AITA for locking up all my belongings because my daughter won’t stop taking my stuff?

A 32-year-old woman on Reddit is expressing annoyance with her 12-year-old daughter, who continually takes and stashes things despite numerous discussions about respecting personal space. To combat this behavior, the mother began locking away her possessions, which led to the daughter complaining to her father. The father then accused the mother of abuse and threatened to pursue custody, leaving the user questioning whether her actions were misguided.

‘ AITA for locking up all my belongings because my daughter won’t stop taking my stuff?’

32F. My 12-year-old daughter is wonderful. She is hilarious, a good student, helps with chores unprompted, and is very artistic (I proudly display her artwork throughout my house). She’s truly amazing, BUT she has a tendency to steal my belongings, either claiming they are hers or simply taking them because she wants them, and then feigning ignorance when they are discovered tucked away in her room.

There is really nothing that is off-limits to her when it comes to taking my possessions. This has been a recurring issue for several years. Each instance is followed by a discussion about respecting my belongings, yet her behavior remains unchanged. She also takes items belonging to her siblings, falsely asserting ownership even when it’s clearly not hers (for example, she’ll claim the baby’s teether or her brother’s recent birthday RC car as her own). This happens less often, though.

She has pilfered a few items, including all my hairbrushes, which end up misplaced in her room, even though she has a few already. She also took my bathrobe and her 8-year-old brother’s bathrobe, which is obviously too small for her, even though she has some of her own. Finally, she took my winter hat and claimed it was hers just because she liked it, so I purchased her the same one, and now she takes both.

She only targets my belt, and when I get it back, she always manages to locate it and stash it away in her space. Despite my repeated requests not to, she treats all my cosmetics as communal, even though she possesses a vanity filled to the brim with her own makeup. She will even deplete my shampoo and conditioner before considering using the new bottles I just purchased for her.

My footwear, in spite of her having larger feet. My pajama tops, which she then asserts are hers, even though I’m certain they aren’t since I’ve possessed these exact articles since before she was born, and they feature phrases such as “New Mom 2011” (“you gifted this to me a long time ago” – no, I most definitely didn’t). Food, as well.

If I were to purchase a unique snack for each of my children, and she consumes hers immediately while the others save theirs, she invariably requests their uneaten portions. Despite my refusal, she tries to steal them when I am not paying attention. Every time I address the issue with her, she gives the same justifications. “It belongs to me,” or “you gave it to me,” or “I have no idea how it ended up in my room.” Despite having these discussions at least twice a week, her behavior remains unchanged. I have had to begin warning my other children to keep their belongings out of sight to prevent their sister from taking them.

Due to the lack of progress and my uncertainty about alternative solutions, I’ve resorted to securing my possessions. I now keep my bedroom locked whenever I’m not inside. My cosmetics and hair products are under lock and key. I’ve also started locking the boys’ rooms when they’re vacant. Furthermore, I’ve installed a lock on a kitchen cabinet to safeguard everyone’s preferred snacks, preventing her from taking them.

She informed her father (we are no longer together), and he phoned me, absolutely enraged. He accused me of being absurd and making our daughter feel like a criminal, and he threatened to seek sole custody of her to protect her from the “trauma of mistreatment.” Am I the a**hole?

ETA: She is currently seeing a therapist. I was unaware that this was crucial information for people to simply answer my question. Having stated that, I have discussed this with her therapist, who informed me that my daughter perceives herself as “helpful” when I request her assistance in locating items.

She essentially conceals items on purpose, forcing me to request her assistance, as my doing so “boosts her ego.” I’ve attempted to involve her in tasks where I genuinely require support to address this pattern, but it hasn’t yielded any positive results.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

BrightMarvel10 −  You need to get your daughter a different therapist. One that specialises in kleptomania.

banjadev −  NTA – tell your x she IS a T**EF – by definition! I would shut down that conversation hard. He would never win custody over that – PERIOD. He also probably wouldn’t spend the money on this. It is an empty threat, and probably one he uses when HE doesn’t get what he wants. A b**ly. Don’t get drawn in.

tinkrbell007: Our youngest child behaved similarly, frequently encroaching on others’ personal boundaries and taking things without permission. Despite repeated conversations, the behavior persisted. Consequently, we implemented a similar strategy as you. Naturally, he was unhappy, but we remained firm. After a few weeks, he understood the seriousness of our stance and that we would not tolerate his justifications. You’re doing your daughter a favor, because in college or shared living situations, such behavior will not be accepted under any circumstances. She needs to learn this lesson now.

ForwardPlenty −  NTA. You do what you would do with any objectionable behavior from a child. You give them consequences for bad behavior. She knows she can steal anything she wants because there is no consequence for her behavior. Imagin in a few years, when she goes off to college that she is sharing her room with a roommate and she steals all of her stuf. (Yes it is stealing.)

It will be a sad day for everyone at Red Rock when that occurs and she is expelled. Alternatively, she may decide that her coworkers’ wallets and food are acceptable targets, resulting in her termination for theft. No, holding people accountable for unacceptable behavior is not abuse. The absence of rules or repercussions is harmful and it will only get worse as she matures.

ToughAd7338 −  Get a new therapist for her. She is not trying to “help”. She is a kleptomaniac and need behavioral therapy.

The_Hermit_09 −  NTA. I would point out that if she steals from everyone in the house, that has got to be having a negative effect of the other kids. It may be painful but consider that if the therapy and locks don’t work, it might be in your other childrens best intrest to let her live with her father.

SeparateCzechs −  This sounds like an actual mental health issue.

Due-Reflection-1835 −  Act like a t**ef, be treated like a t**ef. Better she learns this now than when she starts stealing from her friends. She won’t be allowed at anyone’s house. And her siblings (and you) shouldn’t have to suffer so she can feel “helpful”. Does she do the same thing at her father’s house? And that therapist doesn’t sound very effective.

OnlyThePhantomKnows −  **NTA** Your daughter is 12. She is old enough to understand the concept “this does not belong to you”. There needs to be consequences. Talking isn’t working. (I’m old.) When I was little this behavior would result in a switch or 3 across the wrists. Probably not acceptable in this day and age. Stealing is going to get her in trouble. My mind instantly goes to shoplifting. Your EX is enabling her. You need to teach her boundaries for her own good.

Make sure the consequence is something you can handle. Let her know that if she steals again, she will receive the penalty. Write this declaration down and stick it to the inside of her door. Photograph it. If it occurs, she will be penalized. There are no exceptions. Stealing results in punishment. Continue to do so. Persevere even when she says she hates you. Keep going even when she cries. Keep going even when your EX is involved.

If the matter proceeds to a custody hearing, the photograph will be useful. Clarify your circumstances and actions by stating that you were compelled to take such measures. She requires education. If disciplinary measures are ineffective, seek psychological evaluation. While I hold a personal aversion to them, I won’t endorse them. There might be an underlying psychological condition.

SockMaster9273 −  NTA. She probably feels like a t**ef because she is a t**ef. “She steals things because she want’s to be helpful” This is BS. Find a new therapist and actually start punishing your daughter for stealing things. Talks aren’t working so maybe take away her things and make her loose privileges.

OliveMammoth6696 −  NTA. She IS a t**ef that’s the problem. She’s in therapy and you’ve already had countless conversations with her about it. There’s either something mentally wrong or she’s just a j**k. She’s not going to learn her lesson if you don’t do anything. Does her father want her to end up in juvie???

If you actually provide proof to the judge, I doubt he’ll modify the custody arrangement; more likely, he’ll order her to undergo even more treatment. But don’t take my word for it. If her behavior never has repercussions, it will persist and worsen.