling her spouse and children to continue without her. She now wonders if her actions spoiled her family’s night. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA for ruining our family dinner after a comment about my smile?’
Some context: My mom is a strange person and my dad has mentioned for as long as I can recall that we don’t get along. It’s hard to fully articulate just how strange she is, other than to say she seems to vie for my father’s attention—not just with me, but also with her grandsons.
If my father wants to read them a story, or tuck them in bed, she interrupts and tells him it’s time for *him* to go to sleep?? It’s incredibly cringy to watch.
The other pertinent fact is that I have chronic pain- every avenue has been exhausted, my successful career is gone,
She constantly minimizes my suffering, dismissing it as a minor headache, despite knowing I’m perpetually in discomfort. Meanwhile, she’s perpetually seeking medical attention for every insignificant ache, exaggerating them into catastrophic events. Consequently, tonight was supposed to be our inaugural family dinner outing.
We arrive at the entrance hall, and since it’s Christmastime, everyone’s in fancy attire and the place is adorned with holiday decorations, prompting me to snap some photos. Eventually, I request my dad to capture a picture of our family. While we’re positioning ourselves with our kids for the photograph, I witness my mom approach my dad and exclaim, “Quit it! Put on a better smile.”
I honestly think she’s talking to one of our boys. Since I can’t see their faces, I add in, “ok, nice smiles”. However, my mom interjects again, “No, you, (my name)! Your smile is horrible! It looks like ‹she takes her fingers, puts them on each side of her mouth and pulls one up and one down while tilting her head›!
I must admit I’m perplexed because I’m honestly grinning. I understand that the suffering I’ve experienced has probably diminished the intensity of my smile, making it less apparent in my eyes than it once was. Nevertheless, she’s behaving as if I were pulling a silly expression. I attempt to recompose myself, but she repeats her outburst, “Stop making that face!” Now, I’m incensed.
I drop the pose, retrieve my phone from my father, grab my bag, and head to the restaurant. But she’s not finished. She rushes after me, still insisting that I need to review the photos to understand how terrible my smile looked. Which I did. And it wasn’t! There was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with the picture!
Her continuous justification of her behavior eventually pushed me to my limit. I halted, apologized to my husband, and announced my intention to return to the room, suggesting he and the children proceed to dinner without me. The intense anger I felt transformed into tears the moment I was away from her.
In her perception (and possibly others’ as well), I am to blame for the unsuccessful dinner, and I likely am… I wish I could disregard her comments. Due to the losses and suffering I’ve endured, I feel like a shadow of who I once was; I can’t even manage a genuine smile anymore! But I’m quite certain I’m behaving like an awful person to those closest to me, which only exacerbates the situation.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
WhereWeretheAdults − NTA. It is past time to put some distance between you and your mother. She has serious issues if she is this jealous of you and your children’s interactions with your father. That is not mentally healthy. Realize two things.
What she’s doing is a form of mental abuse, plain and simple. The ongoing put-downs are abusive. She embarrasses you in front of others to get the most impact, driven by her unhealthy desire to be the focus.
She views you as a rival in that area and, as a result, tries to harm you emotionally to get rid of the perceived threat. She is unwell. The second point to understand is that being in her presence normalizes disrespect toward you in your children’s eyes and teaches them to put up with being mistreated by people they care about.
This is showing your kids a really bad way to live. Get them out of this situation. Your father is basically allowing this to happen. He lets your mother control you as much as she wants. He’s also to blame here. Basically, your parents are awful, so you need to concentrate on your own family and distance yourself from them.
MissNikiL − NTA You did not ruin the dinner. Your mom did. She deliberately degraded you, pushed you, heckled you, and shamed you. All the other adults, including your husband, s**k. Your husband should have stood up for you. Period. Instead he watched her do all these things and knew you were hurt by them.
Your father has permitted your mother to act this way throughout your whole life. He has allowed her to verbally and emotionally mistreat you, and that’s that. Your mother is an abusive, heartless, narcissistic jerk. I bet she is relishing all the focus she is receiving by pretending to be the injured party.
To safeguard your mental well-being, consider consulting a therapist to navigate your challenges. Therapy can be invaluable in addressing chronic pain, a spouse who doesn’t advocate for you, and overbearing parents. Initiating limited contact with your parents now is advisable; they shouldn’t have a direct view of your suffering.
BabserellaWT − NTA. my mother is odd. You spelled “needy and narcissistic” wrong.
elgrn1 − Your mother sounds like a n**cissist. There are ways to handle them, by either grey rocking or going no contact. While you’re not in the wrong for leaving, you gave her what she wanted, which was an emotional reaction. Your father presumably enables her, but if your husband stayed,
Moreover, if he’s angry with you, contrary to your belief that he just has a negative opinion of you, then you’re also dealing with a marital issue. It would benefit you to consult a specialized therapist who can assist you in addressing the emotional wounds caused by being raised by a narcissistic parent.
There might be a link between your traumatic experiences and the pain you’re experiencing. Trauma can be psychological or physical, meaning it can manifest in the body. It’s possible for trauma to shift and lead to physical problems. “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk and “It Didn’t Start with You” by Mark Wolynn are excellent books on this topic.
Mathalamus2 − NTA, your mother is an awful person.
EJ_1004 − NTA Not everything needs to be commented on. Your Mom is being a butthole in all the worst ways. I’m sure your smile was beautiful. Don’t allow her to dim your light. I AM noticing that your Mom is the only antagonizer in this story.
If she frequently acts this way, I strongly suggest distancing yourself from her for a while to evaluate your feelings in her absence. While it may be challenging and she might protest, prioritizing your mental well-being can significantly improve your overall contentment.
Fickle_Toe1724 − NTA. Your mom is deliberately mentally abusing you. When she starts again, tell your husband “I’m sorry, but my mother will not be joining us. Dad can if he wants to, but not my mother.” Say it where she can hear. Warn him ahead of time of your plan. He needs to back you up on this.
If you have misgivings, inform the host that the arrangements have been altered, reducing the party to 4 (or 5) individuals, and that your mother will be absent. Do not surrender your spouse and offspring to her influence. Your children should witness you asserting your boundaries. Maintain this stance throughout the remainder of the journey.
Once you’re back, consider cutting off all contact. Bodily discomfort can make it harder to tolerate nonsense from others, and dealing with their nonsense can make physical pain harder to tolerate. I understand this well.
My medical doctor, psychological doctor, and counselor have assisted me in navigating this situation. Enduring persistent discomfort for more than four decades has provided me with considerable insight. I tend to avoid individuals who frequently express disapproval. I wish you well.
Suitable-Park184 − NTA. I would keep my distance. And definitely not travel with them. But if it happens again split off with your husband and kids. Go somewhere together without your parents. Don’t punish your family by sending them off with her. Leave her behind.
Ziitiikii − Time to get rid of the biggest pain in your life, your Mom. Go NC, I have a feeling your chronic pain may be your body on overload from the constant tension and mental abuse from your Mom. As for your Mom, I know some are saying narcissists, which may be the case, but does definitely sound like some undiagnosed mental issues.
ByebyeWNY − This is a competition over whose pain is more real.
Was leaving essential for maintaining her dignity, or should she have remained for the good of her family? Is her mother acting inappropriately? What are your thoughts?
