Husband, 37M, attempted to manipulate me, 35F. I called his bluff. Now what?
A 35-year-old woman on Reddit recounts the emotional fallout from learning her 37-year-old husband tried to coerce her into dropping their ongoing dispute about chores. Despite her full-time job, paying 85% of their expenses, and handling most childcare and housework, her pleas for assistance were met with his fury and divorce threats—empty threats, he confessed, designed to frighten her into obedience.
Now emotionally distant, she finds it hard to see what the relationship holds and whether what he did warrants a breakup. Get the full story below for more on her situation.
‘ Husband, 37M, attempted to manipulate me, 35F. I called his bluff. Now what?’
I am a 35-year-old female, and my husband is a 37-year-old male. We’ve been a couple for five and a half years, and we have a daughter who is 18 months old. Our marriage has been mostly positive, but we’ve had the same two arguments over and over for more than three years.
I’m employed full-time, responsible for 85% of our expenses, and handle all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, and household management. He’s also employed full-time, but when he gets home, he changes out of his work attire, leaves it on the living room sofa, and relaxes in the family room watching YouTube. I’ve consistently requested his help but am always met with excuses.
He also struggles with a mild pornography dependency and experiences rapid climax, which is a concern, although not the immediate issue. For approximately the past ten days, I was extremely busy preparing for this week’s holiday.
I took care of the house, laundering the guest room sheets, sanitizing the refrigerator, and handling all the small details required for hosting Thanksgiving for my family. I also kept up with my regular everyday tasks.
To illustrate, a typical day involves waking up and ensuring lunches for my partner, myself, and the baby are prepared. I also make sure she is dressed for daycare, my work bag is packed, and then I drive to work. Following work, I head to daycare to retrieve my baby girl, frequently participating in phone meetings during the drive.
Handle essential tasks like grocery shopping, visits to Costco, and pharmacy runs. Return home, nurse the baby right away, begin preparing dinner for a prompt meal after my partner arrives, bathe the baby, allow her playtime while I clear the table, wash dishes, sanitize the kitchen, generally tidy up, feed her once more, lull her to sleep, and then lastly, take a shower myself! These are just standard daily chores, yet I’m constantly busy until 9 or 10 PM.
I re-requested assistance the prior week, only to be informed that he required respite due to fatigue. Inevitably, I countered by stating that I am perpetually without respite, equally fatigued, and in need of domestic assistance; furthermore, if he is unable to provide equal financial support, he should at least provide equal assistance with cleaning duties.
He went completely silent on me for a couple of days. After that, he wondered if I wanted to accompany him and the baby to his mom’s place. I told him I’d only go if he promised not to ice me out the entire visit. That’s what set him off.
He lost his temper. Apparently, all I’ve done for the past three years is complain, he despises cleaning and refuses to do it, and if his contribution is such a significant issue, we should get a divorce. I inquired about what that would entail for him. He responded, “I’ll rent an apartment, give you the house, and refinance it in your name.”
He proposed an even split of both childcare and associated costs. Following this statement, he abruptly departed, spending the evening at his mother’s residence until approximately 1:00 AM. Subsequently, he ignored me for a further two days.
The other day I inquired about the progress of his apartment search, and he simply responded with “huh?”. I affirmed my belief that he was correct, acknowledging that I had been complaining about this situation for the past three years, expressing my unhappiness and stating that he wasn’t contributing to improving my life.
I concurred that dissolving the marriage was the optimal path and expressed my preference for a friendly separation with effective co-parenting over the alternative of developing animosity and feeling trapped in a destructive union. In response, he confessed, “I only voiced that to frighten you into silence.” Essentially, he tried to emotionally abuse/manipulate me to achieve his desired outcome.
As someone who was raised in an abusive and unhealthy environment, this immediately made me emotionally numb. When I look at him, I don’t feel anything. He’s currently attempting to get back on my good side by giving me flowers and chocolates, but it only makes me feel even more angry.
