AITA for telling my mother she can’t be there for the birth of my child?

A 34-year-old male Reddit user and his 34-year-old wife are anticipating the arrival of their child in June. The man’s relationship with his mother is difficult, as she tends to intrude. His mother believed she would be in the delivery room, but the man clarified that she could come to see them once the baby was born.

His mother responded poorly, berating him for his selfishness, while his father insisted that his announcement was destroying the holiday. He remains steadfast in his choice, but is wondering whether his stance is unfair. The complete account is available below.

‘ AITA for telling my mother she can’t be there for the birth of my child?’

My wife and I, both 34, are expecting a baby in June. My wife’s relationship with my mother is strained due to my mother’s past behavior of crossing lines and asserting control. I am a recovering alcoholic with six years of sobriety.

My mom believed she was going to be present at the delivery. I clarified that she could meet the baby after it arrived, but not while it was happening. (I couldn’t bring myself to tell her she makes my wife anxious.) I told her that we wanted the baby’s immune system to develop before visitors from out of town arrived. I did bring up the chance of my wife’s mother being present.

My mom has always called me selfish, saying I need to start contributing. My dad thinks I’m destroying the holiday with my announcement. Is it truly that serious? I’m holding my ground, because if I give in now, they’ll try to control every aspect of my child’s upbringing. Am I the a**hole?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Mother_Search3350 −  Letting your mother into a delivery room with your wife in the most vulnerable state she can possibly be in and in pain with her entire self exposed is not ‘giving back’ anything to your mother.
She is a monumental AH for thinking that she is entitled to be in that space with your wife when they barely even have a civil relationship.

Your dad is a complete fool if he considers that an acceptable way to give your mom a Christmas gift. Childbirth should not be treated as a public event or a form of entertainment for relatives; it’s a serious health matter with potentially life-threatening risks for both the woman and the baby.

wugmuffin12 −  NTA. Ask her if she would want her DIL all up in her business during a pap smear. Warn the hospital staff that she is not welcome in advance, they will gladly prevent her gatecrashing for you.

slippinginto9 −  NTA. Childbirth is not a spectator sport.

Tricky_Direction_897 −  Your wife gets to choose who is in the delivery room, full stop. If it’s been said once it’s been said a million times, but birth is not a spectator sport. NTA.

TheQueenOfDisco −  Of course you’re not the a**hole here. Shockingly the birth of your child is not all about what your mother wants, and she needs to accept that. If she and your father want to throw hissy fits about that then I suggest you take some time apart until they can act like the adults they should be.

Your parents have transitioned into the role of grandparents, relinquishing their parental authority. They no longer dictate terms or exert control over your child’s upbringing. It is imperative that you and your spouse establish firm boundaries; otherwise, your mother’s interference may undermine what ought to be a joyous period in your life.

Just-Like-My-Opinion −  My mother told me I was a taker my whole life, with a chance to give back. My father told me I was ruining Christmas. Jesus. Your parents sound awful. I would just cut them off. Why expose your wife and child (and yourself) to their toxicity. I’m guessing from her comment that your mother was pretty emotionally a**sive when you were growing up?

Dr. Gabor Mate’s studies have demonstrated a connection between adult substance abuse and traumatic childhood experiences, such as those inflicted by emotionally abusive or narcissistic parents. You’re justified in supporting your wife and maintaining those boundaries. Continue doing so! You’re not the a**hole.

MistySky1999 −  Your parents are major jerks. They have zero “rights” to be in on any medical procedure with their daughter-in-law, or anyone else for that matter. To get angry and mean when they are confronted with that obvious statement takes a special kind of n**cissist. Good for you for defending your wife’s privacy and peace of mind. Good for you for realizing your parents are testing boundaries to see how far they can control you and your family. Good for you for being 6 years sober. . NTA.

MaidenoftheGoldenAle −  NTA. Honestly, I would consider waiting to tell your mom (and anyone else who isn’t respecting boundaries or who doesn’t need to know immediately) until a day or two after the birth. That way any surprise visits from her to the delivery room or birth center are off the table and it allows you and your wife time to be present and together during what can be an incredibly momentous moment.

You (and especially your wife) shouldn’t have to deal with difficult social situations right now. Your focus needs to be elsewhere, and that’s perfectly fine. Best of luck, and I hope she stops trying to make you feel guilty.

llangi −  I had a great relationship with both my Mum and MIL, but the only one that was going to be at the births was my Husband. I don’t understand all this agro about Mothers’s having a right to be at the birth. They are not going to see my private parts or hear me swear.

lydocia −  There is no rolling over to do – this is entirely your wife’s choice. It’s her medical procedure. It’s a good time to think about whether these toxic, m**ipulative and controlling parents should be in your life at all, now that you’re about to unleash them onto your child as well.