AITA for telling my mother that my step dad will not be walking me down the aisle because I hate him, and in turn ripping my family apart?

A user on Reddit recounted a highly emotional wedding choice that revealed serious divisions within her family. The bride-to-be, who had always felt distant from her stepfather because he had been a bully to her, asked her uncle to accompany her down the aisle.

Upon learning the news, her mother and stepfather reacted strongly, resulting in a significant conflict where her mother sided with the stepfather, while the user remained steadfast in her decision. The situation intensified, leading to a breakdown in family relationships. Was the user wrong to voice her deeply rooted emotions, or was she right to prioritize her emotional comfort on her wedding day? The complete account is available for you to assess.

‘ AITA for telling my mother that my step dad will not be walking me down the aisle because I hate him, and in turn ripping my family apart?’

I’m (23) tying the knot with my partner of six years this June. Our wedding will be fairly sizable (my fiancé comes from a large family, and we have many friends), but my family is quite small. My mother is my only immediate family member (I’ve never known my father), and my aunt and uncle don’t have children. Ever since I was a child, and without a father figure, I’ve always hoped my uncle would escort me down the aisle.

When I was 12, my mother married my stepfather, and I have never been fond of him. He is a harsh person who says awful things to others. He makes racist, sexist, and transphobic remarks to gain attention. As a teenager, he significantly worsened my mental health issues and eating disorder.

My mother is aware of our strained relationship, and that I wasn’t fond of him. However, around the age of 15, I stopped sharing the extent of my dislike with her. This was because she consistently maintained that, despite his crude language, he was a genuinely good person who would never harm us. Therefore, it has been approximately eight years since I last expressed my animosity towards him to my mother.

I left home at 19 with my boyfriend. I see my mom around 3-4 times each week, attempting to schedule my visits when my stepfather was at work to avoid him. By reducing my contact with him, I found it easier to disregard his negative traits, and our arguments ceased. I essentially stopped communicating with him. He continues to call me his daughter, and my mother maintains that he cares for me.

Everyone thinks I’m in love with him too, and that our dynamic is playful teasing, not actual bullying, even though my feelings aren’t reciprocated. Because of this assumption, when I got engaged, I immediately asked my uncle if he would escort me down the aisle. He was thrilled, but my aunt questioned why I wasn’t choosing my stepfather. I told her that I had always envisioned my uncle doing it.

Later that day, my mother phoned, upset, questioning my choice and relaying that my stepfather was deeply hurt. She couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want him to do it, adding it had broken him. I reiterated my lifelong desire for my uncle to do it. She continued, emphasizing his sadness, mentioning his perception of a positive and humorous connection between us. It’s at this point that I began to feel guilty.

I told her that I didn’t find it amusing that he damaged my confidence and adolescence. I despise him, and if I had my way, he wouldn’t be present at the wedding. My mother expressed her shock that I still held these sentiments, reiterating her claim that he is a decent person who cares for me.

I reiterated my dislike for him, and she responded that she would ask him to leave me alone. Now he’s mad at me and has told my uncle to stop walking me home. My uncle is no longer talking to him, and I feel responsible for destroying the small amount of family unity I had. Am I the asshole?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

_Potato_Cat_ −  Nta. Your wedding. He doesn’t have to even be there.. It’s your day. You’re making memories for your family.. He’s not part of that. The fact he’s tried to ruin it by getting your uncle involved days a lot about him.

Asiatic_Static −  NTA. It’s your wedding. if it were up to me, he wouldn’t even be at the wedding’. Is the guest list not up to you…?

VioletSachet −  NTA. I’m sorry. Your mom has been going to a lot of trouble to convince herself everything has been fine. You don’t owe her that illusion. It’s lovely that you have a good relationship with your uncle. I hope you have a wonderful wedding day.

I suggest you avoid immediately thinking that you’ve devastated your family. You’ve simply become aware of the truth. Their responses are not your fault. Don’t allow them to coerce you into feigning agreement, and don’t assume more responsibility than is appropriate.

mo-jo_jojo −  NTA. Wow. He’s now angry at me and has asked my uncle not to walk me. Way to demonstrate how his relationship with you has been *funny banter* instead of *emotionally abusive*

[Reddit User] −  NTA. The step-dunce abused you. You have every right to choose who walks you down the aisle. They’re trying to get you to feel guilty about it. Don’t fall into that trap.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. It’s your wedding and you get to choose. Your stepfather is out of line for contacting your uncle about this. You owe no one an explanation or justification. Your decision is made and it’s not open for debate.

The next time your mom mentions it, put an end to it with: “I’ve made up my mind, and I don’t want to talk about it.” If she keeps pushing, say you’ll chat with her another time and end the conversation nicely. Boundaries are only real if you make them so. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

kayaker58 −  she would always insist that despite having a n**ty mouth, he was a really good guy and he would never hurt us. I am the father of two wonderful, grown-up kids. If the best that can be said of a father is “he would never hurt us” that’s just a shame. You are NTA. I hope your wedding is the beginning of a wonderful life.

ghulehzombiiqueen −  NTA. Though I do think it’s time for you to have a long, honest talk with your mother about his past actions and how deeply they affected you, if things calm down enough. You don’t have to include anyone in your wedding that you don’t want to. Your wedding is for you and your partner – you both deserve to have the wedding you wish. Glad to hear that your uncle is standing by you on this.

__loves2spooge__ −  NTA – your mom was in denial. She shouldn’t have married a man who gets along so poorly with her daughter.

rouxs7 −  NTA. It’s your wedding day. It’s about making you happy, not other people

Was the individual right to select someone who genuinely offered support to accompany her down the aisle? Alternatively, should she have prioritized maintaining familial peace, even if it involved including someone who had caused her pain? How would you handle familial strain during a significant life milestone? Share your opinions in the comments!