I’m seeking guidance. Is his attempt to manipulate me, which he confessed to, justification enough for me to want to end things? Because I’ll be frank, I’m considering making a scene at Thanksgiving. I’m unsure if my anger is simply driving my reaction, or if I’ve genuinely reached my breaking point.
Check out how the community responded:
Champion_Flight − He’s not just manipulating you – he’s exploiting you. You’re carrying the financial burden, all household responsibilities, childcare, AND he tried to use divorce as a weapon when you asked for basic partnership.
His confession that his intention was to “frighten you into silence” demonstrates that he sees your legitimate requirements as a bothersome issue to be suppressed. You’re essentially a single parent who is also funding his way of life. The only distinction is that you have a grown-up who leaves his clothing on your sofa and watches YouTube while you wear yourself out.
The flowers and chocolates aren’t a sign of regret; they’re a sign of terror because his emotional manipulation failed. You’re not being dramatic; you’re finally understanding the situation. When someone expresses a preference for divorce over contributing to their own home, and then acknowledges that they were simply trying to intimidate you into obedience, accept that admission as truth.
He is demonstrating that his own ease is more important than your happiness, and he will employ emotional tactics to keep it that way. Your anger stems not from the attempted manipulation itself, but from its revelation of the deep-seated lack of respect within your marriage. He provides very little financial support, does nothing around the house, and when challenged, threatens divorce to shut you down. This level of betrayal cannot be undone with flowers.
perksofbeingcrafty − Keep saying nothing. Go find a good lawyer. Get a divorce, and make damn sure your lawyer gets you more than 50% of your shared assets because I cannot see what he is contributing to your life and happiness aside from that 15% of expenses. Get out now——if this man is like this approaching 40, he’s not going to change. You deserve so much better. Get out early and go find that better.
I would advise against spoiling Thanksgiving or planting the idea that you are seriously thinking about ending the marriage. Discreetly get in touch with a lawyer and get things in order. When you eventually inform him of your desire for a divorce, ensure it’s in a setting where he won’t be able to use your daughter as a bargaining chip by concealing her location. For example, if she attends daycare, collect her and leave her with a dependable friend or family member before confronting him.
HappyCabbage9013 − He’s trying to make it up to you with flowers and chocolates… instead of the cleaning you’ve repeatedly asked for 😂😂. I’m sorry, I can’t. He even fails at groveling. 😂
Kim_Smoltz_ − You don’t need permission to leave but here it is anyway: you have permission to leave this really toxic situation and you will probably be happier without him dragging you down.
Posterbomber − As I see it, the divorce is coming no matter what. It’s just the “when” that is in question, I’d say the sooner the better. As a single mom, you’ll be paying 100% of the bills and doing 100% of the work but you’ll have one less child to do it for.
TheGirlwThePinkHair − So he does nothing, contributes almost nothing and the s** is bad?! And he thought he’d scare you by saying he’d leave you?! That doesn’t sound scary, that sounds like a gift.
dineneth18 − Follow through and give him that divorce. You are already taking care of everything, it’ll be easier without him in the house with you. And you’ll at least get a break during his custody time. I’m honestly just surprised you had a child with him if this has been a problem for 3+ years.
anabsentfriend − He bought you flowers and chocolates?? You mean he didn’t get on his hands and knees and scrub the floors, do the washing. Get the shopping in. Bath the baby. Apply for better paid jobs??? He got flowers and chocolates in response to this? Jeez
AgonistPhD − He’s trying to get in your good graces with flowers and chocolate, not *cleaning the f**king house like you asked in the first place*? Yeah, I can see why you’re done. It’s okay to just be done.
Experienced_Camper69 − This right here ladies is why you need your own income, so you can pick up and leave when you need to
Is the acknowledged manipulation by her husband an obvious indicator of a harmful relationship dynamic, or can they restore trust and balance in their marriage? If you were in her position, what actions would you take? Please share your perspectives and personal stories in the comment section.
