AITA for not wanting my husband to go to his ex’s funeral?
A Redditor shares a story of tension with her husband over his connection to his late ex-wife. She’s been with her husband for 10 years, but the dynamic between him and his ex-wife has always caused discomfort. Despite her reservations, he insisted on keeping their close friendship, which included lunch dates and shared activities.
When his ex-wife unexpectedly passed away, the Redditor felt relief, but her husband was devastated. He planned to attend the funeral, but she refused to support his decision. This led to a heated argument, with family members calling her insensitive. Read the original story below for a deeper look into her feelings and the fallout.
‘ AITA for not wanting my husband to go to his ex’s funeral?’
I’ll admit I’m biased right off the bat. I couldn’t stand her. I call her “his ex” to myself and others. He called her “his friend”. We’re all in our early 40s. She died recently – aneurysm.
I’ve been with him 10 years now, but he’d known her for 20+.
The way he recounts the story: They were college buddies, chose to go out, tied the knot, subsequently understood they didn’t work well as a couple, and chose to simply remain friends. All of that took place long before I came into the picture. He made it clear from the get-go that she held significant value in his life.
After dating for a few months, I discovered that his “friend” was actually his former spouse. He clarified the situation, stating that she was one of his dearest friends and their relationship was strictly platonic. I voiced my unease about his close bond with a former partner, to which he responded, “That’s okay.”
If you have a serious issue with it, let me know now and save us some time. I’ll choose her. I like you and all, but I’ve known her for over 12 years and she’s one of the most important people in my life. You’ll have to be ok with that if you want us to be a thing.”
When we got engaged, I brought it up once more. He seemed confused and wondered why our marriage would change his friendships. I accepted it and moved forward, but I always felt bitter whenever I was around her, especially in social situations. She connected with him on a level I couldn’t. Her husband was friends with mine too, so I couldn’t even use that to my advantage.
He would grab lunch with his former partner, they would see their nerdy films, and so on. When I mentioned it on a couple of occasions, he would reply with, “We’ve already talked about this. You could have opted out earlier.” She passed away after their recent lunch together, while heading to her vehicle. He was very emotional for a while, but I must admit, I felt a sense of relief.
He was helping her spouse organize the funeral arrangements. I questioned him, “You’re not actually planning to attend, are you?” My rationale was essentially this: she has passed away, therefore her opinion is irrelevant now. He can’t hide behind the “she’s my friend” justification because she’s no longer alive. He grieved for a few days, and that should be sufficient. There’s no reason for him to attend her funeral, especially since I wouldn’t want her at his.
Upon hearing my disclosure, he erupted in a rage unlike any I had previously witnessed. He retorted that my feelings were irrelevant to his decision, vowing to proceed regardless. Raising his wedding band, he declared his readiness to “f**king obliterate everything.” He added, “Apart from you, she was my dearest friend.”
They, along with her spouse and my siblings, are berating me as an uncaring jerk because of this. They all claim there was nothing amorous between them, and that I’m cruel. Her spouse even went as far as labeling me a “monster” due to my reaction.
I always thought their connection was wrong, but I kept it to myself for many years because I wanted to stay with my husband. Now that she has passed, I feel I am finally able to be honest about it, and am no longer obligated to keep quiet. Would I be the AH if I just want him to be completely over her, and for him to skip the funeral?
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
LadyCass79 − YTA. When he divorces you, he probably won’t have to explain his friendship with you to the next woman because, seriously… who’d want to stay friends with a woman who had treated you like this?
RhubarbSkein − YTA- congrats on your impending divorce
GallopingGeckos − If “she doesn’t exist anymore,” why are you still so jealous of her? He can’t even leave you for her now, so I think it’s time you got past it. YTA. You can speak freely, and he can leave after finding out how heartless you actually are. Fair enough.
ComedicHermit − *She died after they had lunch the other day on the way to her car. He spent a bunch of time crying, but honestly I was relieved.* Read this sentence you wrote and try to explain to anyone how you aren’t the a**hole.
YTA. *He was collaborating with her spouse to arrange the funeral. I inquired, “You don’t believe you’ll be attending, do you?”* Re-examine that sentence you penned and attempt to justify to anyone how you are not the jerk. YTA. I trust he secures a competent divorce attorney.
mdthomas − If this is real, huge YTA. Not because you didn’t like her. You’re the AH because he is grieving the loss of someone important to him and you’re trying to invalidate his feelings.
desdemona_d − This cannot be real and if it is YTA. In fact, you’re a nominee for AH of the year and I think you might win.
Tralfamadorians_go − This is the most m**strous take I’ve seen on this sub in awhile, and this AITA, so that’s really saying something. I don’t even know why you’re here asking, bc everyone in your life has already told you what you’ll hear here.
Your message displays such a deficit of empathy that I’m genuinely baffled your husband was ever fooled into believing you possess any moral fiber. You are the asshole, and you shouldn’t be shocked if your husband attends the funeral and decides not to return home afterward.
Lubwurst − She died after they had lunch the other day on the way to her car. He spent a bunch of time crying, but honestly I was relieved. So one of his closest friends dies right in front of him which is probably highly traumatic and your response “about time”? Jeez lady YTA
[Reddit User] − YTA. This is unbelievably cruel. And frankly cutting off your own nose. It’s awful to say, but you just got what you wanted. You just had to be quiet for two more weeks.
Sunny_Hill_1 − YTA. You are jealous of a dead woman. A dead woman who was your husband’s close friend and confidant for years, and you did know it right off the bat. You can’t even give him a chance of closure? And it’s not up to you to decide when he is done with mourning. Keep up being jealous of her, and you will find yourself to be his ex-wife as well.
Is the Redditor’s response justified considering her past experiences with her husband’s former spouse, or was she excessive in her demand that he cease grieving? What would be your approach if you were in a similar situation where your significant other shared a profound bond with a previous partner? Please share your perspectives in the comments.
