AITA for banning my father from my home because he banned me from his when I was younger?

A user on Reddit shares a difficult past with their dad, starting at age 15 when he wedded a woman the Redditor disliked. The dad then forbade them from entering his house, and they ceased visits according to the agreed-upon visitation plan.

Time passed, and the father tried to rebuild their relationship. However, the Redditor stayed detached. Now a grown-up with their own family, the Redditor maintains a gap, and only sees their father infrequently in the park.

When his dad questioned why he hadn’t been asked to visit, the Redditor gave an honest reply, stating the reasons. This made the dad angry, and now the Redditor is questioning whether they were wrong in not letting him in. The whole story is available below.

‘ AITA for banning my father from my home because he banned me from his when I was younger?’

At 15, my dad wedded someone I simply couldn’t tolerate. Her daughter and I clashed significantly, too. Ultimately, the arguments escalated to the point where my father declared he would utilize his parental rights at my grandparents’ residence, which essentially prohibited me from entering his house.

I declined his offer to reconcile and adhered to the visitation plan. Although he tried to mend things between us, I wasn’t receptive. We encountered each other at family gatherings and maintained a cordial, but distant, relationship.

Time has passed, thirteen years to be exact, and I am now a wife and mother to a one-year-old child. His wife died in an accident some years back, and I imagine he is feeling alone. However, I have no desire to be a fallback option for him.

He visits my son monthly, and my interactions with him are limited to park encounters. Last December, he directly questioned why I hadn’t extended dinner invitations or accepted his visits. I responded honestly, which greatly upset him, but that’s how things are. Am I in the wrong?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

pppedro15 −  NTA people keep expecting us sons and daughters to be the bigger person and try to fix the s**ew ups our parents did to our relations, which is something I do not believe is fair. Your actions are direct consequence of his, and it’s his problem to understand and make peace with that.

skd977 −  NTA – he chose his wife and stepdaughter over you. He deserves to know how that hurt you.

evj_831 −  Nta. You reap what you sow. He can never take back his choice but maybe you can if you feel like it.

Ciecie33 −  NTA – He asked, you told him (assuming this was all done civilly). You are certainly being very adult and a very good parent by letting him have a relationship with your son. Good for you.

It’s your call if you eventually choose to pursue a friendly connection with him. You could think about asking for a chance to talk, where you can explain the impact of your father prioritizing his new wife and stepdaughter 13 years earlier, along with all the resulting distressing feelings.

That the prospect of seeing your grandparents made you feel alienated, among other things. A thorough discussion filled with numerous “I felt…” statements. Then, perhaps, he would grasp the reasons behind your current behavior.

Same here. Someone suggested I shouldn’t miss the chance to express myself, because one day the parent will be gone and that chance will be lost forever. I expressed all my feelings, unloaded everything. It felt good. (It didn’t improve the relationship.) edit: Thank you for the many awards, generous Redditors!

sesquepedalian_cat −  I think this one is a mixed bag and you’re both at fault a little. You wrote “Eventually, the fighting got so bad that my father told me that he would exercise his custody at my grandparents house instead, effectively banning me from his own home.”

Given your description, was allowing the conflict to persist the better option? From your account, it seems the altercations were, to some degree, your responsibility, stemming from a strained relationship with your stepmother. While not passing judgment—teen years are challenging—it’s worth noting that he didn’t outright prohibit you from his residence. Although the outcome felt like an exile, his request to meet outside the home was aimed at preventing further intense disputes.

That sounds fair. You’re the one who subsequently declined to meet with him. (Perhaps you’re omitting certain specifics?) Additionally, regarding “He did try to salvage our relationship, but I wasn’t keen,” I’m curious to learn more about his efforts and the reasons for their failure.

From your description, it appears you were primarily the one rejecting him. (Additionally, I’m aware that OPs typically present their perspective, but you haven’t provided significant instances of seriously problematic actions on his side.)

