AITA for not paying for my daughter’s wedding because she invited my brother and his family
A 46-year-old Reddit user states that a rift has existed between him and his 48-year-old brother for more than a quarter of a century. This occurred after he learned his brother was having a romantic entanglement with his girlfriend at the time. He established an unyielding condition: he would never go to gatherings where his brother was an attendee.
His daughter is about to get married, and she recently admitted that she has been secretly in contact with her uncle and his family and even wants them to come to the wedding. The user didn’t want to pay for the wedding if his brother was invited. As a result, his daughter claimed he was being selfish and making the wedding about himself. He is now unsure if he is in the wrong. The full story is available below.
‘ AITA for not paying for my daughter’s wedding because she invited my brother and his family’
At 46, I am two years younger than my brother. At age 20, my then-girlfriend had an affair with him, which left me devastated and enraged. I severed our sibling ties, declaring he was no longer my brother. Although I requested my family to ostracize him as well, they did not comply. Consequently, I informed them that I would avoid being in the same location as him. If they planned to invite us both, they should favor him, as my decision was final.
My girl is getting married next spring. As is custom in our culture, the wedding expenses are to be split evenly between both sets of parents. Out of the blue, my daughter revealed to me that she intends to invite my brother and his family (he is married to my ex-wife, who cheated on me). I was shocked to find out that she has been meeting with them for the past four years, nurturing a relationship without my knowledge. To add insult to injury, she even wants my niece to be a flower girl.
I was furious. I had already communicated my limits to her, making it clear that I wouldn’t contribute financially if my brother was on the guest list. She got upset and said I needed to move on from what happened. I asserted that it wasn’t her decision to make. The argument continued, and she accused me of centering the wedding around myself. I responded that I likely wouldn’t even be there, ensuring the focus remained on her. She then left in tears.
My former spouse rang me up, yelling, saying I’m a terrible person and that our daughter is devastated. Then my mom and dad phoned, saying the same thing. I lashed out at them and now I’m not answering when they call. My girlfriend suggested I rethink my position and say sorry, because not providing financial support or being there will destroy my relationship with my daughter. I’m unsure. I feel like my limits should be acknowledged. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way?
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
AsuraRathalos − Yo wtf is happening on Reddit today…. man, NTA all the way. This is one of those stories where your daughter has decided that she’s willing to alienate you for someone that betrayed your trust, it doesn’t matter if it was 20 years ago, it only matters that it happened, which thereby means, she betrayed your trust. If she want him there so bad he can pay the half.
It’s acceptable for her to be in a relationship and to want her cousin involved, but it’s not right for her to expect you to contribute financially to her wedding, enabling someone who caused you significant pain to be present.
Efc:
I completely agree with your decision to stand firm, but keep in mind that staying here means you’ll likely not be part of her future children’s lives, birthday celebrations, and other family gatherings, as your family will probably exclude you. If you can accept that, then proceed.
Eta
Even with all the mystery surrounding this, I still wouldn’t spend any money. I’m guessing you’ll pay, but your brother will come anyway.
Eta appreciates the award and the feedback. The initial reactions were harsh, unbelievably so. I honestly believed I would be buried in downvotes based on the beginning.
EnvironmentalPhase21 − Y’all are wild in these comments. If this is real I’d love to see some of you play happy family with your cheating brother and ex
themichaelkemp − Here’s a very unpopular NTA. I don’t understand why your daughter decided to connect with somebody who betrayed their father. How much drama would’ve it been to let sleeping dogs lie? I know a lot of people would’ve gotten over this betrayal, but you’re entitled to your feelings. Still if this causes an irreparable rift between you and your daughter being right won’t give you much comfort
Caribe92 − NTA NTA NTA NTA. The people around you need a reality check. Ask your daughter if her fiancé cheated on her tomorrow, moved on with the affair partner, and you decided to stay close with him, if she’d be okay with it.
It’s simple for people to criticize you when they haven’t experienced your situation. Regarding the funds, regardless of custom, they belong to you, and you have the right to use them however you wish. In my culture, the parents also cover the wedding costs, but I would never allow my parents to use their savings for my wedding when they have already struggled to provide me with the life I currently have. Not all customs must be observed.
[Reddit User] − NTA. But be prepared to continually be bombarded with messages indicating otherwise. You set a boundary that you are simply maintaining. Nothing more. You even made people aware so none of this should be a shock to any of them. Now, out of respect for your daughter’s wedding, you’ve decided not to attend in order to avoid the issue with your brother and to avoid making the wedding about you and him. I applaud you, that’s a hard decision to make.
Schnucksworld − NTA. Let her uncle pay for the wedding if she likes him so much. 🤷🏼♀️
Apprehensive_Secret2 − NTA. If those are your hard boundaries, those are your hard boundaries.. HOWEVER Consider what you are doing. Your daughter should not get to dictate when or if you let go of the past, but she is well within her rights to invite whomever she wants to her wedding and build a relationship with her uncle if she chooses to.
You have the option to decline the invitation and withhold payment. Invitations are not mandatory, and social norms do not constitute financial obligations. Nevertheless, she also reserves the right to sever ties with you permanently as a result. Consequently, you might no longer receive invitations to future events involving your daughter. You could potentially forfeit the opportunity to see or interact with your grandchildren until they reach adulthood.
It is reasonable to anticipate that others will acknowledge your limits. However, it is unreasonable to demand that others restructure their lives in accordance with your limits. Therefore, consider whether you are at peace with the possibility of having no contact with your daughter. If that’s the case, then that’s perfectly fine. Do what is best for you.
It’s time to reevaluate whether sharing space with your brother – where you aren’t obligated to interact or even acknowledge him, just remain neutral – is worth risking your bond with your daughter.
edysal123 − I’m assuming you’ve supported your daughter throughout her life and you have a good relationship with her prior to this? You made it clear to her and the rest of your family that the betrayel your brother committed against you hurt you enough to want to go no contact forever.
She’s aware of the circumstances, but she still developed a connection with your brother and his family without your knowledge. While she’s an adult and can make her own decisions, her choice has repercussions and reveals a lot about the situation. It demonstrates her willingness to break your trust and cause you pain for that relationship. Your daughter should be supporting you, but she chose to go against you. NTA
roxythekapopcat − Your brother betrayed you all those years ago and now your daughter betrayed you. Nobody can dictate you to forgive anybody, just because a number of years have passed. NTA. Your daughter only wanted your money, but didn’t care about your comfort and, ultimately, presence at the wedding you were supposed to pay for.
NHFNCFRE − Really, is she crying because you might not go, or is she crying about the money?
Is the father justified in upholding his principles, or should he put aside past grievances for his daughter’s benefit? Should a parent’s past influence their decision to contribute financially to their child’s wedding? Let us know what you think!
