There are 2 men in my (32f) work life that have continued to unknowingly cause rifts in my relationship with my boyfriend (32m). I think the issues he has with these men are absurd or unreasonable. How do I get him to see that?

A 32-year-old female restaurant general manager is looking for guidance on managing her 32-year-old boyfriend’s feelings of insecurity related to her work and friendships with two male coworkers.

Even though she’s tried to reassure him and clear up any confusion, her boyfriend is still bothered by things she thinks are innocent. Her explanation is detailed below.

‘ There are 2 men in my (32f) work life that have continued to unknowingly cause rifts in my relationship with my boyfriend (32m). I think the issues he has with these men are absurd or unreasonable. How do I get him to see that?’

As the general manager of a restaurant, I, along with my executive chef and our beverage director, Hank, were appointed to lead the establishment. It’s been a year since we opened, and launching a high-end restaurant has proven to be an exceptionally challenging, nerve-wracking, and emotionally taxing endeavor.

Hank, my beverage director, and I have been acquainted and close for a decade. We have an excellent team working in the dining room, and we’ve all evolved from simply being colleagues to becoming companions who intentionally spend time together even when we’re not on the clock.

Situation 1: My boyfriend takes issue with one of my bartenders (m26). We’ll call him Steven. It started one day when I told my staff I had to make a store run. The staff were chatting about fav snacks. One said “ooo pretty please can you bring us back some cheetos?” Another requested pickles. Steven begged for reeses cups.

I did come back from my journey carrying all three things, and everyone was happy and excited. When Steven noticed the Reese’s in my hand, he was overjoyed and jokingly dropped to one knee, exclaiming, “Oh my gosh, you brought Reese’s, will you marry me!” We all started laughing at his response, snacks were distributed, and we got back to work.

My boyfriend stopped by my job like he usually does (my colleagues are very familiar with him now because he’s a frequent visitor). One of the servers mentioned the treats to him and jokingly added, “She even received a marriage offer for them!” That evening, my boyfriend interrogated me about it at length and felt insulted by the remark.

His rationale is that he intends to propose to me in the future, viewing it as a deeply meaningful event. Therefore, he considers it inappropriate for another man to propose, especially knowing I am already committed. I was taken aback by his response, and despite my repeated assurances that it was obviously a jest, he remains convinced that the act was offensive and showed a lack of respect.

He currently lacks any faith in Steven and apparently believes Steven is enamored with me (which is completely untrue). Steven’s cousin once entered and started a dialogue with me, even inquiring of Steven whether he ought to pursue a date with me. Upon approaching them at that instant, Steven’s initial inquiry to me was, “Do you even date Black men?”

I chuckled when the question caught me off guard, and he laughed, explaining, “My cousin wanted to make a move on you. I told him I wasn’t sure if you were into Black guys, and that you were already taken anyway.” My boyfriend suspects that Steven (who is Black) was actually inquiring for his own interest.

I’ve pointed out to my boyfriend that his feelings are unreasonable given the circumstances, but he continues to feel slighted. I find it preposterous and without reason. We’ve rehashed the same arguments repeatedly, for extended periods, and neither of us is swayed. How can I help him overcome these feelings?

Situation 2: My boyfriend is not comfortable with my friendship with Hank, who is the beverage director where I work. I’ve known Hank and his wife for a decade, ever since we were colleagues at a restaurant. They have two kids, and I’ve visited their house on a few occasions for events like birthdays and a baby shower.

We’ve all discussed having dinner as couples (Hank and his wife, along with my boyfriend and me), and Hank adores my boyfriend, consistently speaking highly of him. Hank and his wife tied the knot this year and share a strong, affectionate, and fulfilling relationship.

Hank and I have become like family over the years, particularly as we navigated the challenging launch of a new restaurant, solidifying our friendship. Hank is an emotionally intelligent and warm individual who prefers embracing someone rather than a simple handshake once he is acquainted with them.

The first problem I encountered with my boyfriend occurred on New Year’s Eve. Following a demanding few weeks and months since the opening, Hank, the chef, and myself managed to host a successful event at the restaurant. We all celebrated midnight with our loved ones.

Hank kissed his wife, then shared a hug with me, showering me with three affectionate forehead kisses before embracing and toasting his bartenders. My boyfriend feels this is wrong, believing that since he’s my boyfriend, he should be the only one kissing me, unless it’s family.

