My (35f) husband (34m) is upset I donated my wedding dress? How to tell him I don’t want to be reminded of our wedding?

A woman in her mid-thirties is grappling with the consequences of her husband’s pre-wedding jitters. Discovering that he had run away on the morning of their nuptials, only to be persuaded to come back by his father, has left her feeling wounded and estranged from the recollection of that day.

She gave away her wedding gown and discarded a wedding photograph, acts that have generated conflict with her spouse, as part of her effort to progress. She is now requesting guidance on how to convey her need to avoid wedding reminders without causing him any more pain.

‘ My (35f) husband (34m) is upset I donated my wedding dress? How to tell him I don’t want to be reminded of our wedding?’

Some time back, I learned that my spouse had a case of nerves on our wedding day. We’ve been together as husband and wife for 9 years, were a couple for 12 years before that, and I believed those were good times. My father-in-law, in a state of inebriation, confessed that my husband took off the morning of the wedding with the assistance of his buddies.

My father-in-law found out about it, pulled him back, and insisted that he either marry me or inform me that he didn’t want to, but not to abandon me at the altar. He opted for marriage. I was completely unaware of this. My wedding day was truly remarkable. I felt radiant and incredibly joyful.

He was a little drunk, I was aware, but he told me it was only anxiety. I went completely cold. I spoke to family members, and then to him. He confessed he ran because he was scared of what might happen. He didn’t want to go through with the wedding, but he also didn’t want to humiliate me.

We have a framed photo from our wedding day, taken before the vows. I now understand that a matching picture of my husband doesn’t exist because he had already gone. My wedding gown still hangs in the wardrobe. The wedding remains one of the rare occasions I felt attractive. I’m less striking than those he dated previously, but being in love made me radiant.

I now view her as an inexperienced woman. I pass our wedding photo on a daily basis and reflect on it. Whenever I go to my closet, I see my wedding gown in its protected garment bag. I attempted to conceal these items, but I was constantly reminded of it.

I wanted to forget, so I discarded the photograph. I gave my wedding gown away; I hope it makes some other woman feel stunning on her special day. That thought makes me happy.

My spouse noticed the framed photo had vanished. I confessed to discarding it and giving away the bridal gown. He became totally unresponsive. How can I communicate to him again that I wish to eliminate all mementos of the wedding? I trust some future wife will find joy in the dress.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Outside-Ad-1677 −  I don’t think this is about the dress. This is about the fact you believe your marriage is built on a lie because he fled and thus everything subsequent is tainted.

A neutral mediator is needed to help you both sort through these intense and legitimate emotions. Consider marriage counseling or therapy to either restore trust within the relationship or determine whether separation is the best course of action.

Tamika_Olivia −  I think this is bigger than pictures and dresses. I think this is bigger than the wedding. Those are distractions from the bigger issue: your marriage. I think you need to reckon with how this information impacts how you feel about being married to him.

That’s too overwhelming and frightening, so you’re concentrating on these alternative aspects. You must have realized discarding the photo and giving away the gown would probably wound him. Perhaps that was intentional, or perhaps not. But it couldn’t have been something you didn’t think about. You and your spouse should have a meaningful discussion regarding your relationship.

actualchristmastree −  “I feel unwanted and hurt now that I know you left on our wedding day. I do not want to remember that day and I don’t know what to do going forward “

SpiderByt3s −  How was your marriage before all this came to light?

Brave_anonymous1 −  Directly. Tell him what you wrote here: you don’t want any reminders about your wedding day around. It was one of the best days in your life so you cherished the photo and the dress. Now all they remind you of is that he fled and didn’t want to marry you. It hurts.

You disposed of them? Or perhaps just allow him to view the message. My deepest sympathies. His actions were truly unkind and demonstrated a lack of courage. Both of you should consider couples counseling, or at a minimum, you should seek individual therapy to gain clarity on how to handle this situation. Otherwise, it will consume you.

z-eldapin −  This is WAAAY bigger than reddit.

[Reddit User] −  He completely shut down? What did he expect. Does he not think you would be affected by this. Does he not see how you would think the last 9 years of your life have been lie? Like did he think you would just be like omg funny story and move past it.

He’s out of line for being angry and should be groveling and attempting to make amends. I’d recommend therapy for couples, as this is difficult. I’m not sure I could get over this. Everyone was aware except you, and no one spoke up for years. What other lies has he told you? I’m sorry you were subjected to this.

Ecstatic-Buzz −  Tell him the truth. He was allowed to have cold feet and you’re allowed to dislike the memory of it. I can’t imagine he would tell you otherwise considering his own behavior.

bob_apathy −  Tell him what you found out hurt you deeply and you are doing your best but seeing that picture every f**king day was like salt in a wound.
We do things sometimes when we hurt.

The evening my separation was official, I set fire to all her gifts and a bunch of photos. My wedding band went into a LARGE BODY OF WATER. However, that didn’t work for me, and I doubt it will work for you, seeing as you were already unconfident. Avoid letting your pain take over; it’s a horrible road to travel.

Commercial-Net810 −  You need individual therapy and marriage counseling.