I’m (37F) looking for advice on how to communicate that my partner’s (38M) lack of communication is not acceptable?

A woman on Reddit (37F) is asking for guidance on how to handle her husband’s (38M) persistent communication problems throughout their decade-long marriage. Despite her consistent attempts to meet him halfway and start conversations, he consistently avoids, accuses, and shuts down, which makes her feel ignored and annoyed.

She’s at the end of her rope and aims to express her emotions with respect, staying true to herself as she discusses his lack of engagement and the impact it’s having on their connection. See her full story below.

‘ I’m (37F) looking for advice on how to communicate that my partner’s (38M) lack of communication is not acceptable?’

Even as I write this, I’m feeling lost and annoyed. Throughout our decade-long marriage, my spouse and I have had trouble talking to each other. I feel like I’m going out of my way to make up for his poor communication skills, and I eventually get so annoyed that I lash out, which he then uses as a reason to avoid speaking with me.

Frequently, I receive no answer. After waiting for more than a minute, I inquire whether the timing is inconvenient, if they require additional time for contemplation, or if they have heard me. However, if my wait is shorter than a minute, I’m deemed impatient, and suddenly they are “unable” to engage in conversation.

He often seems annoyed and bothered, but when questioned, he claims that I am the one controlling his feelings and that I should become more secure when others express frustration.

If I don’t inquire, he says I’m annoying. But if I were to speak, behave, or just be different, he wouldn’t be as annoyed and would be open to talking with me. If I ask how I can change, he reverts to saying I’m controlling his feelings. I’m at my wit’s end. I can’t keep being held responsible for this pattern of communication.

I have acknowledged my involvement and inquired about ways to improve our communication. He remains unresponsive, instead repeating that I am frustrating or inattentive. I recently suggested finding a suitable time to resolve this, offering options for communication such as in-person, email, text, or Discord.

He opted for our private Discord channel, wanting more time for contemplation and designating that evening as the timeframe. I concurred, promising to initiate a conversation. I then posed this question: “Do you believe enhancing our communication would be possible by alleviating some daily pressures beforehand?”

Is it necessary to first establish an environment where such complaints can be expressed? This suggestion was prompted by our discussion. He is discouraged and overburdened, yet he doesn’t believe he can share his concerns with me. He didn’t reply. The following day, I inquired whether he could make responding to me a priority, and he said that he would.

That night passed, and he hadn’t gotten back to me. I checked in to see what he was up to, and he said he planned on watching television. I then asked if he could carve out a few minutes to reply on Discord. He told me he would. I’m completely baffled, and this morning I woke up crying because I still hadn’t received a response.

These patterns have been a constant in our relationship. He used to be more open during our courtship. I regret not realizing this was his true nature. I’m at my limit, but I want to handle his silence with dignity and honesty. What’s the best way to tell him that I won’t tolerate being ignored like this?

I’d like to emphasize that I’ve fulfilled his requests precisely and I’m seeking improved dialogue, but it currently seems unilateral. Historically, this would lead to me being accused of fault-finding, shifting the focus of our discussion to my alleged tendency to place blame on others.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

clioke −  That sounds exhausting for both of you. Have you considered bringing in a professional third party to help in the form of a therapist? Conversations would be scheduled ahead of time and go at a pace that both of you are comfortable with.

ExpressingThoughts −  Do you have anything that would tie you together so that you need to communicate after divorcing (such as kids)? What you have doesn’t sound like much of a marriage if you don’t even talk to each other. Is there a reason you both are choosing to stay together?

MLeek −  You need to realize the actual agreement in your marriage, is that he gets to this, and you put up with it. That is the actual agreement you’ve made with this man. **It doesn’t matter how you say it’s unacceptable, if you both know you’re gonna go on accepting it.**

This isn’t about the way something is said, or the specific language used. The core problem is that you’re in a situation entirely beneficial to him, while being completely detrimental to you. He’s made up his mind that he doesn’t need to talk things over with you, that his desire to avoid communication is somehow your doing, and that nothing you can do will alter his perspective.

Discord’s stance is firm. Your most expressive movements won’t sway him. He’s made it clear he’s not interested in conversing or hearing your perspective, and his reasons are his own. Since you’re not willing to modify your behavior, he’s content with the situation. He sees no issue.

He has a marital arrangement that suits his needs, achieving his desired outcomes. However, a limit exists where upholding one’s principles becomes impossible while still agreeing to remain in a marriage operating under *those* conditions.

Seek professional help. Whether he participates or not, consider individual sessions. Actually, even if he does agree to attend, still go by yourself. You’re facing some critical decisions regarding your future boundaries and what you’re prepared to accept moving forward.

fiery_valkyrie −  I don’t know what more you can do. You’ve given him every opportunity to express himself. He’s just refusing to.

Any-Skill-5128 −  You really gave a man in his 30s the choice to communicate with his wife of 11 years THROUGH DISCORD ? There’s no way…

negligenceperse −  sorry – i guess i must have missed something here. what exactly is it you need to communicate? what do you need him to communicate? are you desperate to communicate about communicating?

For any relationship to flourish, productive dialogue is essential, requiring the engagement of both individuals. What guidance can you offer to assist this person in overcoming her spouse’s impediments to communication without compromising her own sense of worth? Have you navigated a comparable situation, and what strategies did you employ? Please contribute your insights in the space provided!