His perception remains unchanged despite my repeated assurances that Hank and I share a familial bond. Yesterday, my boyfriend and I encountered Hank and his family at a Christmas gathering. Hank greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek before turning to my boyfriend, who extended his hand for a handshake.

Hank greeted him with an enthusiastic embrace. Later, my boyfriend inquired, “Did I hear Hank give you a peck on the cheek before?” He is now saying I should understand that this action bothers him.

I told him he was being ridiculous and, while I value his emotions, these specific feelings are not logical and I don’t believe I should cater to his anxieties when they’re damaging and without any real danger to us.

I’m weary of these drawn-out debates and disagreements on these topics. How can I get him to move on? Should I be modifying how I act?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Witty-Stock-4913 −  I see the comments here are that you owe it to your boyfriend to make him feel secure, and I’m going to go ahead and disagree on that. You are not responsible for his feelings. If he’s still lecturing you because someone jokingly proposed to you, he’s a loon who needs to find someone with matching insecurities to date.

To address your inquiry, there is absolutely no action you can take to make him cease this behavior. Cease reinforcing his justifications, inform him that you will no longer participate in this discussion, and if he continues to attempt to control your relationships, you will seek out a partner who possesses greater self-assurance and confidence in your connection.

RedneckDebutante −  Your boyfriend is massively insecure, jealous and possessive. That’s a him problem. I’d end the relationship as you’re not compatible and he won’t be happy until you become someone else. He needs a different kind of partner, one who doesn’t have such close friendships with men.

KrofftSurvivor −  How long have you been dating this man? He doesn’t seem to have any respect for you, nor for your friendships.
Unfortunately, these types of behaviors usually accompany the individual doing these things themselves behind your back…

Hopefully, your situation differs, but such actions remain childish and inappropriate. You should consider if you’re willing to tolerate this long-term, as significant change is improbable.

GypsyBookGeek −  “How do I get him to let go? “ You don’t. You cannot make someone change their behavior or mindset. It is a choice your boyfriend makes (or doesn’t). “Am I supposed to be changing my behavior?” Nope. Unless you’ve left out some information, I see nothing wrong with your behavior.

Fundamentally, you and your partner are not a good fit. Disputes will constantly arise due to his perception of others vying for your attention. Currently, it’s Hank and Steven, but in the future, it could be anyone from the postal worker to the friendly cashier or barista.

caspin22 −  Please do not marry this guy. This behavior will only get worse, not better. I’m in therapy at age 52, finally undoing 9 years of trauma from age 30-39 caused by a man just like this,

I’m in the process of realizing that I’m allowed to maintain eye contact in public, rather than feeling obligated to stare at the ground to avoid being seen as flirtatious or provocative simply for looking at someone.

madfoot −  He’s being absolutely ridiculous. A proposal is sacred?! This gives me so much ick.

WeeklyConversation8 −  He’s very insecure. He needs therapy not a relationship. Break up with him. 

Opening_Track_1227 −  Your bf is exhausting, you will not get him to let go because this how he is and he is looking for reasons to not like these dudes. You’ve known Hank longer than you’ve known your bf,

I’d cease the disputes about Hank, and by extension, any other man he takes exception to, and firmly state your boundaries. Should he once again become upset over Hank, end the relationship.

FalseAd4246 −  Nothing wrong with Hank but I could absolutely see why he’d be uncomfortable with Steven, he straight asked you if you would consider dating a black man (not sure I buy that he was asking for his cousin either)

That kind of discussion is out of place in a professional setting. I wouldn’t want to be told that two men were flirting with my girlfriend at her job.

GingerMarquis −  Hank sounds friendly. Steven sounds like he’s looking for a chance. The proposal was funny but without other context the second question sounds like Steven was feeling you out. Both of these assessments aside, your boyfriend’s insecurities are not your responsibility.

You have the option of discussing his needs and desires with him. Alternatively, you may conclude that his limitations are unjust or detrimental to your career. It all boils down to your emotions. And I’m willing to bet Steven is attracted to you. Whether that’s positive or negative depends on you and your perspective on workplace relationships. Edit: I confused the names.

Navigating the intersection of a serious relationship and close work friendships can be tricky when jealousy surfaces. What strategies would you employ to handle such sensitivities while protecting both your personal independence and workplace bonds? Let’s hear your ideas!