Original Poster Beware: A multitude of instances exist within this subreddit where harmful individuals exploit various Original Posters. It is indeed justifiable for numerous individuals to sever ties with their detrimental family members. Nevertheless, I hold a differing viewpoint from many other commenters in this instance, as I do not perceive your father to be such a harmful individual.

If you’re unwilling to meet with him, that’s your decision, and you shouldn’t feel pressured. However, if you’re simply retaliating with a “ban,” consider what you believe he should have done differently during your intense arguments with your stepmother and stepsister. Should he have allowed that situation to persist? Wouldn’t allowing it to continue have been a worse outcome? Why were you opposed to having visitation with him at a different location?

cara180455 −  INFO: When I was 15, my father married a woman I just could not get along with. And there was a lot of friction with her daughter as well. Why couldn’t you get along with her? What was causing the friction between you and her daughter?

The altercations escalated to such an extent that my father informed me he would be utilizing his visitation rights at my grandparents’ residence. Who initiated the conflicts? What was the cause of the animosity? Lacking a more comprehensive understanding, I am unable to offer an informed opinion.

Throwaway48382838 −  NTA. your dad put his new family before you until his wife died if she was still alive he’d still be a deadbeat. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this and I hope you find your peace and healing.

in-a-sense-lost −  NTA and I’m sorry he did that to you. I’m going to share a personal experience not because it’s the same but because I think it might clarify your situation and maybe bring you comfort in your decision, if not his.

As a child, my dad remarried a woman who probably wouldn’t have married him if she’d known he would request more visitation after having a wife. She had already abandoned each of her three kids with whoever was available while seeking another provider, so… yeah.

I spent my childhood increasingly in their company (my mother’s nurturing qualities extended only to childbirth), and I was pained by his seeming disinterest in who I was as a person and in my emotional life. I observed him fawning over her, indulging her, willing to go to great lengths to prevent her unhappiness, yet my actual *needs* were treated as bothersome and were best left unaddressed.

I erred once by questioning why he elevated someone above his sole offspring, to which he replied: “She’s my WIFE. Our life together is permanent. You will mature and marry, but SHE will remain my constant companion. You’ll grasp this when you establish your own family.”

It’s impossible for me to know if your dad ever said this to you, but it seems like that’s definitely what he believed. Now that you’re an adult with a partner and kid, I hope you realize how incorrect that idea is. He’s now alone, despite his intentions, without the woman he picked and took care of. This isn’t your responsibility. He made his decision, so you should safeguard your own family.

radleynope −  ESH, but mostly you. It seems like you played your fair part in making your home life horrible for everyone, which you have never acknowledged. It sucks you had to go live with your grandparents, but it seems like it wound up being the best solution for everyone, and sort of like you didn’t leave him with any choice.

You don’t bargain with those who use terror, even if the perpetrator is your own child. He’d despise you if you destroyed his marital bond, whether by alienating his partner or persuading him to abandon her for the sake of your acrimonious, disagreeable adolescent, just as you would feel resentment and animosity toward anyone who did such a thing to your present relationship.

You’re the reason he couldn’t visit you consistently when he was younger, and you turned down his repeated offers to make amends. Had you not done so, there’s a good chance he would have asked you to come over again soon, and maybe you could have even ended up moving back in. It seems like you created this situation yourself, and seeking professional help would be beneficial.

Leigho7 −  How is everyone voting NTA without having any idea what happened with OP and his stepmother/stepsibling. There’s an assumption here that they were in the wrong and OP’s dad kicked him out for no reason. For all we know, it could have been OP making this a bad situation. Apparently OP’s dad made attempts to fix their relationship.

It was wrong to send them to the grandparents just because of the original poster’s issues, but a lot of information is missing from this story. The original poster doesn’t have to keep their dad in their life, but I’m not sure if he’s entirely to blame.

Do you believe the Redditor ought to have strived harder to rebuild a relationship with their dad, or were they justified in maintaining their personal limits? What would be your approach in a comparable circumstance? Let us know what you think!