My daughter thinks I am in the wrong for divorcing her father, AITAH for telling her she is free to live with him?

A Reddit user ended their marriage upon finding out about their husband’s affair, a pattern they saw repeated in their own parents’ unhealthy relationship. Their 15-year-old daughter, who sees her father as a role model, holds the Reddit user responsible for the divorce. However, strain has increased due to the father’s repeated failures to follow through on his commitments. Following a missed ice-skating outing that sparked yet another disagreement, the Reddit user gave their daughter the option to live with her father if she so desired. Was this an emotionally charged mistake, or a justified limit? The complete account is available below.

‘ My daughter thinks I am in the wrong for divorcing her father, AITAH for telling her she is free to live with him?’

After two years of divorce, my former spouse and I co-parent two children, ages four and fifteen. Our eldest child, a daughter, deeply cherishes her father and struggled most with the separation, holding me accountable for its failure. We’ve all participated in both family and individual counseling, with inconsistent results. My daughter believes parents should persevere for the well-being of the family.

I have personal trauma with cheating my father cheated on my mother countless times and she never left him because she did not want to be a single mom. Yet she more or less was because my dad was always off with another person.
I swore to myself I would not go down that path.

[USERNAME] Apparently, my mother also wished for me to reconcile with my former partner, thinking of our children. The holiday season, particularly Christmas, is a difficult period for her. Her father isn’t very dependable, and naturally, I’m the one who gets blamed when he doesn’t follow through with his commitments, since things would supposedly be much simpler if we were still a couple living under the same roof.

Yesterday, I reached my breaking point. Her father had pledged to take her ice skating but didn’t appear. Somehow, this turned into my failing, because my daughter believes that if her dad lived with us, he wouldn’t be as stressed and would have more time for the family. I then told her that she’s welcome to live with her father if that’s what she wants, that I wouldn’t prevent it, and that she’s old enough to decide. So, am I the a**hole?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

lapsteelguitar −  Speaking as a child of divorce. You are in a s**t situation. Your ex would still be unreliable, is the impression I get, even if you all were together. Your daughter does not understand that.. NTA.

buffydou −  It’s tough to be blamed for someone else’s shortcomings. Your daughter is projecting her disappointment onto you. Offering her the choice might help her see things clearly.

jaaackattackk −  NTA. “Working things out for the family” isn’t always for the best, especially when the person hasn’t made any changes. It was a little harsh but not overly. She doesn’t fully understand now but you’re seeing a good example for her not to tolerate cheating. I could be wrong but I doubt he wants nearly full custody, she might change her tune if he says no. Or maybe he says yes and shows his unreliability.

Worried_Kale_662 −  As a daughter of divorced parents, HELL YEAH. She’s 15 not 5 let her find out. And put up some boundaries about how she talks to you!. NTA.

pastel-goth3722 −  Ask yourself this… would she have said the same thing to her father? I ask because I have dealt with the same from my oldest daughter (18), I realized I was the safe parent. She’s hurting but that hurt doesn’t excuse how she’s talking to you, maybe staying with her father will actually show her that it isn’t better with him.. NTA.

JuliaX1984 −  NTA She could blame her dad for breaking up the family by cheating on his partner — her double standard is absurd. No way to change that, but not your fault.

waaasupla −  Your daughter is 15 and telling you to put up with the abuse for her convenience is very wrong. In this situation, living with her father for some time will help. Tell her “I cannot show my kids that it is ok for your own spouse to abuse you like that. Abuse is wrong and it should never be “put up with” and you are wrong for saying that. I get that you don’t understand it at this age. Let’s have the same conversation 10 years later.“

AlternativeDurian852 −  I Say all of this as a child of divorce, and my dad cheated on my mom. It wasn’t until I lived with my dad for a while that I finally understood just exactly who he was, and that was a cheating, lying, a**oholic with a n**ty temper. It took a year living with him and seeing first hand all my mother put up with for twenty years for the rose colored glasses to fall off. I was a daddy’s girl through and through before, and I was so angry at my mom when they divorced.

I had to find out the painful way who was truly to blame. However, that experience was essential for me to understand my father’s true nature. It was absolutely crucial. It seems your daughter may also need to experience a difficult lesson by living with him. It’s incredibly simple to rationalize someone’s behavior when you’re not constantly around them, but it becomes much more challenging when you share the same living space and your father remains uninvolved in your life.

EqualJustice1776 −  I had to laugh when I read your daughter is 15 because she’s definitley acting 15. You’re not an AH. You’re a human being dealing with a selfish hormonal rage vessel, pointed straight at your face. I think what you told her is perfect. No doubt her dad won’t want her cramping his style and he can tell her that.

You could be present to comfort her later. Daughters tend to hold their mothers responsible for everything. I would encourage her to come to terms with the fact that her father will not be returning and to proceed accordingly. You are unable to influence his actions. She must grasp this concept. Ultimately, it will be more beneficial for her.

CrabbiestAsp −  NTA. The fact that you’re separated should not change if her dad is a good dad or not. He is choosing to be absent. It is not your fault he is it not showing up for his kids. It’s easy for a teenager to say make it work for the kids, but it’s not that easy. They don’t understand the ins and outs of a marriage and sometimes I think they see us as just a parent, not a person. You’re a person and you also deserve to have a happy life.