AITAH for wanting a divorce after my wife refuses to allow me to read texts from new friend?

A man on Reddit is asking for opinions on whether he has a right to think about ending his marriage because his wife is being cagey about messages she exchanges with a recent male acquaintance. They previously were transparent with each other about their phones, but she now won’t show him her texts and has removed some, making him suspect she might be developing feelings for someone else. The complete account is provided below for readers to assess whether he is being unreasonable or whether his worries are well-founded.

‘ AITAH for wanting a divorce after my wife refuses to allow me to read texts from new friend?’

My wife (33) and I (38) have always been transparent with our phones. We use the same password and have never felt uncomfortable swapping phones, using each other’s devices, or looking at texts together. We don’t make a big deal out of it, but if we’re close, I won’t conceal my screen when I text, and she does the same.

I mistakenly left my phone in her car yesterday after she gave me a ride to work. I asked her to monitor my messages during the day and let me know if any urgent responses were required.

Some time back, my spouse took on a different role at her workplace. Although she’s a remote worker, she’s part of a leadership group of three people she collaborates very closely with. She also goes on trips with them. Her initial face-to-face encounter with James occurred roughly a month ago during a work-related journey.

A string of unfortunate events resulted in them collaborating until the early hours, after which they shared his room for the remaining hours of sleep due to the hotel being overbooked. She took the couch.

Ever since then, I’ve been paying attention to how she acts when she’s texting him. If she realizes I’m watching, she immediately shuts her phone off and hides it. This was bothering me, but I wondered if I was overreacting. Roughly a week ago, I jokingly inquired whether she was infatuated with him.

Her initial reaction was to deny it, but the manner in which she did so heightened my suspicions. Then, a week prior, she informed me that he had ended his relationship with his girlfriend because he observed the depth of our affection for one another and desired a similar connection.

I did something for the first time two nights ago. While she was asleep, I looked at their messages. The messages go back to their first in-person meeting. I felt uneasy about a few things:

Upon my wife’s inquiry about plans for their upcoming visit (the team arrives in a week), James quipped, “Ah, you meant in a professional capacity, not a personal one. It’s best to maintain a professional distance.”

James enjoys a specialized activity at the gym, and my wife misrepresented that some of her acquaintances shared a similar interest. They talked about going to the gym as a group, during which he offered to assist her. She replied that she would not survive his workout regimen.

This past weekend, we visited relatives, and she shared pictures of our children with James (adorable, precious, and amazing photos) that she hasn’t even shared with me.

She asked him to join a race in a state neither of us live in. He agreed. Following that, she inquired about my feelings regarding her participation in the race this year, mentioning that some of her colleagues would be there and that she was interested in going. She neglected to mention that James would be present.

I told her yesterday morning that I wasn’t happy with the relationship she has with him. When I inquired if she was attracted to him, she admitted that she immediately felt a strong connection with him as a friend and enjoyed the thrill of their interactions. However, she also got angry and protective, saying that I didn’t have faith in her.

I confessed to her last night that I was suspicious of him. I admitted that, irrespective of her feelings, I believed he was flirting with her for various reasons. I conveyed my desire to quell my anxiety and requested permission to review her messages, something she had consistently assured me I could do from the beginning. However, I had never requested to do so before.

She was absolutely enraged. She expressed her disgust at how rapidly I had transitioned into a controlling figure in her life, and how quickly my unease with him had escalated. According to her, the issue isn’t her connection with him, but rather my controlling behavior in all of her friendships.

I’ll concede that I’ve been bothered by how often she goes out with her friends without inviting me, or attends parties without extending an invitation to me. We’ve previously argued about this. Because she is always welcome to join me, no matter the time or place.

Following a significant argument, I went to shower. Upon finishing, I reiterated my request to view the messages. Clearly angered, she handed me her phone, exclaiming, “Here, are you satisfied now?” She presented the entire message history, having scrolled to the very beginning.

I promptly checked the recently deleted messages and noticed that she had eliminated 60 messages exchanged between them while I was showering. I confronted her, questioning her motives for deleting their conversations. She then inquired how I discovered her actions. I responded by explaining that I accessed the deleted messages section and demonstrated it to her.

She snatched the phone and wouldn’t let me look at it for the remainder of the night. Our argument worsened, and she said I wasn’t permitted to view it at all. She regretted erasing the messages, recognizing that it was making things worse, but she believed some messages from the previous day would distress me. They had shared music, and he had described one of the songs as sexy.

