AITA for Confronting My Parents After They Announced My Engagement as a Marriage to Family Back Home?

A Reddit user recounted how they addressed their parents when they found out their engagement had been misrepresented as a marriage announcement to relatives in their home country. Having spent their childhood in a South Asian family abroad, the user was used to their parents twisting facts to uphold a certain persona, but this particular event left them wounded and perplexed. The complete account of their predicament is available below.

‘ AITA for Confronting My Parents After They Announced My Engagement as a Marriage to Family Back Home?’

Raised in a South Asian family while living abroad, I’ve consistently observed my parents placing importance on upholding a specific family reputation. They frequently stretched the truth or withheld information about certain choices, particularly those that diverged from cultural expectations (my non-academic achievements were presented as academic successes, for instance). Furthermore, I didn’t pursue medicine as they had hoped, opting instead for a secure career path to gain their approval.

It’s both annoying and upsetting, but I now understand that this is just how they function. However, a recent event has really stung me. I’ve been seeing someone for three years (he’s not South Asian and practices a different faith), and we recently decided to get engaged. I made sure my parents knew him well and approved of him. He even sought my father’s blessing before proposing. We got engaged, and I shared the news on social media.

Following a couple of weeks, a relative from my hometown sent me a “happy marriage” greeting. Initially puzzled, it then dawned on me to check with my parents before responding. As it turned out, my parents had shared the news of my wedding, instead of my engagement, with the family back home.

When I confronted them, they initially brushed it off, saying it was “best for the family” to word it that way due to cultural perceptions. Then when i didnt back down they claimed they’d gotten “excited” and accidentally used the wrong word.
Regardless of their reasoning, I was upset. It felt like they had taken my moment and reshaped it to fit their narrative, creating confusion and forcing me to explain the situation to my fiancé as well who was confused.

Unfortunately, several cousins saw my engagement online and offered congratulations before my parents even made their announcement. This made the oversight seem even more obvious. When I addressed the situation, my parents accused me of being overly sensitive and problematic, as usual. They had intended to contribute financially towards a home, but my fiancé and I now feel uneasy about accepting it. My parents often use money to smooth things over after causing emotional pain.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Outrageous-Victory18 −  NTA for confronting your parents. They went public with a lie and now they’re acting like the resulting confusion is your fault. If you want any kind of peace and independence in your future, I would advise you to graciously decline your parents’ “gift” of money towards a house. Gifts are freely given; your parents’ money has strings attached.

jennyfromtheeblock −  You have to be practical about things like this. You know your parents are phonies. Nothing will ever change that. They will never simply be proud of you for being their daughter. They are who they are. Just take the money and buy the house or invest it. Not taking the money is cutting off your nose to spite your face. You don’t have to actually forgive them or forget how they have hurt and disrespected both you and your fiancé.

Don’t let ego cost you a tangible home. It’s foolish and childish. This venture has the potential to secure a prosperous future for you, your partner, and any children you might have. It could translate to retiring sooner or covering tuition expenses for your children. While your parents might not offer genuine affection, they are willing to provide this. Prioritize your well-being and accept it. You’re not the one in the wrong.

snarkness_monster −  “What would others think?” Probably the most common sentence used to justify dishonesty to keep up appearances. I think a lot of people can sympathize with your dilemma. NTA for confronting them. At a certain point, it gets exhausting keeping up with all the lies, and now your partner is getting dragged into the mess and will be expected to lie as well. If you want to be more independent, you should probably decline any monetary assistance. Good luck!

HP_TO −  I’m white, and having a baby with my South Asian partner and his mom thinks we’re married (we’re not even engaged). Everyone’s keeping it a secret from his dad. I feel lucky that my family doesn’t have these strict societal norms, but I respect that his family is different and this is the best path for acceptance. For example, for us to even be living together, there’s an assumption we’re married. Having a baby out of marriage is a sin they cannot fathom.

The log kya kahenge/sochenge (“what will people say/think”) is sooo strong in South Asian cultures. Again, I’m glad I don’t have to live my life with this worry, but I understand others – like your parents in their circles – do. You have every right to feel annoyed that your parents misrepresented the truth. You are living between two cultures with different expectations – and so are they, but they were raised in their more traditional culture where what people think is very real.

You don’t have to agree with their actions, but I think remembering that they’re balancing between two worlds is helpful. Give them a bit of grace, and ask them to talk to you about it beforehand next time so you’re not surprised/can come up with a way to communicate something that you feel more on board with (and good luck with that LOL – Aunties are gonna Auntie).

Divine_in_Us −  NTA. You are perfectly valid in feeling hurt because what your parents did was hurtful. But here’s the thing- Indian parents like these are nearly 90% of the population. Even my parents are like this. I got divorced. They didn’t tell their neighbors or family. When I was getting remarried, I wanted to go to India and get married in their presence but they told me not to come. Told me I had their blessings and they wanted me to be happy but absolutely refused to attend.

They couldn’t bear informing their neighbors that I was a divorced woman remarrying someone from outside their circle. I expressed my feelings to them directly and then minimized contact for my well-being. Therapy aided me in processing my emotions, which was beneficial. We often idealize our parents, but they can possess significant imperfections.

Complicatedrocks −  You could have avoided the whole thing but just responding “oh I think there has been a misunderstanding, X and I have just gotten engaged. Thank you for the warm wishes it’s so lovely to be supported by my family during this exciting time”.  Then played dumb for your parents. Like obviously there was a misunderstanding since you and X are engaged.

Some_Range_9037 −  INFO I have read (mostly on this subR) that South Asian wedding are huge. Was this a side ploy for them to get off of the hook for a mega event wedding with the home friends and family? As to the money, if they have a history of pulling on the strings tied to the presents they give, I wouldn’t blame you for refusing their guilt payoff. Myself, I’m a little greed so I might keep it and use it as I see fit, but then facing up with the string pulling would be a hassle. NTA.

BriefHorror −  NTA however I’m assuming you live in a country that isn’t in South Asia. You can in fact stop talking to them.

Hari_om_tat_sat −  A slightly different take on this. I was raised outside of India with parents who rarely spoke to me in my mothertongue (except when I was in trouble, lol). It seemed to me that they constantly used the words “engaged” & “married” interchangeably & I would always be so confused.

Eventually, I understood that the distinction wasn’t significant for them (at least in English) since, within my cultural context, engagements carry the same weight as marriages. Therefore, they’re practically identical, merely representing different points on the same spectrum. This perspective resolved my internal conflict, and I was no longer bothered by it.

No matter how often we, as kids, tried to correct him, my dad continued to call his toes “fingers.” It bothered and mortified me when he did that, especially considering his profession as a scientist, I believed he should have been more accurate in his language. Then, one day, it clicked. If you think of fingers as “digits” rather than toes, I instantly understood that he was, in fact, technically right. Every single time. Each instance I felt that twinge of annoyance, it was me who was mistaken, not him. Facepalm. Humbling.

classicsandmodernfan −  I get where you’re coming from absolutely NTA. Edit: where was spelled with 3 E’s by mistake.