AITA for telling my FH he can’t go to his relative’s birthday party because we have commitments?

With their wedding fast approaching, one Reddit user recounted the stress of juggling wedding preparations with family commitments. As the countdown continues, disagreements have surfaced because a significant wedding tasting clashes with a potential birthday celebration for a member of their future spouse’s family. The poster questions whether they are wrong to place greater importance on pre-existing plans than on their fiancé’s desire to be present at the familial event. The complete narrative is available below.

‘ AITA for telling my FH he can’t go to his relative’s birthday party because we have commitments?’

With our wedding day approaching in less than half a year, I’ve been handling most of the preparations. Since my parents are covering all the expenses, it’s logical that I’m the main point of contact. However, juggling the roles of project manager and coordinator for myself, my fiancé, my parents, and future in-laws has been quite draining.

My folks are the type to meticulously plan everything, a trait I seem to have inherited. Conversely, my future husband’s family prefers spontaneity. This difference never posed a problem until I was tasked with organizing everything. To clarify, the wedding will be held in the city where my fiancé and I reside. My parents live approximately six hours away by car, while my future in-laws live about two hours away.

The tasting appointment with the caterer was one task we had to complete. It proved to be more challenging than anticipated since we had to coordinate the schedules of my future husband and me, my parents, our wedding coordinator, and the caterer to find a mutually convenient date.

I wasn’t certain about the possibility of including additional guests, my intention was to extend an invitation to my future in-laws after verifying the availability of two extra spots at the tasting. As it happened, we were able to, so after the meeting where my fiancé, my parents, and I confirmed our availability, I sent a text to my future in-laws to invite them. We secured the last available Saturday, meaning that there were no other options for the tasting unless my parents were to take time off from work.

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My partner’s parents replied via text, mentioning a possible family birthday celebration occurring on the same Saturday. I informed them of our regret that they would be absent from the tasting. Their response indicated that my partner and I were also expected at this party, despite the lack of definitive arrangements. I clarified that we had previously arranged the tasting, coupled with a venue tour that would be very difficult to reschedule, for that day.

I felt extremely annoyed by their assumption that we would be free to attend an event we were only invited to at the last minute. Even if changing the appointment was an option, I told my future husband that I wasn’t prepared to face the consequences with my mother if we rescheduled. My mother would inevitably find a way to blame me for the situation, and I’m not willing to be the bearer of bad news to her as a way to protect my own well-being.

I’m supposedly stopping my fiancé from going to a relative’s birthday celebration – someone he cares about – even though he said yes to our tasting appointment and the birthday party details are still up in the air. So, am I the AH for telling my fiancé that he’ll have to skip the beginning of his relative’s birthday event or miss it entirely, due to the fact that he made a commitment to our wedding tasting?

It’s possible my reluctance to ask my mother to change her plans is a factor. However, considering the birthday party is still just a possibility, I don’t believe it’s sensible or worthwhile to rush into asking my parents to reschedule.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

LoveBeach8 −  NTA. But there is another solution. Don’t try to control your FH’s life by forbidding him to go to the family party. I know he agreed to go to the wedding tasting but tell him that he can choose between the two or be late to one or the other. He’s a big boy and can make his own decisions.

If he decides to miss the tasting for his family gathering, that’s his decision. I’m confident you’re capable of handling the tasting and venue visit independently. He might be perceived negatively, but ultimately, it’s his choice, particularly given his limited involvement in the planning stages.

Just a little reminder: The fact that your parents are taking care of all the wedding costs, does NOT imply that you alone should handle all the preparations. Is it a solo wedding? No. You’re marrying your significant other. He also needs to actively participate and share the responsibilities of organizing the wedding.

StAlvis −  INFO. My parents live a ~6 hour drive away. We needed to make sure my FH and I, my parents, my wedding planner, and the caterer were all available on the same day for this appointment. Your parents are making a twelve-hour drive rather than trust you to set the menu for your own wedding?

growsonwalls −  ~~YTA. Pick a meal you think people will like. You’re making people drive 6 hours each way (your parents) and 2 hours each way (your in-laws) for a caterer tasting???~~ Changed the judgment to ESH. Your parents sound like nightmares, and you need to stop catering to their every whim, no pun intended. Your IL’s also sound difficult. Both you and your husband need to set boundaries with them. And … just pick a meal you think people will like. All these wedding preparations sound exhausting and joyless.

HortenseDaigle −  ESH. Your parents for micro-managing your wedding plans and making you stressed out and afraid of delivering bad news. You for being their foreman-ie going along with the micromanaging and subjecting your fiance to it. Your FILs for dropping a last minute party invitation to you and insisting you attend. Your Fiance for going along with it.

The central issue is that your parents have instilled differing expectations in you and your fiancé, and it’s crucial to establish limits with them and begin functioning as a unified front. If this doesn’t happen, your wedding experience will suffer, and the situation will deteriorate significantly.

