AITA for giving my son ~$15,000 when he turned 18 and moved out, but refuse to give the same amount to my daughter?

A father ignited a family dispute when he declined to provide his daughter with a large sum of money following her announcement that she would be living with her girlfriend. Although he had given his son a monthly allowance of $500 while he was in college (totalling around $15,000), he maintains that the money is strictly for academic purposes and will not be used to support his daughter’s relocation or romantic involvement. His daughter feels this is unjust and accuses him of showing preference, but he maintains his position that the money should be set aside for her schooling.

‘ AITA for giving my son ~$15,000 when he turned 18 and moved out, but refuse to give the same amount to my daughter?’

This morning, my 19-year-old daughter Vanessa phoned to tell me her girlfriend asked her to marry her and live with her. To clarify, my daughter connected with this woman online, and they’ve never actually MET in person except for a couple of brief weekend trips. Furthermore, they’ve only been together for a little over a year.

I conveyed my happiness for her while also carefully voicing my concerns. However, I emphasized that she is an autonomous individual and it is finally her call. The issue arises when Vanessa requested funds from me.

After my eldest son left for university, I opted to provide him with a $500 monthly allowance to alleviate his concerns regarding meals. He successfully secured a scholarship that took care of the bulk of his tuition, leaving only a minor parental contribution and his accommodation expenses. This, along with his summer earnings, ensured he didn’t need to hold a job while studying.

Given that I provided him with $500 monthly during his academic year, the total sum reached approximately $16,000. I informed Vanessa of my intention to offer her a similar arrangement once she leaves home for her studies.

She is now claiming she’s leaving and that higher education is no longer a priority. Her partner, who is 23, has a degree, and is employed in the tech sector, will be financially responsible for them. She stated that because she is foregoing schooling, she would prefer to receive a single payment or an additional $500 per month, foregoing any further assistance if she decides to attend school in the future.

I made it clear that while I can’t prevent her relocation, those funds are specifically for her schooling. Should she later regret her decision and choose to pursue her education, or even if she decides to attend school after getting married, I will gladly provide the money. However, it’s not simply a gift without conditions.

She became very angry when I turned her down, and she claimed that I preferred her brother. I will admit that I am closer to her brother (he was always the diligent one who followed the rules, whereas Vanessa was more of a rebel), but I truly love all of my children the same.

I made it clear to her that the money was for learning purposes. If she believes she’s mature enough to live with her fiancé, she’s mature enough to earn her own living. I also said that I’d always back her financially should she ever decide to pursue further education.

She and I debated the matter until she ended the call in a fit of pique, then she informed my wife. My wife is of the opinion that we ought to provide her with *some form of* assistance, but I expressed my view that this relationship is doomed, and I would prefer to retain the $15,000 as a safety net for when she inevitably needs to return home. I don’t want her to believe that I approve of her choice.

She acknowledged some validity in my perspective, but she won’t assist me in resolving this issue with Vanessa; she’s choosing to remain uninvolved. Conversely, I believe she’s behaving selfishly. Am I wrong for maintaining my stance on this?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

shadomicron −  NTA. You said you’d give it to her if she went to go study. She’s not going to study. You have been consistent in your behavior (in regards to giving money to your kids).

[Reddit User] −  NTA, that stipend was meant for an education for your son, and she isn’t going to school. Why does she deserve and education stipend if she isn’t working on an education? Moreover, you offered the stipend if she went back to school. So you are not being unfair

deblas66 −  NTA based on the info. It was an education based stipend. The real question for yourself is would you have given your son the money if he skipped college AND would you have offered him a lump sum (large sums of money for young inexperienced people are usually different from monthly help)?

Wednesday_Atoms −  NTA for only wanting to give the money to help support her through college. YTA for the way you talk about her relationship. You keep saying *when* the relationship fails which is a pretty disrespectful way to phrase things. A year together before getting engaged is only slightly shorter than average.

Critically, numerous parents frequent this subreddit to question whether their parenting approach is “equitable.” Candidly, that’s irrelevant. The crux of the matter is that you are intentionally harming your bond with your daughter due to your unwavering conviction that you possess superior insight into her relationship.

UberProle −  NTA and your reasoning is sound. You are not “refusing” to give your daughter the same amount of money you are merely not giving it to her without enforcing the same stipulations that the same amount of money was given to your son under. It’s not like you just said “Here’s $15k son” there was a parental reason for the charity and there was a distinct need that it was given to fulfill.

IntrovertedShutIn −  You are not TA to want to attach the stipend to her education (NTA). However, you are definitely an ass to be so unfairly judgemental about your daughter’s relationship. To assume it will end in breakup/divorce. To belittle a year together. They could end up staying by each other for the rest of their lives. Aren’t you going to feel like a d*ck in that event?

QueenMoogle −  INFO. Does she have any other plans for herself that aren’t college??

[Reddit User] −  NTA for not giving your daughter the money. Your standards for that are completely reasonable, and it’s only fair that she gets the money if and only if she goes to school. But, YTA for the way you treat your daughter overall in this situation. You aren’t ACTUALLY happy for her. You don’t actually support her. You’re lying to her face and you’re being a d**k.

If she’s content in her relationship, celebrate her happiness. Avoid assuming that her return is inevitable. The statement “I don’t want her to think I support her decision” is baffling. Why wouldn’t you offer your support?

She’s obviously content, adores her girlfriend, and if her partner can support her financially, then she’s thriving. What does it matter if they’re only together on the weekends? You ought to feel pride in your daughter’s ability to cultivate a successful relationship under those circumstances.

solar_girl −  INFO. How do you show love and support to your daughter? From your post it looks like your attitude towards your son is more positive even if you do love them equally and your daughter is probably picking up on that. It’s okay to naturally connect more with one child over another but that just means you have to work a little extra hard learning and understanding the other child.

It seems your daughter’s academic performance wasn’t stellar, but what are her strengths? What sparks her interest? What does she enjoy doing in her free time? What admirable traits does her fiancé possess that make her want a lifelong commitment? Are you even aware of the answers to these questions?

It’s not obligatory to provide her with funds; however, I concur with your spouse that you should offer her a token of appreciation. This could manifest as greater encouragement for her choices, acknowledging her engagement, and perhaps a housewarming present when she establishes a home with her future husband. She likely perceives a lack of backing from you in any aspect of her life, and her discontent doesn’t automatically qualify her as a spoiled individual.

SpiritedPinkOwl −  INFO: why are you so adamant that her relationship will fail and that she will *have* to move back home?

Is the father justified in linking monetary aid to academic pursuits, or is he unfairly biased? Should parents distribute financial assistance uniformly, irrespective of their children’s paths? Post your opinions!