WIBTA for not attending my twin brothers surprise birthday dinner when I was only invited as a guest?

A man with a twin is wrestling with whether or not to go to a surprise birthday meal planned for his sibling, to which he’s merely invited. The gathering involves common acquaintances and seems like a party for just one of them, disregarding that it’s a day they both share. If he chooses not to attend, would that make him the villain, or is he justified in putting his own emotions first, given he feels left out of an important occasion? See the entire story detailed after this.

‘ WIBTA for not attending my twin brothers surprise birthday dinner when I was only invited as a guest?’

Would it be wrong of me to skip my twin brother’s surprise birthday dinner, given that I’m just a regular invitee?

I’m a twin, my brother and I are very close and spend a lot of time together. Our 25th birthday is coming up in a few days. We have the same group of friends, who we’ve been close to since we were in school together. He has a tight-knit group of about five female friends who I’ve also known for years. While they’ve become closer to him lately, we’re all still good friends and often spend time together.

I’ve been included in a group message called “my brothers name surprise dinner!” It’s a surprise birthday dinner for my twin brother, planned by one of the women in the group, and I’ve been invited. Someone even mentioned it would “be nice to see me too,” making me feel like an addition.

It wouldn’t have bothered me if the girls had chosen to plan a surprise birthday party just for my brother and themselves, but they’ve also included my partner and some of our dearest friends.

It strikes me as insensitive and rather hurtful that I’ve been asked to attend my twin brother’s surprise birthday dinner, especially since it’s also my birthday and all our friends will be there, and I’m only invited as a guest. My girlfriend agrees, finding it incredibly impolite, and questions why she wasn’t contacted directly to arrange a joint surprise for both of us. Alternatively, they could have simply included both my brother and me, forgoing the surprise altogether.

It’s clearly communicated in the chat that everyone should be there at the same time, yet my brother has been told to come 20 minutes after. The idea of going makes me uncomfortable because it’s supposedly a party for “his” birthday, even though we were born on the exact same day. And the person planning it knows this.

Each year, my brother and I make plans together because we enjoy each other’s company and share a common friend group. Last year, our friends, along with my girlfriend, organized a large birthday dinner for us, and everyone was welcome, even the girl group.

So now I’m at a crossroads. I don’t know whether or not to attend. On one hand, if I don’t go I will feel left out because our mutual friends are going. But on the other hand if I do go, I will feel like I am letting myself be disrespected and I will likely feel uncomfortable as it feels like only my brother is being celebrated. So, WIBTA if I took a stand and didn’t go?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

KittKatt7179 −  NTA. I would not go. Do something with your brother earlier that day, then treat yourself to something special with your girl later on. And you might want to look into getting a new group of friends….are you sure they even like you?

Rtarara −  NTA: Break the surprise and talk to your brother. Something about this is…off. I could postulate, but there is something going on here that isn’t just someone wanting to throw a bday dinner. If you usually celebrate with your twin and your close friends, it sounds like this person is trying to be mean to you/disrupt that on purpose.

capmanor1755 −  NTA. It’s weirdly aggressive and rude to invite you, your gf, and a bunch of your friends to a not-your-birthday party on your actual birthday. No big deal if they’d done something with just him but by making it a surprise they’re trying to trap you into going along. It’s so weirdly aggressive I’d break the surprise and talk to him. In fact show him this thread.

TermsNcond −  Just say sorry I am celebrating my birthday and can’t make it. NTA.

Sweet_pea_girl −  NTA. I don’t see how they could have overlooked it being your birthday too, so it seems like a bit of a deliberate leaving out/insult. It’s totally fine to have separate friends and birthday plans, but then they should have kept it separate. They aren’t required to celebrate you and your birthday, but this is effectively saying yours doesn’t matter at all and it’s really kind of cruel. My advice is to speak to your bro about it.

Allaboutbird −  NTA. It could feel really awkward to sit there celebrating your brother’s birthday on your own birthday. Do something special with your GF and celebrate with your brother on another day.

No_Victory3061 −  NTA…I would probably say something like idk if can make it..brother and I usually do something together for our birthday. A surprise party might not work for him either as we always do things together for our shared birthday…and… see what they say…but…I might be the drama…lol…i don’t get the Y T A comments because it’s literally a shared twin birthday that they have always celebrated together…with the same friend group…it’s not like a separate friend group of the brother..it’s there shared friends.

NeedleworkerMuch3061 −  YWNBTA. However what you should really do is make plans with your girlfriend and close friends, and invite your brother too. Your brother can then decide if he wants to go to whatever they’re framing this as, or the family/close friend birthday celebration.

You are in no way obligated to a collection of fools so dense they thought it was a good idea to throw a surprise party for one twin but not the other, *and then ask the other twin to attend as a “guest”*. Are they expecting everyone to act like it’s not also your birthday? Utterly inconsiderate and baffling.

Conscious-Arm-7889 −  Your girlfriend needs to send the organisers a message saying something like “don’t you think it’s $hit that you’re organising a surprise birthday for twin B, but treating twin A as an afterthought, and not making it a surprise for him as well?”

See what response she gives, and if it’s not to your liking, inform your brother that you’ve made a reservation for some of you at a restaurant across town an hour prior to the surprise celebration. His friends may have to reveal the surprise if he accepts! At a minimum, the original poster should inform the party planners that they are not looking to be an addition at their own birthday party and are willing to tell their brother this directly. Not the Asshole.

CatelinaBaylorfan −  NTA. Start a group chat with your actual close friends and ask them what the f**k? Why they chose to join in on a big exclude you on your birthday event. It’s fucked up.