AITA for dropping the “We’re Not Having Kids, Now Stop Bringing It Up” bomb on my MIL?

A person on Reddit is annoyed by their mother-in-law’s constant nagging about them having kids. Even though they’ve made it clear they don’t want children (and have taken permanent measures to prevent it), the mother-in-law keeps bringing it up whenever she can. At a recent family event, the user finally lost it and told their mother-in-law directly that they and their husband are both sterile and won’t be having any kids.

The situation deteriorated rapidly, culminating in the mother-in-law’s angry departure and subsequent veiled jabs on various social media platforms. The user is now unsure if their candid approach was excessive.

‘ AITA for dropping the “We’re Not Having Kids, Now Stop Bringing It Up” bomb on my MIL?’

My spouse and I have decided not to have children. My mother-in-law places a high value on family in the conventional sense. Since we got married, she has been pressuring us to have children. She started asking about it the week after we got engaged. My husband has always avoided the topic and has even informed her that it is not her concern.

Every single time we are with her, she brings it up. Our entire lives are planned around the possibility of children. Three years into our marriage, when my husband stated, “We may not even want kids,” my MIL completely dismissed it. In our fourth year, my husband underwent a vasectomy, and I had my tubes tied. This past weekend, we were all at their house, enjoying a barbecue with drinks. As I got up to get a beer, my MIL suggested I might want to have water instead, hinting that I might be pregnant.

Thatreallysucks
I was irritated by this and responded, “There is absolutely no possibility of that happening.” My mother-in-law, with a huge smile, exclaimed, “Oh, please! It’s about time you two became serious! Put the beer down and tell us when we can finally expect you to make your family legitimate!” I retorted, “We’ve been legitimate for about five years now, MIL,” and took a sip of my beer. My husband laughed with me. My mother-in-law became even more annoyed and declared, “Well, you won’t be true (Lastnames) until you give us grandchildren!”

My husband stated firmly, “Mom, that’s enough.” My MIL persisted. My husband repeated himself. After the same comments for about fifteen minutes, I lost it and said, “MIL, my Husband had a vasectomy. I had my tubes tied. We will not be having children. You need to stop mentioning it. End of discussion.”

I thought I triggered a global crisis. She burst into tears and left abruptly. My family glared at us with disapproval and rushed off to console her. We departed, and the party essentially ended. The social media drama began soon after. There were ambiguous posts, articles emphasizing motherhood as a woman’s ultimate purpose, and lists detailing the unhappiness of women without children. There was even a meme suggesting, “I suppose I wasn’t a good enough mother and won’t be promoted to grandmother.” It’s so irritating that I’ve silenced them all.

User12345: This morning, my mother-in-law phoned me and stated that she’s ready to move past everything, provided my husband and I visit and hear her arguments for why we “need” to have children. I refused, saying we’re weary of her pressuring us about it. She then retorted that, in that case, we’re clearly not ready to be “real” members of the family. She demanded reimbursement for her contribution to the wedding (which was minimal, about $400 for the rehearsal dinner).

I ended the call with her. After telling my friends about it, some of them felt that I was wrong for abruptly ending the conversation. However, I believed she wouldn’t have let it go unless I made a clear and serious statement about it. So, am I the a**hole?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Swiollvfer −  NTA. Well, you won’t be REAL (Lastnames) until you bless us with babies. I think it’s clear who is TA here. I’d like a refund for what we paid for the wedding. Oh! They paid for babies! You had to drop it for her to stop with it, so you are definitely not TA.

SykoSarah −  NTA, I hate people that are pushy about big life choices. It’s not her life, it’s not her choice, whether you guys have kids or not. You aren’t an a**hole for refusing to have children, nor are you an a**hole for making it very clear that you never intend to have children.. ​Also, the “motherhood is a woman’s greatest calling” thing is freaking s*xist.

[Reddit User] −  NTA at all and I thought I was on r/justnomil because of how awful this is. She’s a major a**hole who is continuing to disrespect you and your body, treating you like an incubator.

dasbarr −  Nta. If you want to be an a**hole but still a smaller a**hole than your mil you and you partner can both go get a new last name and send the announcement with their $400 check. Imagine being so weird about what other people decide to do in regards to kids.

SanityContagion −  My God! Your delivery of “No!” was epic. And she still persisted. You’re not [last name] until?? Hahaha. Grade A stupidity. There’s no making peace with this kind of dumb. You’ll have to be more aggressively degrading to get your point accross and then she’ll just switch to name calling.. You are absolutely NTA.. Black flag her visits and chats.

ircdeft −  NTA. You gave your MIL several nice requests to stop asking about it, and you had to be direct. She is the a**hole for being so pushy about it after you stopped, and demanding a refund for her rehearsal dinner and saying all those mean things to you.

FriendlyMum −  NTA – she was told enough time to drop it and she kept pushing… for years. Ahe was told repeatedly it was none of her business and told to stop. She kept persisting to the point of your discomfort and i bet you cringed at the thought of even going over there to visit because you knew it was coming. Sometimes people need the shock of harsh reality to smack them in the face before they stop. Now you got to decide the best way forward- peacefully- because you’re family.

Return the $400, then mail a check with a brief message: “Wedding gift returned per your request.” This will reveal whether she deposits it. This absolves you of any duty to her. If she believes she can use the $400 to pressure you into having children, she is mistaken. Regarding her claim of “listening,” respond that you’ve heard her opinions on the matter for years, and she has expressed herself adequately.

Also, tell your MIL something like, I was under the impression that you valued me for my character, not merely my reproductive capabilities. My role as a parent (or lack thereof) shouldn’t affect my standing in this family, including my husband’s. It’s imperative that you respect our choice, put it behind you, and cherish us for who we are as individuals.

I’m a parent to a larger-than-usual brood. On the other hand, my closest friend and her spouse are very content without children, allowing them financial freedom to travel extensively while I’m busy with childcare, enjoying her experiences from afar. She adores my children, always bringing back interesting presents from her journeys, and is perfectly happy being a beloved honorary aunt.

I value her choice to remain childless as much as she values my choice to have children. I truly believe she won’t come to rue her choice later on, as she considered it deeply, and it’s a weighty decision to make, given our innate drive to reproduce.

[Reddit User] −  NTA Sure you probably could have handled it with more grace, but she wouldn’t take the hint. Honestly I’d also say your husband is an A**hole for not standing up to his mother more. It’s his mother, he needs to be leading this battle.

BlankEris −  NTA.. Your life, your decisions. Join us: /r/childfree or /r/truechildfree. You should post this over there.

mvggiegrhee −  NTA, your MIL needs a lesson in boundaries. F**k this “motherhood is a woman’s highest calling” bs. What about women who can’t conceive or who miscarry? It’s just misogyny. Good for you for standing up to her.