7 Months After Learning My Wife Can’t Have Kids, She’s Still Struggling – Should I Consider Divorce?

A user on Reddit tells a sorrowful tale of his wife’s ordeal upon discovering her infertility. Seven months on, her sorrow has morphed into total detachment.

His confusion and lack of clarity regarding what lies ahead for his marriage is palpable. In search of guidance, he questions whether ending the marriage is the only path forward. To fully grasp the challenges he faces, read the story he shared below.

‘ 7 Months After Learning My Wife Can’t Have Kids, She’s Still Struggling – Should I Consider Divorce?’

Some context about my spouse: being an only child, her early years were quite solitary. Consequently, the idea of having children and seeing them develop a bond is very meaningful to her, perhaps the most meaningful thing.

After discovering seven months prior that my wife was infertile, we were both heartbroken, which led to her resignation. For the following month, she remained in bed, consumed by tears and Netflix.

I made sure she had food without leaving the bed, began telecommuting, and offered her my complete assistance, as that was the minimum I felt I should provide. However, we are now seven months on, and she continues to weep and watch streaming shows in bed throughout the day. I inquire daily about her needs, but her sole response consists of different versions of “go away” or “I need to be left alone”.

She mainly gets up to prepare food for herself, go to the restroom, or wash up. I handle all the meal preparation, tidying, and washing of clothes. I have proposed various solutions aimed at her improvement, such as:

1. Counseling: According to her, every therapist just throws nonsense back in your face. 2. Adoption or surrogacy: She rejected both, stating they didn’t feel appropriate for her. 3. Relocating to her parents’ town: She considered a move of 100 miles too overwhelming.

4. Buying a corgi puppy (corgis are her favorite). She snapped at me saying that a puppy is no substitute for a real human child. 5. Taking her on a weeklong trip to anywhere she chooses. Again, she said that’s too much stress.

Earlier this evening, I spoke with my wife. I conveyed that our relationship couldn’t continue if her behavior persisted, emphasizing her need for assistance. She dismissed my concerns, asserting she was alright and insulting me for suggesting she seek help.

I truly adore my wife; she means the world to me. I am trying my hardest to support her, but she won’t accept my assistance and is completely unwilling to face reality. I realize she would be heartbroken if we divorced, but I truly cannot continue to live in this manner much longer. What are my options?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

wowucanreallydance −  Sit her down and tell her everything you said in that last paragraph.

[Reddit User] −  Your last ditch effort should be to push her into therapy. Not couples counseling. Therapy. She is suffering and she needs professional help. That news was so devestating that it bombed her right into a deep depression.

Instead of having that difficult conversation tomorrow, perhaps you should prioritize scheduling an appointment with a therapist for yourself first thing in the morning. Seek help as soon as possible and discuss this situation with them to benefit your own well-being.

Divorce is unpleasant, financially draining, and you still care for your wife. A therapist, on the other hand, is a cost-effective option. They could assist you in overcoming this significant obstacle in your relationship. Since you have time, avoid making a hasty choice about divorce.

You care for her, yet you haven’t explored the clearest avenue for assisting someone requiring mental health support. While searching tonight or tomorrow morning, consider looking for a couples therapist, even if you attend sessions solo.

It’s completely understandable and valid to feel that way. These professionals can offer direction and solace as you navigate the difficult circumstances you’re facing. Allow your relationship to develop naturally, but seek external support without delay.

Witchy_Woman420 −  This is a very hard situation and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Being a aspiring parent myself, I absolutely sympathize for you and your wife. But at the same time, she sounds severely depressed,

Her unwillingness to get support, and the way she lashes out when you offer assistance, is not okay. After dealing with this for so long, I completely get your perspective. You’ve provided excellent advice, and you’re handling this situation well.

Perhaps you could try putting your feelings in a letter? When dealing with delicate subjects or when direct conversations aren’t productive, a letter can be far more effective. Be completely open and truthful; tell her that you love her, that you’re there for her, but that the separation is straining your relationship.

Make it clear to her that the survival of your marriage hinges on her commitment to improving. Emphasize your preference for navigating this challenge as a united front, rather than being compelled to part ways, and leave the ultimate decision in her hands.

Give her the letter, then tell her “I’m available to talk when you’re ready” and exit the room. She’ll likely be disturbed, but you can’t continue living this way. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you want to discuss this further.

sideoats_gramma −  Have you talked to her mom? Or maybe a really good friend of hers? She is in a bad place and it doesn’t look like you can reach her, but maybe mom or good friend can…

[Reddit User] −  I’m sorry for what you’re both going through. It’s understandable that your wife is upset and depressed, but just because she’s in pain doesn’t mean she has license to take that out on you.

What you’ve described is completely untenable. At this juncture, you are simply reinforcing her actions, letting her remain in a state of self-pity instead of taking necessary steps: recommitting to the relationship and acknowledging the sadness of the situation while recognizing that alternative paths to parenthood exist.

Do her close friends and family know what’s happening? If those around her tell her that her actions and the way she’s treating you aren’t okay, it might shock her into recognizing the problem and push her to get support.

If they have made an effort and she hasn’t responded, I concur that the most beneficial course of action for everyone involved is to step away.

DarkElla30 −  This sounds like a major depressive episode. A lot of people say you need to stick with an ill spouse no matter how bad it gets or you’ve abandoned them at the ‘for worse’ stage of the marriage. But, we also can’t be held hostage to a partner that is stuck long term with no interest in getting help.

