AITA for not paying for my child’s mother to visit for Christmas?
A single dad who has full responsibility for his one-year-old girl told the story of how his former girlfriend, who is also the mother of his child, requested that he cover the costs of her Christmas visit. She had previously shown no desire to be a part of their daughter’s life, but she later stated that she wanted to get back in touch, but she was unable to afford the trip.
The dad declined, noting her failure to provide child support and arguing she should be financially accountable for the trip. She claimed he was preventing their daughter from spending Christmas with both parents. Was he incorrect in refusing to pay for the travel expenses? The initial account is provided below.
‘ AITA for not paying for my child’s mother to visit for Christmas? ?’
I am the only person with legal and physical custody of my daughter, who will be one year old on New Year’s Day. Since she was born, I have been her main caregiver. This situation arose because her mother originally intended to place her for adoption. I initially supported this plan, but in the end, I couldn’t go through with it. Her mother (my former girlfriend) and I are no longer a couple. We ended our relationship before she informed me about her pregnancy.
We first encountered each other while studying at university, a considerable distance from my home state. By the time she informed me about her pregnancy, I had already returned to a region nearer to my family. She continues to reside near the university, where she is still pursuing her degree, although she has faced challenges this academic year. Consequently, she initially preferred to avoid receiving any news or images of our child.
She consented to shared custody, but she remains the legal mother of my daughter. I’ve been considerate of her desires and communications, while also indicating my willingness to co-parent more fully if she were to reconsider. Several months after our daughter’s birth, she contacted me to request an update and pictures. While our communication wasn’t daily, she began to check in consistently.
A couple of months passed, and she inquired about the possibility of a visit. I was conflicted, but I recognized the importance of prioritizing my daughter’s needs over my personal emotions. I came to the conclusion that having her mother present in her life would be beneficial for her. In any case, she expected me to cover the expenses of her visit, but I declined, citing financial constraints.
I was 24, a single parent bringing up my child, and I was not happy. She appeared let down, but didn’t say anything further about it. Then, close to Christmas, she brought up the subject of seeing our daughter for the holidays and her birthday. It bothered me that she’d bring it up so close to Christmas, but I tried to be pleasant about it. Then she asked me to cover the costs once more. I refused.
TheSimpleMan:
I actually had the funds available this instance. Purchasing a plane ticket was within my reach. I could have even accommodated her at my residence if necessary, despite my strong aversion to the thought. I informed her that I lacked the financial means. My reluctance stems from not wanting to finance her discovery here. Her absence in child support payments, while not a source of distress for me, leads me to believe that she should bear the costs of her visits.
Of course, she tried to guilt trip me and accused me of keeping her from her daughter over Christmas and that I should be lucky she’s made this so easy for me. She sent me several messages on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day about how I kept my daughter from having both her parents with her for her first Christmas, that I’m evil? I’m Scrooge, etc. Was I the a**hole for not paying for her to come see our daughter at Christmas?
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Turbulent_Ebb5669 − Nope. The bigger question is why now? I don’t believe the Christmas miracle s**t. And you’re not keeping her from her daughter. You’re just not paying for her to disrupt/visit.
Impressive-Arm2563 − Nta, ignore the manipulation. She’s up to no good. She want you to pay for a lawyer so she can take you to court for custody too?
United-Manner20 − Nta- but why is she not paying child support? In the beginning I understand she wanted nothing to do with a child now however you’re speaking regularly, sharing pictures, updates. She’s been very m**ipulative, and I hope that you have an active court order that states that you have sole and legal custody.
optix_clear − If she really cared she would pay her own way and give you child support.
Erotic_Shane − NTA. You’re not obligated to fund her travel, especially given the short notice, lack of financial contribution from her, and m**ipulative guilt-tripping. It’s reasonable to expect her to share the costs if she wants to visit.
pmn10tl − NTA. You owe your ex nothing at all. This is a classic manipulation tactic
cgrobin1 − If she really wanted to see her daughter, she could have saved up for the trip and not waited for the last minute when the rates,are highest. She has no idea if you have a new GF or roommate, because that would be none of her business. Does her family live near you, or is it a good vacation area?
My instinct suggests there could be a hidden agenda beyond simply wanting to visit your daughter. Perhaps she’s facing criticism from her family for neglecting her maternal duties. Could she be seeking to re-enter your life? You’re not the bad guy. How genuine is her desire to see the child if it hinges on you covering the expenses? That seems suspicious.
Equivalent_Juice2395 − NTA. Do not pay for her flights and don’t let her stay with you. If she’s not paying child support then the least she can do is buy her own plane ticket and get a hotel. If she wanted to, she would. It is not your job to help her be a good mother. It is not your job to fund her life as she is not your partner. Your job is to be a good dad.
Your funds should be used for the benefit of both you and your child, with the goal of enhancing your collective well-being. I’d be concerned as your daughter ages, particularly regarding the nature of the interactions she has with her mother (whether they are supervised or unsupervised).
She might attempt to twist the story, suggesting you’re preventing her from seeing your daughter, just to cause trouble. She might say something like, “If only your father would pay for my travel to visit you, but he’s refusing, so it’s his fault we’re not together.” As you move forward, exercise caution since it appears she is already trying to manipulate the narrative and you.
ArugulaMental282 − Document every conversation and please talk to a lawyer to make sure you are wwell covered of she ever tries to pull everything. Also if she visits make sure she does not stay a night at your place and make sure she knows beforehand that she needs a hotel.
If she desires involvement in the child’s upbringing, shouldn’t she contribute financially to their care? Is it conceivable that she might later seek exclusive custody and request financial support from you?
babybloom28 − she’s trying to pull a ‘Christmas miracle’ on your wallet! If she wants to play Santa, she should at least bring her own sleigh
The scenario underscores the intricacies of shared parenting, especially when one parent is the primary caregiver. Did the father act appropriately by establishing limits and requiring the mother to contribute financially, or should he have been more flexible to improve their daughter’s vacation? Let us know what you think in the comments!
