My (35f) husband (34m) is upset I donated my wedding dress? How to tell him I don’t want to be reminded of our wedding?

A woman, 35, finds it hard to cope after her husband got scared and almost didn’t marry her. She was wounded to learn that he ran away the day they were supposed to get married, only to be talked into coming back by his dad, leaving her feeling distant from the memories of that day.

She gave away her bridal gown and discarded a wedding photo, actions that have created friction with her spouse, to progress in her healing. She’s now looking for guidance on how to express her need to avoid reminders of their wedding day while minimizing further conflict.

‘ My (35f) husband (34m) is upset I donated my wedding dress? How to tell him I don’t want to be reminded of our wedding?’

Several months back, I learned that my spouse had a moment of panic before our wedding. We’ve been a couple for twelve years, married for nine, and I believed we shared joyful years. My father-in-law, in a state of inebriation, confessed that my husband, aided by his companions, had run away the day we were to get married.

My father-in-law found out about this and forced him to return. He told him he had to either marry me or inform me that he didn’t want to, but he couldn’t leave me waiting at the altar. He decided to go through with the wedding. I was completely unaware of this. My wedding day was truly memorable. I felt radiant and overjoyed.

He was a little drunk, as I was aware, but he had told me it was simply jitters. I felt nothing. I spoke to my husband and other relatives. He told me that he had run away since he dreaded the uncertainty of the future. He didn’t want to wed me, but he also didn’t want to humiliate me.

We possess a photograph, preserved in a frame, capturing my image at our wedding, taken prior to the actual service. It has since become apparent that a corresponding image of my husband does not exist, due to his departure. My wedding gown remains stored within the wardrobe. The nuptial occasion stands out as a rare instance when I perceived myself as attractive. I lack the visual appeal of those he was with before me, yet my affection at the time gave me a radiance that made up for it.

Now, all I perceive is a gullible woman. I pass by the wedding photo each day, contemplating it. I cannot access my wardrobe without noticing the wedding gown in its protected carrier. I attempted to conceal these items, but my thoughts remained fixed on them.

I didn’t want any reminders. So, I got rid of the photo. I gave my wedding dress away. I hope it makes some bride feel amazing. That thought makes me happy.

My spouse noticed the framed photograph had disappeared. I confessed that I had discarded it and given away the bridal gown. He became completely unresponsive. How can I communicate to him again that I wish to avoid anything that reminds me of our wedding? I hope some future wife can find joy in the dress.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Outside-Ad-1677 −  I don’t think this is about the dress. This is about the fact you believe your marriage is built on a lie because he fled and thus everything subsequent is tainted.

You should find a counselor or therapist who isn’t involved in your relationship to mediate these intense, yet understandable emotions. Marriage counseling or therapy could assist in restoring faith in the relationship or determining whether ending the marriage is the right choice.

Tamika_Olivia −  I think this is bigger than pictures and dresses. I think this is bigger than the wedding. Those are distractions from the bigger issue: your marriage. I think you need to reckon with how this information impacts how you feel about being married to him.

That’s far too overwhelming and frightening, so you’re diverting your attention to these other details. You must have realized that discarding the photo and giving away the gown would probably cause him pain. Perhaps that was your intention, or perhaps not. But it couldn’t have been a possibility you didn’t think about. You and your spouse must have an important discussion regarding the state of your relationship.

actualchristmastree −  “I feel unwanted and hurt now that I know you left on our wedding day. I do not want to remember that day and I don’t know what to do going forward “

SpiderByt3s −  How was your marriage before all this came to light?

Brave_anonymous1 −  Directly. Tell him what you wrote here: you don’t want any reminders about your wedding day around. It was one of the best days in your life so you cherished the photo and the dress. Now all they remind you of is that he fled and didn’t want to marry you. It hurts.

You got rid of them, huh? Or you simply allowed him to see the post? I feel for you. His behavior was truly awful and gutless. You should both consider couples counseling, or, at the very least, you should seek individual therapy to figure out how to handle this. If you don’t, it will destroy you.

z-eldapin −  This is WAAAY bigger than reddit.

[Reddit User] −  He completely shut down? What did he expect. Does he not think you would be affected by this. Does he not see how you would think the last 9 years of your life have been lie? Like did he think you would just be like omg funny story and move past it.

He has no reason to be angry; in fact, he should be pleading for forgiveness and trying to earn your trust. I recommend marriage counseling because this is a difficult situation. I’m not sure I could get over this. And everyone was aware of it except you, and no one spoke up for all these years. What other lies has he told you? I’m sorry he put you through this.

Ecstatic-Buzz −  Tell him the truth. He was allowed to have cold feet and you’re allowed to dislike the memory of it. I can’t imagine he would tell you otherwise considering his own behavior.

bob_apathy −  Tell him what you found out hurt you deeply and you are doing your best but seeing that picture every f**king day was like salt in a wound.
We do things sometimes when we hurt.

The evening my separation was official, I set fire to all her gifts and countless photos. I discarded my wedding band into A LARGE BODY OF WATER. However, those actions proved futile, and I suspect similar measures won’t aid you either, given your pre-existing anxieties. Avoid allowing your past hurts to take over, as it’s a destructive course.

Commercial-Net810 −  You need individual therapy and marriage counseling.