We went to sleep, and I checked her phone once more. As expected, the removed messages were just as she described. Well, almost—the number of messages about song sharing was only 16, yet she had erased 60. I’m unsure what else she thought she had to hide.

This morning, I reiterated my request to view it. I again inquired about the specific content she erased, and she maintained her stance that only the song-related texts were removed. She asserted that she would sooner end her relationship with James than reveal the messages to me.

She claims that my controlling actions have completely ruined any chance of a friendship between them. I respond that I’m unable to place my trust in her, arguing that anyone in a relationship would naturally question their partner’s actions, considering her conduct.

She communicated that my emotions were my sole responsibility and outside of her influence. I conveyed that a meeting was all I required to alleviate my unease (as I desired to discuss certain information with her). Her response was that my strong feelings presented me with a decision.

AITAH for considering divorce because of this situation? I don’t think she’s been unfaithful physically. However, I’m concerned that she’s heading towards, or may already be engaged in, emotional infidelity.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

slippinginto9 −  OP your wife has lied both openly and by omission. What other evidence do you need to make a decision?

EngineeringOk1885 −  What company has male and female employees share a hotel room? That sounds sketchy as hell. Also, her unwillingness to share the text chain seems to indicate she is more-stressed at being caught cheating than in saving the marriage. You need to give her the ultimatum.

peace_out16 −  She’s engaging in an emotional affair and she’s gastlighting (I hate to use this word but that’s what she’s doing right no) and turning the table on you. Put your foot down and tell her this is serious matter that you are considering divorce for her dishonesty and for breaking your trust.

She wouldn’t feel the need to be defensive, conceal things, or erase their conversations if there was nothing inappropriate happening. She’s almost certainly being unfaithful and believes she can avoid responsibility by painting you as overbearing. Maintain your position and don’t allow her to use guilt or manipulation to make you disregard the problem, or she will repeat the behavior and be more secretive in the future. UpdateMe.

Newbie053 −  NTA. Deleting the messages shows a guilty conscience from her side. If her feelings were just to a friend she would not have to delete those messages. There definitely is a spark between them, and she is definitely attracted to him even if no physical cheating has happened yet.

It might not be ethical to look at her phone without her permission, but it’s preferable to be perceived as an inconsiderate person than to be naive or experience infidelity. Don’t let her manipulate you into believing that your concerns are unfounded or that you’re being overly sensitive; the content of the messages, along with her responses, casts doubt and raises suspicion, and her actions have not fostered trust.

But if something occurs now, apprehending them will be an even greater challenge because they will exercise increased caution. What is the source of your knowledge regarding the hotel narrative, and how can you be certain that it accurately reflects the events that unfolded between them? If your wife’s behavior underwent a transformation around that time, is it possible that a significant event transpired then?

buffinator2 −  Ain’t no way they shared a hotel room and he was the only one in the bed.

DogPanPan_13 −  The classic ‘I’m not hiding anything, but let’s just delete 60 messages’ move! Sounds like your wife is auditioning for a role in a soap opera called ‘Trust Issues: The Musical.

neverfearcovid −  NTA. Although you are pretty naive and clueless if you think she slept on the couch, and that they ended up in the same room due to “misfortunes.” I’d bet my net worth they are physically involved. Not to mention she is g**lighting you and it’s working. Sorry to say your marriage is over, and you are right to seek a divorce.

Historical-Pie-5052 −  NTA. She goes to parties and tells you you’re not invited? And now this? Bro, it sounds like you should have already gotten that ball rolling. I’d be on the phone with some lawyers ASAP.

Tall-Negotiation6623 −  NTA. She’s already emotionally cheating and probably has every intention to escalate to physical if that hasn’t already happened. She’s keeping things from you and getting defensive immediately. And if you are reacting to changed and shady behaviour and want to see the texts, then that isn’t controlling behaviour.

That’s simply your intelligence at play. Your distrust of her is justified. While therapy could theoretically be beneficial, it’s unlikely to succeed given your wife’s refusal to admit any wrongdoing and her tendency to place blame on you. As someone who experienced divorce firsthand, I believe it’s preferable to separate before the situation deteriorates further.

AdAgitated8109 −  NTA, she is having an emotional affair that is trending to physical, if it hasn’t already. Filing for divorce is your lever to either move on with your life or to cause her to understand the seriousness of her actions.
You can always stop the process if she gets serious about repairing the damage. I’d also recommend reading “Not Just Friends”.