AITAH For Not Giving My Girlfriend My Social Security Number So She Can Run A Background Check On Me

A man (27M) finds himself at odds with his girlfriend (31F) after she demands his Social Security Number (SSN) to have her federal government friend run a background check on him. Her request stems from past trauma involving a deceitful ex, but he refuses, citing privacy and trust issues. Now their relationship hangs in the balance. Read the full story below…

‘ AITAH For Not Giving My Girlfriend My Social Security Number So She Can Run A Background Check On Me ‘

I (27M) have been dating my girlfriend (31F) for close to a year. Tonight, she asked to speak with me urgently, then requested my social security number. I immediately refused, questioning her motives for needing it.

She recounted a story about her former partner who was essentially leading a clandestine existence. He had a history of criminal accusations that he had kept hidden from her, and ultimately subjected her to some questionable and risky actions, leading to their separation after his infidelity. I acknowledged her story, expressing my gratitude for sharing, but questioned its relevance to my social security number.

Ever since that point, she mentioned that her friend, a federal employee, has been conducting background checks on individuals to ensure their safety. Given the development of our relationship, she feels it’s necessary to confirm my suitability as a partner and is requesting my Social Security number to examine my criminal record. To be clear, I have a spotless driving record.

I’m a geek who frequents the gym; my life consists of working, studying, playing D&D, returning home, watching anime, and repeating. Therefore, I’m unconcerned about a background investigation, as she won’t discover anything. However, I won’t share my SSN. I’m not sufficiently at ease sharing that with her acquaintance.

Upon my remark, she became agitated, asserting my lack of comprehension regarding the female experience, emphasizing concerns for safety. I conceded to her point about my ignorance of women’s struggles, yet maintained my stance against divulging my Social Security number to someone unknown to me. She countered, stating he wasn’t a stranger but a close friend of hers and the husband of another dear friend.

And I responded that it was fine, but since I am unfamiliar with the individual, I am hesitant to trust him. The data you are requesting belongs to ME, and while you are welcome to share your own information with him, I will not be providing my social security number or other sensitive information to someone I haven’t met. Absolutely not.

She stated that for our relationship to advance, I needed to provide my Social Security number to ensure her safety. She also expressed being hurt by my apparent lack of faith in her judgment regarding friends. At that juncture, I stood up, departed, and conveyed that I understood her worries.

Her previous suffering doesn’t justify pressuring me to disclose confidential details to a stranger simply because they’re a federal employee with database access. Having worked for the federal government, I know firsthand that not everyone there is a good person.

I’m not going to automatically assume he’s evil, but simply being employed by the federal government isn’t convincing to me. She labeled me as uncaring, and we haven’t communicated since then. I’m starting to think she was manipulating me to get her way, but I can’t say for certain.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

such_a_travesty −  NTA. I am a federal employee who does have access to some systems like that in order to locate people and it is 100% against the law to use them for personal reasons. In fact, we have to try all other reasonable ways to find someone before using these systems. There is something sketchy there. Also, you don’t need an SSN to do a background check. A name and address or birthdate are enough.

_s1m0n_s3z −  Her government friend is committing a felony. NTA. You want no part of this.

LAC_NOS −  NTA. I just had a background check completed. I’ve had them every five ish years for the last 20 because I volunteer with children. Some in state, some federal. I also have been screened by the govt for a permit several times.. I have NEVER had to provide a SSN. Sadly, I think your GF may the criminal and you may be her long-con mark.

Adventurous-Run-6475 −  Hey female here 👋. Run.

neverfearcovid −  NTA. You don’t even know if she’s telling you the truth. She should be stealing your SSN for all you know. Run, run away. Clearly she isn’t willing to address her trust issues. She needs therapy. Assuming everyone is a criminal and you need proof otherwise is incredibly toxic.

Sahills −  Wait, so… a **YEAR** in, she doesn’t trust you and needs a background check run? That’s acceptable/necessary/ok? Yet you not giving your SSN to a random stranger doing something illegal is you not trusting her, and not acceptable/ok?. Dafuq backwards logic is that? . NTA. 

Due-Yoghurt4916 −  What her friend is offering is illegal.  Report him and d**p her. FYI female here. This is not normal or healthy. RUN!!!!

facinationstreet −  No, nope, absolutely not. This has scam written all over it. Lock down your credit, look into getting life lock. Oh, and d**p her, change your locks and passwords and never look back.

stroppo −  NTA. You can do a background check on someone w/o a SSN (it may not be as thorough). So she could go ahead and do one anyway. You are right to not give yr SSN to someone you don’t know; you don’t know, for ex, how secure he keeps his information when he’s working on something, esp a job for a friend. Someone demanding my SSN like that would be a dealbreaker for me.

Safe_Perspective9633 −  Find out her friend’s name and report him. What he is doing is highly illegal. As for your girlfriend, I understand where she is coming from, but you could just run a background check on yourself and let her see it (I’d black out any information like SS# though).

Does her history give her the right to ask, or is he justified in his stance to keep his private data safe? How would you handle this scenario? Let us know what you think!