CrazyOldBag −  Wow. Welcome to the rest of your life, OP. You’re working yourself into a mental breakdown and ulcers over the wedding. How is this going to translate in the future?

How are you going to allocate your time during the holidays? Also, will your parents get upset if you inform them that you won’t be present for a particular holiday, birthday, or other significant event? Furthermore, will your spouse’s family create plans at the eleventh hour, such as, “Oh, is Thanksgiving just around the corner? We have a trip to Lichtenstein planned for Tuesday, and we expect you to join us!”?

And if you’re a parent—(shivers)—”How DARE you suggest we can’t bring Lulu to Paris for her third birthday? We’ve already purchased airline tickets and booked a hotel! Are you going to deprive us of time with our granddaughter?” Or “Oh, Uncle Fartling will be visiting this weekend, and he absolutely CANNOT tolerate children’s parties, so you’ll need to change the date of Lulu’s birthday celebration. What?”

What do you IMPLY by refusing to change the party date? It has been so long since Uncle Fartling was here! Will you really skip seeing him AND deprive us of time with our granddaughter? I could continue, but ….

OP, there are definitely some issues you need to address. Can you reimburse your parents for their expenses to date and assume responsibility for the wedding arrangements? Will your fiancé start actively participating in planning his own wedding alongside you? Can you and your fiancé function as a cohesive unit within your marriage, or will disagreements be a recurring theme? I could continue, but I’ll stop here… Best of luck, OP. And may you have access to a substantial amount of calming aids, anxiety relief, digestive aids, and fortitude. I believe you’ll need it.

stmarystmike −  So I just want to make sure I understand. Your parents (who seem to be controlling ass holes) are funding the wedding and said money comes with very tight strings attached. Future in laws have, after tasting event was scheduled, informed you that there may or may not be a family birthday and are insisting that both you and your husband come.

With no knowledge of the past between you and your future spouse, nor your respective connections with each of your families, I gather that your husband is obligated to be present at the cake sampling, yet your parents appear to hold the deciding power.

Both the mother and father appear to be unpleasant individuals. If the parents have acted this way before, I would much prefer to attend a pleasant family event rather than endure my future in-laws, who are jerks, dictating the type of cake for my wedding. However, he made a promise, and it’s inappropriate to withdraw simply because a more appealing option arose.

This appears to be a horrible foundation for a marriage. Neither of you can confront your parents, and you’re already fighting about whose family is more important. Technically, you’re NTA because while taking money from manipulative parents was a mistake, you did it and are following their conditions. Everyone else seems awful, but seriously. I adore my family and my wife’s, yet we still struggle with boundaries on both sides. My wife and I always present a united front when dealing with this. This marriage seems doomed to unhappiness.

Kitchen-Swim-5394 −  A couple of things: 1. Why do you state you are doing all the planning when you also mention that you have a wedding planner? The reason you hire a planner is to take care of this type of planning. Stop stressing yourself out and take advantage of the fact that you have a planner.
2. You don’t need a group decision for the caterer. If it’s important to your parents, include them. It’s obviously not important to your future in-laws, so don’t include them.

While many of us likely believe the groom’s input on the menu is valuable, numerous weddings happen without it. If he insists on going to the family gathering, allow it, but ensure he understands he forfeits the right to criticize any decisions made while he’s away. You still have your parents and the wedding planner to help guide your choices. Everything will work out. Blowing this out of proportion would make you the unreasonable one, so try to calm down and re-evaluate the situation.

LittleFairyOfDeath −  Sorry but why the f**k are you not having a more affordable wedding instead of putting up with your controlling ass parents? They are literally the problem here.

CandylandCanada −  NTA. There is a lot of filler here. It’s quite simple: someone has decided that the in-laws need to be at the tasting. You texted the date to all parties. ILs are under the mistaken impression that you would or could change the date to accommodate a hypothetical event.

Your future husband should participate more actively in wedding-related activities. That includes being present at events that you meticulously planned and arranged. In addition, he needs to change his perspective and stop acting like a martyr. Your in-laws need to understand immediately that you and your fiancé are a team, and your team’s focus should not be on a relative’s birthday celebration.

You need to seriously consider how you present obligations to both families. Is it really necessary to have that many people at a tasting and tour? Make it clear that you have no energy to play referee over stupid disputes.
Some things (not all) need to be presented as an announcement, not as the opening salvo of a negotiation.

childproofbirdhouse −  ESH. Both of you are interested in pleasing your parents before your partner. You couch yours in therapy speak and he couches his in family obligation. Neither is healthy or mature, and neither is focused on partnership. It was a mistake not to involve him in the planning from the beginning; it’s an excuse for him not to care and sets a precedent for future responsibility.

You can’t dictate his actions or those of his family (and your mom is wrong to use your feelings to control you). Let him know the date of the tasting and allow him to decide if he wants to attend. Don’t make any further plans without him, and if your mother is rejecting your ideas and/or holding you responsible for things, it’s likely preferable to have an inexpensive wedding that you can finance yourself rather than continue to suffer her manipulation.