AITA for telling my husband he “should have just married a white woman”?

A Black woman recounted an argument with her White husband regarding her silk hair wrap, which she uses to shield her tightly coiled hair while sleeping. At first, she brushed aside his playful remarks, but the situation intensified when he concealed her scarf, causing her to retort that he “should have simply married a White woman instead.” Now, her husband is displeased and has proposed they seek therapy to address “racial matters,” making her question whether she responded excessively.

‘ AITA for telling my husband he “should have just married a white woman”?’

As a Black woman married to a white man, I need to explain my nightly hair routine. My hair is 4c, which means it has a very tight curl pattern, making it prone to tangling, breakage, and requiring careful maintenance. That’s why I wrap it in a satin scarf before bed.

When my hair was shorter, I used to use a satin pillowcase because it didn’t tangle as easily when I slept. However, now that my hair is longer and I’ve started using oils at night, it tangles more easily. To protect my pillowcases from getting oily, I’ve gone back to wrapping my hair up.

TheRealHouseWifeOfNJ: The first evening I put it on, my spouse remarked that I resembled a servile person, which, admittedly, was somewhat amusing and somewhat accurate given my scarf and nightdress ensemble, so I allowed him that jest. However, ever since, it’s the subtle remarks he makes as I get into bed, such as, “Are we role-playing as servants tonight?” or “Shall I assist you into bed, elderly woman?” Small things like that. I’ve articulated the reasons behind my actions, and I believe he comprehends them, but he simply dislikes it, and I had hoped that he would have grown accustomed to it by this point.

Last night, as I was preparing to sleep, my scarf was nowhere to be found. I inquired with my husband if he had seen it, and he confessed to concealing it, refusing to reveal its location. Even as I grew increasingly frustrated, he persisted in his playful teasing, expressing a desire to caress my hair or similar sentiments, prompting me to retort that he should have married a Caucasian woman if that was his preference.

After that, he became very silent and revealed the hiding place to me. We haven’t discussed it extensively, but there’s a palpable sense of discomfort. The only instances he brought it up were this morning when he suggested we explore counseling to address our “racial issues” and claimed that I evoked racist feelings in him, a perspective I hadn’t considered.

I assumed he was angry due to my shouting, but I didn’t believe the statement itself was the problem (although I likely shouldn’t have mentioned race, I was trying to make a point). Now, he’s suggesting couples therapy to address our “race issues”? I don’t believe it was that significant, and I don’t want to go through that process. Am I the unreasonable one?

Check out how the community responded:

[Reddit User] −  NTA saying your black wife looks like a sl*ve is f**king weird and r**ist. Trying to control how you style your hair is weird. Being so bothered by a headscarf is weird. I think he’s the only one with “race issues” that he’s projecting on to you.

SammyLoops1 −  NTA – You made him feel r**ist because he was being r**ist. It was really mean of him to make those comments and hide your scarf. I think you should go to counseling if only to have a third party tell him how wrong he was for doing that to you.

[Reddit User] −  Wait so he said “are we doing sl*ve tonight” but YOU made him feel like a r**ist?? Go ahead and call the race therapist asap. Also! You need back up scarves Sis, I have like 4. Hide my shyt, try me 🙂

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Wtf as a black woman with a white husband, when I lost my bonnet, he went to target late at night to grab me a few new ones. You can’t marry a black woman and not want her to do black woman things. disgusting sl*ve comment too. wtf is he thinking.. DONT LET HIM GASLIGHT YOU! This started with him putting what he wanted over you and even trying to force you to do what he wants and saying it looks like a sl*ve to sway you away from it.

agrossgirl −  NTA… He was being r**ist, though? You might tolerate or be forgiving of the sl*very jokes but another black girl might not be. Not sure why he’s upset he was made to “feel r**ist” when he was being r**ist. Keep wrapping your hair, get counseling for your bfs immaturity. I hope he treats you better in the future or you find someone more respectful.

JabbaInBlueJeans −  He’s right, the two of you should go to therapy to discuss your race issues. His issue is that he doesn’t understand what it means to be married to a black woman with 4c hair. He needs a safe space to ask questions and get answers that aren’t yelled at him. Wear your headscarf; no relationship is worth sacrificing your edges.. NTA.

[Reddit User] −  NTa. Saying your wife looks like a sl*ve is, without question, a r**ist statement to make. You didn’t make him feel r**ist. His attitude toward your scarf and hair care is r**ist.

Excellent_Patience −  NTA. I have 4c chemically straighten hair, in my country almost all women have the same done to their hairs and we sleep with hair nets, not even beautiful and stilish silk scarfs, and our SO don’t mess with us for that. It looks like he needs a reality check on two things, first being the fact the women have flaws and work to be beautiful and two that having a black wife is not a pass for r**ist jokes and to mess with (black) grooming issues he doesn’t understand.

Ophyria −  NTA. You should go to couples counseling for racial issues because he’s being f**king r**ist. Telling a black woman who has her hair in a scarf that she looks like a sl*ve is disgusting and clearly he knows thats r**ist otherwise he wouldn’t feel guilty when you snapped at him.

Thunderholts −  NTA, as a white man married to a black woman I can say that I learn new things that are different between us everyday, and I have NEVER made race jokes about it, and me and my wife mess with each other all the time.
He not only made a r**ist joke, but continued over and over again. Then he proceeded to hide the scarf that you had explained you needed, proceeded to complain about how HE doesn’t want it even though YOU need it. You called him out on it and he got upset.

Now he’s audacious enough to suggest that the two of you seek professional help because you supposedly made him experience prejudice? He made prejudiced statements, and you challenged him on them. His prejudiced sentiments arose from his own prejudiced actions. He should engage in introspection, acknowledge the inappropriateness of his conduct, and offer an apology.