AITA for wanting my boyfriend to come straight home after work (on some days) to help me destress after taking care of our 4 month old son all day?

A user on Reddit recounted a disagreement she had with her partner’s sibling. The disagreement stemmed from her desire for her partner to come straight home from work on specific days so he could help alleviate her stress. As a stay-at-home mother to their infant, who is 4 months old, she has been feeling burdened by the nonstop demands of childcare.

Her IT professional boyfriend often uses saunas or social outings to de-stress. When she asked for personal time, his brother objected, claiming her boyfriend’s relaxation needs were paramount. She now wonders if her desire is excessive.

‘ AITA for wanting my boyfriend to come straight home after work (on some days) to help me destress after taking care of our 4 month old son all day?’

Hey everyone, I trust you are all safe. Sorry for the long story, but I am hoping you can give me some advice. Yesterday, I (32F) had a disagreement with my boyfriend (32M)’s brother (24M) because he inquired as to why I was upset with my boyfriend when he arrived home. My boyfriend works in IT for a branch of our government.

He enjoys visiting the sauna nearly daily, typically between 5 p.m. and 8 or 9 p.m., citing it as a stress reliever from his job. If he skips the sauna, he’ll usually meet up with friends for a drink. He must be home by 9 p.m. due to the COVID-19 curfew. I understand his need to unwind and spend time with his friends; everyone requires that.

I’ve only requested that he meet me halfway by arriving home a bit earlier on certain days, giving me an hour or two to unwind. I’d like to enjoy a relaxing bath or have a meal without my child demanding to be held. I’m a first-time, stay-at-home mom at 32, and my son won’t take a bottle, so I’m unable to use formula as a supplement.

Essentially, I need to be constantly available for him. My brother-in-law is aware of this since he has been living in our house for approximately five months. During a disagreement yesterday, he suggested that my mental state is insignificant, implying that my child’s welfare should be my sole focus.

It was suggested that my boyfriend’s well-being should take precedence and that I should be more lenient, as I’m supposedly being unjust. It was also mentioned that my stress is affecting both of them negatively, creating an unpleasant environment, and that my boyfriend shouldn’t have to face my irritation when he needs to unwind after coming home.

Now I realize I’m not being excessive, and I get worried when people give me the impression that I am. Am I missing something here?

See what others had to share with OP:

Rduos −  Nta. Hes a parent to and shouldn’t expect you to be a single mother when in a relationship.

PotentialityKnocks −  NTA. Your job as a SAHM is to take care of your son during working hours; your partner is still a father and has to help out. It’s unreasonable to say that you have to be “at work” 24/7. You’re not asking too much. You are definitely entitled to some time to de-stress

pattisabs −  NTA at all! Both your boyfriend and his brother are majorly TAs. You’re in an incredibly stressful position, and he’s leaving you to do all the stressful work of looking after a baby in order to go to the sauna/for drinks EVERY NIGHT after work?? That’s just not acceptable. Your health and mental wellbeing is important too.

He should consider finding another, less stressful, job and prioritize his family if his current position is truly that overwhelming. His brother is also a teaching assistant. Considering that he has been residing with you continuously and you have not had any respite.

Has he not even volunteered to look after the child for a short period to provide some assistance? Is he contributing financially to the household? His subsequent disregard for your anxiety and accusation that you’re causing discomfort is appalling.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You are a woman. They are men. I’ve seen hundreds of posts like this on Reddit, and they are all the same: the woman has to sacrifice so the husband doesn’t have to do anything. BIL is a b**. If he’s not helping, show him the door.

Your boyfriend has to get wise. This could spell trouble for you, there are a lot of warning signs here. The sauna? For three hours? That’s suspicious….

bananapantspalmtree −  NTA Ok first off, kick the moocher BIL out! Not paying rent and not helping around the house? Buh-bye! As for your partner, I highly doubt he is spending that much time on week days and weekends at the sauna. So where is he really? But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.

It seems he’s trying to get away from the house and the child, maybe he’s not stepping up as a parent, or perhaps he’s suffering from postpartum depression. It can affect fathers too and can be quite serious. I think it’s time for a private conversation with him to figure out what’s really happening.

If he’s experiencing postnatal depression, he should seek therapy. If he’s just being lazy, he needs to step up or leave and let you raise your child. It’s unjust that you’re constantly with the baby; you also need personal time away from your little one.

Fairfieldjones −  Wow. NTA at all. That’s really messed up he is out most nights. Something seems odd there. I’m a new parent too, and I feel guilty enough just going to work, let alone going out to drink/sauna after because I need to “destress” while she’s been home with our kid.

I’m baffled that your partner struggles with the idea of shared parenting and allowing you some respite. His life no longer revolves solely around him.

Green-Astronomer9725 −  NTA He doesn’t need to do 3 hours every day. That’s absolutely insane. I’m so sorry you’re going through this

dmndash90 −  NTA kick the brother out and have a serious discussion with your husband. Tf he thinks he is, taking care of the baby when he’s “more manageable”. So you cook, clean and take care of 2 adults (husband and brother) and a very small baby? At this point in time being a single parents sounds easier.

I truly dislike being the bearer of bad news, but I doubt your spouse spends three hours in the sauna each day, and six on weekends. In all honesty, he may be unfaithful, enjoying himself while his wife is single-handedly raising their child.

faenyxrising −  Am I the only person that thinks that if this man was seriously spending that much time in a sauna (because this includes 8 hours on the weekends a day) that he’d have skin problems or some other issue? NTA OP but his brother is covering for him and he’s being awful to you.

Befub14435 −  I read your update. Please make sure he pays child support. And congratulations on believing and realizing you deserve more