My (34f) husband (30m) said I wasn’t attractive enough to cheat on him?

A woman, 34, recounts a highly emotional event involving her spouse (30M). After a benign meeting with a former flame, her husband accessed their LinkedIn correspondence and grew agitated, alleging she was being flirtatious.

His words during their disagreement were cutting; he told her she lacked the “appeal” to be unfaithful. She was stunned by this statement, which was out of character for him. She is now very distressed, unsure of how to handle his statement and actions, and wants to know why he exploded like that.

‘ My (34f) husband (30m) said I wasn’t attractive enough to cheat on him?’

My spouse is strikingly attractive, a fact acknowledged by everyone. While I believe I possess a certain attractiveness, I wouldn’t describe myself as extraordinary. My appearance doesn’t quite reach the level of a top model, but I make the most of my natural attributes. I maintain healthy skin through diligent skincare practices and keep my body in good shape with regular workouts. However, when standing next to my husband, I feel almost unsightly.

My own mother figured my spouse was a closeted homosexual or concealing something shady, due to the disparity in our appearances. It’s the initial observation people make when we go out together. I’ve experienced women flirting with him while I’m standing right there, and been betrayed by two acquaintances who attempted to pursue him without my knowledge.

Even I sometimes wonder what he sees in me. I feel insecure as a result, but my husband consistently tells me he loves me and finds me attractive, and that I shouldn’t pay attention to what others say. Yesterday altered everything. I unexpectedly met a former college boyfriend. We broke up amicably, and it seems he’s become very successful professionally.

I want to switch careers, and I’m skilled in my field. We connected on LinkedIn. Our discussion was entirely professional, and I wouldn’t be concerned if my spouse had overheard it. As soon as I walked in the door, my husband initiated a fight.

He admitted to perusing my LinkedIn message and insisted my former partner was coming on to me. I denied it. My spouse then mocked my ex’s appearance, uttering some of the most heartless remarks I’d ever heard from him. I demanded he cease and declared that we would converse when he wasn’t behaving in such a manner.

He told me that if that man started working with me and I was unfaithful, then he derisively remarked that I wasn’t good-looking enough to cheat on him, or to hold his interest. I couldn’t say anything. He then slammed the bedroom door and kept me out all night. I slept on the couch and found myself in bed when I woke up.

I have a hazy recollection of him rousing me. He was unusually affectionate today and gave me a kiss before heading to his job. I can still replay the events in my head as they unfolded, but it’s as if I was watching them from a distance. I’ve honestly never heard him express himself in that way before.

Ever. I feel so upset and uncomfortable. What do I say to him? How do I just ask him what was he thinking and what possessed him to say the things he did and if he really meant them?

See what others had to share with OP:

bee102019 −  As a therapist who has worked with some couples impacted by infidelity. I’m going to tell you two things. One, there is no pretty privilege when it comes to infidelity. Attractive people get cheated on every day. Unattractive people cheat every day too.

Your husband’s assertion that you aren’t appealing enough for him to be unfaithful and that he’s “safe” due to his own attractiveness is baseless. Furthermore, your husband is familiar with you. He’s aware of your vulnerabilities and how to provoke you. He recognizes your struggles with self-esteem and seized the chance to exploit your sensitivity.

He proceeded to poke at it regardless. A component of marriage involves openly sharing your vulnerabilities with your spouse, and he seized upon that, using it against you without a second thought during a disagreement. In my view, that speaks volumes about a partner.

The damage caused by his thoughtless remarks is significant. You’re now unsure about your connection and also hesitant to express your vulnerabilities to your husband regarding your anxieties in the future.

revbuns −  Mask slipped

Ladymistery −  So…uh… you kinda blew by the whole “he was reading your linkedin while you were out”, what OTHER things is he going through without you knowing? How many times has he gone through your phone? “he ain’t pretty, he just looks that way” You need to have a conversation, and do NOT let him turn it around on you.

If you hadn’t… “you saw your ex…” he’s about to transform into the most affectionate and considerate partner, showering you with tokens of love and performing thoughtful gestures – this is referred to as “love bombing” because he is AWARE he made a mistake. The uncertainty lies in whether he’s manipulating you for future mistreatment or not.

Flashy-Actuary-7821 −  No man who truly loves and cares for you would say something like that to you, especially over something like that. He was jealous, which can be understandable, but took absolutely zero time to listen to your side or even let you give any further explanation.

He was so lovely today, even giving me a kiss before he left for work. He’s really on top of his game and succeeding. I hope you meet someone who values you for who you are and sees your beauty like your friends see his. Edited to include:

He’s a grown man of thirty, yet he behaves like a teenage boy upset that his girlfriend wore leggings to school. His jealousy and insecurity lead him to make her feel even worse. Is that truly the kind of person you want to share your life with? The fact that something hasn’t occurred previously doesn’t guarantee it won’t happen in the future, or even become more prevalent.

Should you permit him to exhibit disrespect unchecked, even on a single occasion, he will likely continue to abuse his position, understanding that your response will be limited to verbal reprimands. Consequently, your existence could potentially transform into a personal ordeal under his control.

grilledcheezntomato −  I think you know deep down the answer to your question, and nothing he could say would explain away the truth. Regardless of what he has said before, he has deep rooted feelings that he is more attractive and “better” than you.

I would find it impossible to be emotionally open and experience love if my husband were to say something like that to me. He ought to perceive you as a prize and the most wonderful event in his life. Certain statements are simply impossible to retract.

Prudent_Present9640 −  Wow. So this is out of character for him? My most generous interpretation here is that he was jealous and, perhaps because he’s so attractive, is not used to that feeling and acted insane and cruel because he didn’t know how to manage that emotion.

That doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it could mean the situation is salvageable. Another way to view it is that your husband is domineering and hurtful — or is beginning to show those tendencies — and this was a more obvious display of it. If you’ve noticed any other domineering, hurtful, or conniving actions,

You should leave that situation the moment you have the opportunity. Alternatively, perhaps he is suffering from a brain tumor, experienced an unusual drug reaction, or some other unknown factor. However, it’s essential to carefully assess if this behavior suggests a recurring trend.

Discuss the matter with him to hear his perspective, and evaluate whether his explanation and subsequent apology are sufficient for you. While this event is just one instance in your relationship history, it has certainly put me on alert.

FIRE_flying −  Maya Angelo’s famous quote is famous for a reason. Have a long think if this is something you’re willing to put up with being thought about you by someone who promised to cherish you.

Ducky_andme −  If the person who promised to love me until the end of my days said this to me and locked me out of the room for the night the next word from me he’d hear would be from a divorce lawyer. And you need therapy to work on your self steem because no person in their right mind would put up with a partner being verbally a**sive like this.. idc how upset he was.

Ok-Commercial1152 −  He read through your messages then berated you within one minute of coming home? Did he read them before you got home? That’s crazy.