AITA for taking my daughter to get her hair cut when I knew it would upset my wife?

A user on Reddit recounts a disagreement with his spouse regarding their daughter’s haircut. Anna, their daughter, has voluminous, blonde, curly hair that the wife loves and dedicates considerable time to maintaining. However, Anna has consistently disliked having her hair styled and has been wanting a shorter haircut for some time.

The user on Reddit, facing a wife who wouldn’t listen to their daughter’s wishes, went ahead and took Anna to get the haircut she wanted. Anna opted for a close-cropped cut, and was overjoyed with the result. However, the wife was furious, retreated to her room, and then left. The Redditor is now anxious about the consequences and questioning whether they acted wrongly.

‘ AITA for taking my daughter to get her hair cut when I knew it would upset my wife?’

I’m a 29-year-old male, and my wife, 30, have an 8-year-old daughter I’m going to call Anna. Anna has very full, blonde, curly hair that my wife absolutely loves. Ever since she was little, my wife would spend hours on Anna’s hair every day, braiding, straightening, and styling it in every way imaginable.

Our bathroom storage is consistently jam-packed with various hair treatments, serums, conditioners, and other upscale items with unfamiliar names. Therefore, it’s reasonable to conclude that my wife is somewhat preoccupied with hair care. Anna, on the other hand, has never enjoyed styling her hair or any activity requiring prolonged stillness.

Her hair was once very long, going beyond her waist. While it was beautiful, she disliked brushing it, which led to daily morning arguments with my wife. Recently, she had been asking for a shorter haircut. My wife would ignore her requests, hoping she would change her mind, but she persisted.

Anna seemed to understand that talking to her mother was pointless, so she began requesting me to drive her instead. Initially, I hesitated due to uncertainty about my wife’s feelings, but I eventually relented after witnessing the child’s immense joy over something as basic as getting a haircut.

I took her to the hair salon yesterday. She enjoyed browsing many magazines and choosing a haircut from the pictures. When she selected a very short buzz cut, I realized my wife would be furious with me. However, it was too late to change anything.

What was I realistically supposed to do? Forbid her from getting the haircut she was so thrilled about just because her mother wouldn’t approve? That was not an option. So, we proceeded with the haircut, and Anna was beaming from ear to ear when it was done.

She paraded around the hair salon, displaying it to all, and asked me to snap numerous photos, a request she usually despises. An older woman at the salon made a rather unpleasant remark, suggesting that Anna’s gender was now indistinguishable, but Anna’s excitement about her hair overshadowed everything else; if she did hear it, she didn’t let it bother her.

That day, however, things deteriorated rapidly after my wife returned from her job. She wouldn’t even glance at Anna, shut herself away in her bedroom where she wept, and then left in the car. It’s been a full day and she still hasn’t returned, which is genuinely starting to concern me.

I was aware that she wouldn’t be thrilled with the new hairstyle, but I didn’t anticipate such a strong negative response. The child is also distressed, and despite my attempts to reassure her, she remains convinced that she is being punished for getting her hair trimmed.

I may be the AH. I am aware of my wife’s strong feelings about Anna’s hair. However, I still believe it is simply hair. Our child is old enough to make her own decisions, and she was very pleased with the haircut, so I don’t believe I made a mistake.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

DigDugDogDun −  NTA, but crying, locking herself away, and driving off are not normal responses, even for someone who is really upset. Is something else going on with your wife?

Pleasant-Koala147 −  This isn’t about Anna’s hair. It’s about her body autonomy. I’ve made a few comments elsewhere, but this situation has been sitting on my mind. What your wife has been doing and is continuing to do is sending the message to Anna that her body is not her own,

and despite her own desires, she should put other people’s feeling about what she does with her body first. Is this really the message you want your daughter learning? Think about the long term implications of learning to give in to other people’s wants about her body.

The fact that Anna struggles to sit still for extended periods is a major concern. How then can her mother make her sit for hours while getting her hair braided? Is she using bribes, manipulation, or dismissing Anna’s emotions? Braiding can be painful if the hair is pulled or braided too tightly.

If Anna is saying the styling is painful, does it cease, or does her mother become annoyed and disregard or reject her? There are numerous troubling behaviors from your wife that require serious attention, but for the moment, ensure Anna understands she acted correctly, her hair looks lovely, and she bears no blame or accountability in this situation. Edit: corrected omission. Edit 2: omitted verdict – NTA

FumiPlays −  Is your wife a freaking Mother Gothel from Tangled? Does she love the child or does she love the hair ffs? NTA, a kid has their right to choose what’s being done with their body.

ExcellentPatience298 −  NTA for taking her. She’s 8 and she should have a say in how she wears her hair. But y t a for doing it behind your wife’s back. Btw your wife needs to seek professional help if this is how she reacts to a haircut.

Aggravating-Plum8147 −  NTA. My mom never let me choose how I got my haircut, I’m now over 40 and still resent her for it. It’s just hair. Your wife is being way over dramatic

existential_chaos −  NTA. It was either you took her to get it cut or she got in the drawer and used the scissors.

Detached09 −  NTA you’re a good parent for listening to your kid. You need to talk to your wife though because her reaction to a haircut is not healthy behavior.

AnnualLife2859 −  NTA. I think it is actually insane that your wife is throwing a fit, and emphasize fit because I feel she is actually extremely childlike based on her reaction you described, over your child getting her hair cut.

This is even more absurd considering that you didn’t impose this on your daughter; it was her own desire. Furthermore, if she eventually dislikes the short haircut, her hair will simply grow back. Regarding another user’s remark, you should definitely discuss your wife’s overblown reaction with her.

NTA. Well done on prioritizing your child’s needs and supporting her self-expression.

Carikos −  NTA, your wife had plenty of time to prepare for this outcome when Anna started asking her for a haircut. You listened to your daughter and helped her get what she needed. This is probably the time for your wife to learn that Anna is her own person and has her own preferences. Please don’t stop advocating for your daughter.

[Reddit User] −  Soft YTA, but not for letting the kid have a haircut she wanted, that part is fine. For not taking the time and effort to sit down with your wife first and talk it out, try and see why she was so attached to the hair, try and get her to see that it’s really the kid’s call, look for a solution. Because this has to be about more than just hair, that is not a normal reaction to a child getting a haircut no matter how much you dislike it.

It will be more difficult to accomplish now. Moreover, it will be even more emotionally taxing for the child, who may now feel forced to pick between control over her own body and her connection with her mother.

Was it appropriate for the Redditor to allow Anna to decide on her haircut, or should they have been more mindful of the wife’s sentiments? What would be your approach if a child desired to make a choice that conflicts with a parent’s wishes? I’m eager to hear your opinions!