AITAH for finally taking my spouse’s comment at face value?

A Redditor (married for 22 years) shared a heartbreaking moment when her spouse told her during a Christmas fight that he’s hated her for two years. After years of constant arguing, failed therapy attempts, and mounting emotional strain, she decided to take his words at face value and contacted a divorce lawyer. Now, she’s questioning whether she’s wrong for finally saying enough is enough. Read the original story below for more context.

‘ AITAH for finally taking my spouse’s comment at face value?’

I’ve been married for 22 years, and my partner and I are always arguing. We’ve consulted therapists, but my spouse has rejected them all for various reasons; we’ve seen five marriage counselors in total. We have two sons.

They’re old enough to realize that we’re constantly at odds, regardless of how quiet we try to be because of the way sound travels in older houses. Our argument today, on Christmas, was especially intense. In a nutshell, my husband admitted that he despises me and has felt this way for the past two years.

I immediately closed my mouth and stopped speaking. We opened gifts with our sons and then I went to my room and locked the door. I have reached out to a divorce lawyer. Am I the a**hole for finally saying enough is enough?

Update: Having reviewed numerous comments, I want to clarify a few points. Firstly, I am unable to provide detailed information due to my spouse’s Reddit activity. Secondly, neither of us has engaged in infidelity or experienced financial problems. Thirdly, legal professionals and divorce-related services are readily accessible around the clock for informational purposes and to initiate separation proceedings.

I realize I’ve been a fool to prolong this situation, with constant conflict between us and its impact on our children. I’m aware of my part in this. I’ve made efforts to improve things, to be a better partner, and to meet my spouse’s expectations. I have a job and support our family financially. I am not idle at home, nor am I dependent on my spouse.

I’m not starting a new family. I’m not keeping anything under wraps. I’m damaged. And I finally reached out to someone to move forward. I’m just unsure if it was the correct decision. I’m not blameless in this. We argue. WE ARGUE. I simply couldn’t recover from what was said.

Two years ago, my husband took an action that definitively signaled his desire to end our marriage. I won’t elaborate further. I failed to recognize the warning signs, blinded by my own idealism. I was clinging to the idea of our family and prioritizing my own desires. Consequently, I questioned whether I was in the wrong for initiating change after 22 years of inaction, a period during which I passively accepted our circumstances.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Becalmandkind −  NTA. You both deserve to be happy. Enough is enough. You’ll look back on this and wonder why it took you so long to end it.

Wonderful-Fault926 −  NTA. It sounds like the marriage has been done. I promise, as a child of divorce, I was a million times happier after the split finally came and I no longer had to deal with the constant fighting. This is for the best for you and those kids.

lovescarats −  NTA, believe him.

NefariousnessFresh24 −  NTA for finally doing what you should have done years ago. If he rejects 5 marriage counselors for whatever reason, then maybe there is no amount of counseling that can save this marriage because he doesn’t want it saved.

BlueGreen_1956 −  ESH
You should have said “enough” the minute your kids could hear the crossfire.

HandComprehensive201 −  NTA. He’s too lazy to do anything about hating you so instead he is mean and vindictive. Believe him, he is telling you exactly what he thinks of you. Stop waiting for your time, this is it! Seize the opportunity to get a life. Don’t argue anymore, focus on yourself and your kids. Let him go, he’s a l**er!

ObsidianNight102399 −  How in the hell did you get into contact with a divorce lawyer on Christmas day??

Canadianman67 −  Wow! Hate is such a strong word! I am sorry you were going through this, especially on Christmas day! You are definitely not the A.H!! 22 years of marriage, you didn’t say how old your children were, but I’m assuming they are probably in their late teens?

ellesweetness −  NTA. Apparently, he feels like he’s stuck or settling. I’ll bet he even turns his attitude around when he finds out about the pending divorce. From the canceled therapy numerous times, he seems like he doesn’t want to take any responsibility for his part. I’m sorry this is how your holiday went.

I recall a study suggesting that individuals can detect fear through scent alone, based on blind scent exposure using sweat-soaked clothing from first-time skydivers and treadmill users. It’s unpleasant, but children are capable of picking up on these signals. Even unspoken conflicts create a sense of emotional insecurity for everyone.

DrRGoldenblatt −  Go forward and start living again. The best example for the kids is to see you taking care of yourself. Self respect is not being an a**hole. Constant fighting is a**sive and needs to stop.

Was the user on Reddit justified in regarding her partner’s cutting remarks as an irreparable fracture, or should she have made one more effort to salvage the relationship? How would you respond if you were in her shoes, particularly given the presence of children? Please share your opinions in the comments!