I have to say, I believe you are missing the mark here. She is dealing with significant grief, including years spent envisioning a joyful, traditional family life and a future with grandchildren. Her thinking isn’t rational, and she can’t simply “move on.” Suggesting things like puppies, vacations, or quick fixes likely isn’t helpful to her.

Although your ideas are wonderful – such as relocating closer to relatives, maintaining connections through travel, or jointly raising puppies – she likely perceives your attempts to ‘correct’ the situation and move forward. She’s not prepared to pretend everything is alright for your benefit. I concur that she’s likely struggling. Perhaps consider this approach?

Let her know that you are struggling to cope with her grief regarding this awful news, and that you want to figure out how you can both support each other during this difficult period. Mention that you’ve identified two therapists and ask her if either of them seem like a good fit. Suggest that she come in whatever she feels comfortable wearing, even pajamas, just so that you have someone there with you.

Should that not work, try attending by yourself a couple of times. As a last resort, therapy could assist you in choosing your subsequent actions with greater precision. Best of luck! Edit: Wow, this comes across as severe upon re-reading, but honestly, I wouldn’t alter anything. Depression is incredibly challenging for everyone involved.

That would be a terrible experience, to lose all hope of having biological children, and then your partner too. It’s not an insurmountable situation, but it would require a great deal of introspection and effort from both of you, assuming you both have that capacity. I wish you well.

BookPherq −  This is my second response. I deleted my first after reading more of your comments to other Redditors. Sometimes I’m quick to type. Sorry for that. I was someone else’s wife in the bed. I was shattered after being diagnosed with Parkinson’s and Essential tremor at age 40. I saved myself after about 3 months.

I was also someone who had responses to every question thrown my way. My general attitude was one of apathy. Much of what my husband expressed then was consumed by my negativity. I strongly believe you should report her actions, informing her parents and her closest companions.

It’s not that long of a trip, perhaps her parents could visit and ensure she remains the priority, not the kids. If they’re unable to travel, they could connect via video call. Additionally, what could have been beneficial during that period is if my husband had shared his feelings with me. (He’s only now starting to express how my diagnosis has affected him, almost three years later).

He consistently embodies strength, problem-solving, and planning. You’re grappling not just with the potential absence of future children, but also with a seriously ill spouse. When you’re feeling completely crushed by everything, let her see it. Allow her to witness the impact it’s having on you.

Not furious demands, but sorrow. The rare occasions when my spouse has genuinely wept alongside me have significantly improved our relationship. My empathy goes out to you both, OP. Please keep us informed.

Hydlee −  Is she on social media at all? Sometimes that can either help or hinder this type of situation. 2 years ago I (f32)almost died. To not die, I had to have a total abdominal hysterectomy with a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (they took ALL my girly parts)

It would be an outright falsehood to suggest that I didn’t descend into an incredibly profound and intense depressive state. This lasted half a year. Bless my husband (m43) for everything he had to endure. Even now, the entire ordeal has left me severely agoraphobic. I’ve only ventured out of my home half a dozen times in the past six months.

Completely fine, I’m not seeking sympathy. I’m simply sharing my story in the hope that it might give you some insight into her behavior. Some women possess a deeply ingrained sense that their womanhood is diminished when they can no longer bear children. She perceives herself as entirely without value.

Honestly, the desire for children didn’t even cross my mind until the option was unexpectedly and definitively eliminated. Is her mother still alive? Are there any sisters she has? Is there anyone besides you that she can confide in? I’m not implying that you aren’t a source of support, but perhaps she needs to connect with someone who has gone through similar circumstances.

username:ThrowawayRAofSorts To be frank (and this is going to sound really random), I had a terrible, foolish habit of self-harm. I would cut myself with sharp objects whenever I was in a bad place mentally. The only thing that got me to quit was when my husband told me point-blank, “If you don’t stop, I’m leaving.”

An occasional person requires a forceful push to fully comprehend a situation. My concern lies in whether she possesses the emotional fortitude to handle such an approach, or if presenting her with an ultimatum would lead to self-destructive behavior. If I were in your position, I would strongly advise her to seek therapy or face the possibility of a divorce if she remains unwilling to adjust her behavior. Otherwise, the marriage is over.

Suggest to her that you’re considering personal therapy and would like her to join. I realize this might be a calculated move, but sometimes a direct approach is necessary. I sincerely wish you the best. I hope the situation resolves positively. And if she agrees to seek professional help, be sure to express your gratitude.

[Reddit User] −  1. Get a second opinion. Sometimes doctors can be wrong. 2. Sometimes doctors are wrong entirely. I’ve seen and read many stories of people whose doctors told them they couldn’t have kids and yet a miracle baby happened. Fertility drugs may also be possible.

sold_myfortune −  She sounds clinically depressed. It happens. Regular grieving and sadness is a month or two, but seven months in bed sounds very possibly like clinical depression. She told you that she’s fine, but clearly she isn’t. In a non-angry, supportive way you need to list the ways that things are not normal and fine.

She might really benefit from medication or therapy to overcome this. It doesn’t have to be a professional therapist; a group of people with similar experiences could offer understanding and support. Regardless, she requires assistance. Make sure she receives the support she needs.

You’re the one providing assistance in this situation. What if a vehicle had struck her, and her recuperation spanned a year or more? Would you abandon her then? Despair isn’t the end; improvement is possible.

Is the user right to feel impatient, or should he be more understanding of his wife’s mourning period? What are some ways to effectively support a partner experiencing intense grief? Let’s discuss your perspectives in the comments.

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/nCNAD