AITA – I missed my daughter’s award ceremony because of my son, she’s still not speaking to me?

A woman recounted the sorrowful situation of being unable to attend her daughter’s college graduation because her autistic son, who she has been the main support for since her husband’s death, had a breakdown. Her daughter, harboring resentment from childhood neglect, blamed her mother for prioritizing her brother and has since ceased communication.

The daughter continues to keep her mother at arm’s length despite her attempts to reconcile, causing the mother anguish and self-doubt.

‘ AITA – I missed my daughter’s award ceremony because of my son, she’s still not speaking to me?’

As a solo parent to two children since they were aged 4 and 6, due to their father’s death, I’ve navigated life’s challenges. Compounding matters, my son received an autism diagnosis during that period. Lacking strong verbal skills, he often resorts to physical displays during emotional breakdowns. Throughout his life, he’s engaged in various therapies, which have offered limited assistance.

My husband’s life insurance coverage enabled me to be my son’s primary caretaker while also doing independent work; however, we didn’t have much money, and it was always difficult to locate someone who could watch him. My daughter completed her undergraduate degree the previous year. She received an academic honors award a week prior to the commencement.

I felt immense pride for her. She extended an invitation, which I accepted. Her higher education institution is a two-hour journey from my location. On the day of the event, I engaged the services of a qualified caregiver experienced in autism. Just as I was preparing to depart, my son experienced a severe emotional outburst, directing his agitation towards the caregiver. I found myself unable to leave, as his distress persisted for several hours.

I left my daughter a message to tell her I wouldn’t be there. She phoned me back that evening, furious. She told me I was a terrible mother, that I favored one of my two children, that I’d been absent from all her childhood games and performances, and that it was obvious things wouldn’t improve now that she was an adult, and that she was finished with me.

She admitted understanding his limitations, yet his consistent lack of empathy created a barrier, making their interactions difficult and fostering resentment. The phone call ended abruptly, and their communication has since dwindled. The graduation tickets, which she was meant to provide for the following week’s ceremony, never arrived.

She skips family gatherings, and I understand she is planning to get married but didn’t bother to inform me directly. She has excluded us from her life, and during one of our infrequent conversations, she mentioned that it’s more convenient for her to distance herself from us rather than face disappointment, and that attending events alone is something she’s used to, and now she simply avoids anticipating my potential presence.

I have suggested family therapy and various other solutions. I am aware that I wasn’t the ideal mother during her childhood – I missed some of her events, but it wasn’t due to indifference. I am devastated, but I don’t believe that my absence in a crisis warrants the permanent loss of my daughter.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Vaeneyx −  YTA — But you only have so much of a choice to be. You’ve missed every performance, game, and ceremony. You hired a trained sitter for this event but didn’t trust them enough and stayed yourself. Your daughter has it hard enough not having a dad to come to any of her events, but she never had a mom there either.

It appears she has always played second fiddle to her brother, which is admirable at times. However, you haven’t tried hard enough to find someone who could manage him for even a single night. She is also your child. She still requires her mother’s presence and encouragement at these events, not just her words.

Also, it wasn’t the first instance of your absence; she ended the relationship because you *consistently* failed to appear. There’s a limit to how much frustration she can endure.

SaxifragetheGreen −  YTA. For their entire lives, your son has taken up more of your time and attention, and every time you do what you need to for him at the expense of your daughter.
You should have left your son to his meltdown, and actually supported your child the way you said you would.

This is the way to alienate your daughter, and it seems you are becoming aware of this only now, after she has become tired of your obvious preference for others. She has excluded us, and in one of the three conversations we’ve had since, she mentioned it was simpler for her to not have us in her life than to be let down, adding that attending events alone is not a new experience for her, except she no longer needs to anticipate my potential attendance.

You’re definitely the one in the wrong. For years, you’ve shown her that she’s insignificant, that her successes are meaningless, that her worries are unimportant, and that the only thing that counts is her worthless, unproductive brother, who always gets what he wants without ever giving back or achieving anything. Basically, you deserve this, and you’ve been deserving it for a long time.

I am devastated, but I don’t believe my absence during a crisis warrants permanent estrangement from my daughter. Stop being self-centered and considering only your desires. You’ve consistently failed to prioritize your daughter, and she’s weary of your justifications. You’ve currently lost your daughter because your actions alienated her.

xHeero −  YTA. You sound like the stereotypical parent that has one special needs child and because of that child you n**lect the needs of your other children because you always have an excuse…the special needs child. S**t you even have a special needs trained sitter and you still use it as an excuse to skip important things for your daughter.

It’s unfortunate you’re in this predicament, but after more than 18 years, you ought to have learned to organize your affairs to attend your daughter’s significant occasions.

NDaveT −  INFO:. Was it *really* an emergency? Were all the other missed events *really* emergencies? Or has your son learned that having a meltdown will prevent you from leaving? What would the sitter have done if he’d had a meltdown after you left?

zobo52 −  yta – as a sibling to an autistic kid, my parents always pay attention to them, and they always put me second.

hface84 −  YTA, unfortunately. I know you’re hurt and I’m sure it was very difficult to be in your position, but you let your daughter down in a major way. I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever. It wasn’t just this one emergency, it’s that it’s been everything for her whole life.

You brought in a qualified caregiver; what would you have done if the crisis had occurred an hour into your journey? Would you have returned home, or would you have allowed the professional you employed to handle the situation? She is constantly put on the back burner, making it simpler to withdraw; I empathize with her perspective.

secretcakeeater −  I hate to say this but YTA. My step son (SS) is autistic as well, but verbal and high functioning. He manipulates my husband all the time, perfectly timed melt downs and other misbehaviors to get attention. The thing I have observed living with them is that SS doesn’t differentiate between good and negative attention, he only sees attention.

He’s willing to go to any lengths to gain the attention he desires, including pushing himself to the point of a complete breakdown. We’ve put in a lot of effort to avoid giving him negative attention or reinforcing undesirable actions. My husband wasn’t even aware that he was rewarding the negative behaviors, as he was so accustomed to giving SS whatever he wanted in order to lessen the impact of his actions.

You cannot always give your son what he wants because that is not practical. I realize how awful tantrums can be. Having personally gone through several of them, I know that those who have not dealt with such circumstances would easily suggest simply leaving. However, you should indeed step away. What will become of your son once you are no longer around?

If a skilled professional struggles to manage his outbursts, what kind of future will he have when you’re gone? I suggest you seek therapy to help you establish healthy limits with your son. After that, talk to your daughter and apologize for not prioritizing her needs, and explain the actions you’re taking to prevent it from happening again.

It’s a difficult journey, and I’m truly saddened that you must navigate it without companionship. The most disheartening aspect is the scarcity of available assistance in these situations.

[Reddit User] −  info: could you have left your son with the trained sitter, while he had the meltdown? Like, what are the reasons you had to stay with him?. edit: grammar

[Reddit User] −  YTA. Your love means f**k all if it means nothing but pain to the person you supposedly care about. Why should she give a s**t about your broken heart when you’ve done nothing but break hers her entire life? You didn’t lose your daughter because of one “emergency” (as if it deserves the name…). You lost your daughter from a lifetime of being a s**tty parent.

neonriby −  YTA. You literally hired someone to calm him for you.