How do I (30f) make it clear to my husband (33m) that I don’t want to share my bonus even if I’m a “stay at home wife”?

A homemaker (30F), now employed part-time and feeling exasperated, seeks guidance on how to defend her claim to a modest $300 bonus she received. Even though she puts in 30 hours each week at her job, looks after her husband’s aging parents, and manages the bulk of the domestic duties, her spouse (33M) is adamant that the funds should be placed in their joint account.

She’s feeling weighed down and bitter because she never has money for herself, not even for necessities like winter wear or personal care products. The pair have reached an impasse, with neither prepared to give ground.

‘ How do I (30f) make it clear to my husband (33m) that I don’t want to share my bonus even if I’m a “stay at home wife”?’

My spouse and I have/had a conventional marriage. Once we wed, I stopped working to look after his aging and ailing parents who were in their 70s/80s. We intended to have two children. He works in a manual labor profession.

The company is struggling financially, so he requested my assistance to maintain our mortgage payments, which currently have a 6% interest rate. I currently earn just slightly more than the minimum wage as an office administrator, working 30 hours per week. Despite this, I am still responsible for caring for his parents and handling most of the household duties.

My husband puts in 60 hours each week at his job. Although he earns a higher income than me, I still perceive an imbalance. He insists that we lack the financial means for extras. We maintain a very economical lifestyle. I am annoyed and sad that he is unwilling to re-evaluate our expenses or think about seeking alternative employment.

He yearned for a house and a car, and now I’m stuck working tirelessly to pay for things I never even desired. I received a modest $300 bonus because my boss commended my excellent performance. My husband instructed me to deposit it into our joint account, but I’m hesitant. I’d like to use at least a portion of my bonus for my own enjoyment.

I require new winter attire and also some skincare and cosmetic products as my supply is dwindling. He argues that these items are not essential. I am weary of constantly being responsible for all tasks, only to have the sole enjoyable aspect of my life revoked as well. We are both irritated with each other and unwilling to compromise.

How can I clearly communicate that I’m not willing to share that small bonus, especially since I’m never rewarded, even when I deserve it?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

trilliumsummer −  Do you know your finances? Looked at all incoming money and look at all bills and see how it shakes out? See the needs vs the wants?

WhoDatLadyBear −  How are you a stay at home wife when you work 30 hours?! Girl, he’s taking advantage of you.

ThrowRArosecolor −  Oh honey. Do you realize that you can’t have kids with this man? He’s going to waste your fertile years having you nurse his parents in rags and driving in his pretty new truck and owning a nice home and then trade you in for a younger model to have kids when his parents are gone.

Please connect with your social circle. You’re justified in ending the relationship. In the future, his parents will likely live with you, and you’ll remain the main source of care. He’s exploiting your efforts, and he’s okay with you struggling financially to secure his financial gain. You’re still able to find a more considerate partner and start a family, if that’s what you desire.

Amusedfemalestandard −  Newsflash, you’re not a SAHW. That’s just a guilt trip of perceived “privilege” that your husband uses to manipulate and control you. You basically work full time AND you’re a caretaker to TWO elderly adults, you’re a maid, you’re a cook, and you manage the household finances.

He is putting in 60 hours a week and still struggling to support his family, but believes a better job isn’t possible. The only “traditional” aspect here is the fact that you’re being taken advantage of as you struggle to provide for everyone else.

herculepoirot4ever −  You’re 30 and married to someone who treats you like the hired help only he expects you to pay him! Like wtf?! You will never have kids. There will never be enough time or money. Or—you will have kids, and you’ll work yourself into an early grave trying to be a SAHM, caretaker and working a job.

Your kids will always come after his parents and himself. You’ll be scrounging up quarters to pay for school lunches and to fill up a bag of used clothes on dollar day at the thrift shop while he’s driving a new truck with new tires. Girl—come on! Wake up. Open your eyes.

Pack your belongings and go. You are still very young and have a full life to live. End your marriage. Find your own accommodation. Increase your working hours or find a different job. Find love again with a person who truly listens and encourages your ambitions. Create the life that you desire and are worthy of.

Old-Assistance-2017 −  You’re a SAHW but you work 30 hours a week? If you’re working it’s your money too and you have the right to use it. You guys don’t sound like you’re in a fair marriage. He’s controlling your finances. Open a separate bank account, if you can bump up your hours to a full time position. Save the extra money and put it away.

anglflw −  The whole “tradwife” thing is such a crock. There may have been one, at most two, generations of women who didn’t have to work outside the home at least here in post-WWII USA.

Traditionally, when the majority resided in rural settings, practically everyone helped on the family farm, while urban dwellers typically worked outside the house. Regarding your particular circumstance, what gives him the authority to dictate what constitutes a necessity?

Rainmoearts −  Just because someone is your husband or wife doesn’t give them the right to control you.

aboveyardley −  Maybe think twice about having a kid with this guy, unless of course you’re willing to do 100% of the childcare and get a second job to pay for all the new expenses.

KMN208 −  So, I have this comment saved in my cache for the daily posts of women in your (or a comparable) position and it usually aims at fixing things. But I fear he is too controlling and a**sive to find a healthy balance, so maybe start with.

If he ever resorts to physical violence against you or your possessions (purposely damaging something you own or value in a fit of rage), it’s crucial to devise an exit strategy. This is a revised version of my standard advice.

You two need to rethink your approach: you’re not in a conventional marriage, so he needs to adapt and actively contribute at home. Taking care of HIS parents shouldn’t fall entirely on you, especially since you work 30 hours per week.

Regardless of whether you’re the primary income earner or a stay-at-home mom, you’re not a round-the-clock slave. The physical demands of his work aren’t a valid justification. You merit personal time, and his ability to live his life as he does is solely dependent on your management of all responsibilities. Discontinue supporting his behavior.

Time is a universal constant. Each partner has an equal allocation of hours for employment (both compensated and uncompensated), rest, nourishment, personal care, and recreation. The fairness of time distribution is indisputable. Why should one individual’s personal time be diminished relative to their partner’s?

Being unwell is not enjoyable. It’s a day off due to illness and doesn’t contribute to leisure time. Be prepared to relax and cease all activities not essential to your well-being, and don’t hesitate to seek medical attention if your condition doesn’t improve.

He probably doesn’t appreciate your hard work and may have old-fashioned, sexist beliefs about who should do what. (Just because someone is female doesn’t mean they enjoy housework.) It’s okay to walk away from someone you care about if they’re making you miserable.

You might not be there yet, but I thought it was important to mention. Communicate all of this to him, state it once, and then act accordingly. Showcase your efforts and complete this task.