AITA for dismissing my rude teen daughter’s feelings?’

A 45-year-old mother on Reddit is struggling with her 18-year-old daughter’s disrespectful conduct after the recent passing of her aunt, who had a terminal illness. The mother feels annoyed by her daughter’s apparently apathetic demeanor and her spoiled whining regarding family gatherings during this period of mourning.

The daughter, while generally mature, has become withdrawn and displays animosity towards her family being in the house. The user is wondering if they are wrong to disregard their daughter’s emotions and expect her to be more thoughtful given the difficult circumstances the family is facing.

Examine the narrative provided to grasp the interpersonal relationships within this emotionally charged family setting.

‘ AITA for dismissing my rude teen daughter’s feelings?’

Hi, am I out of line? I’m F45, and my daughter is 18. Recently, my terminally ill aunt died a week after summer break started. (After a few months of her quick deterioration and just a few days of being in hospice because she had no response to treatment.)My daughter has always been a closed off, reserved person.

However, she’s a little immature when she doesn’t get what she wants, and is very snide and in your face sometimes during those occasions. When my aunt died, my sister came over and has been here ever since, for about four weeks now, when we arranged the funeral and reception.

My child didn’t shed a tear or appear distressed in any way, despite the fact that she would occasionally care for her great-aunt when her great-uncle had appointments, given that she was confined to her bed, entirely paralyzed, and unable to talk. You would anticipate some kind of response, wouldn’t you? But she displayed none.

She often kept her distance from her great-aunt and never brought her up in conversation with me. Because of this, I figured she was simply indifferent, like many kids, and didn’t push the issue. But ever since her aunt and her three little ones arrived for a visit, she’s been acting out, griping about tidying up after them because they’re so indulged.

She acts this way each time they visit, as my sister has poor hygiene, and she and her kids have been infested with lice for a long time. She kept silent because my aunt is in mourning, opting to spend the entire day isolated in her room, claiming to feel “suffocated” and “disgusted.”

They constantly inquire about their departure date. I grasp her sentiment, as I too dislike the way my sister and her children fill my house and neglect to tidy up. Nevertheless, they are family, and we are mourning, regardless of her feelings.

She resented the gathering, declining to assist the attendees (relatives and close acquaintances) and appearing irritated when I prompted her, stating she simply desired to “sit.” It caused me considerable humiliation. Her only task was to distribute beverages.

I advised her to be gentle, considering they are family and her aunt is mourning, but she, acting childishly, glared at me and expressed feeling confined in the house, longing for her own space, before retreating to her room, even when I invite her to come down and be with me.

She is generally a pleasant child, highly intelligent, perceptive, and emotionally developed. However, for the last few weeks, she has been acting out and isolating herself to a greater degree than normal, especially when her aunt is present. Is it appropriate for me to disregard her behavior and “emotions”?

It appears that she has undergone a negative transformation lately. Even if she is indifferent to the death of her great-aunt, who cared for her before becoming ill and has known her since childhood, she should still consider her aunt’s well-being.

I must say, I’m rather irritated. My mom suggested I simply give her space, but she really needs to be more considerate.

Check out how the community responded:

Buttersgood −  YTA – It isn’t your daughter’s job to be an unpaid maid to a family so unhygienic they carry lice. That is absolutely repulsive and places your entire household at risk—and obviously it isn’t just their “grief” if this is how they live.

I wouldn’t wish to be near that degree of mental instability or neglect; have you ever attempted to tidy up after them, only to contract lice and discover how unpleasant it is? Furthermore, who actually “enjoys” a post-funeral gathering?

What bizarre, idealized world are you inhabiting? Cease pushing your daughter away without justification, as familial ties don’t pardon your actions. You are the one in the wrong.

Shitsuri −  Hmmmmmm. You don’t think her bad attitude could be related to her great aunt dying? That’s kind of obtuse .Let’s not even address the fact that she’s probably also paranoid she’ll get head lice

ParsimoniousSalad −  YTA. I’m sorry for your loss. BUT Even through just what you’ve written I can tell that your aunt’s passing HAS affected your daughter. Just because she doesn’t grieve in the way you expect her to doesn’t mean she’s cold or uncaring.

Why is it her responsibility to deal with the aftermath of your sister’s unhygienic and chaotic family (I’m merely illustrating, not intending to offend)? Couldn’t you address the issue with your sister regarding her children’s behavior? Why do you think your 18-year-old should be more mature than your sister, who is actually their mother?

I believe your daughter isn’t the one requiring more kindness. EDIT: Additionally, her feeling “stuffy” in the house suggests a potential bodily response to your sister’s family’s poor hygiene, indicating a physical rather than solely emotional reaction.

sheramom4 −  YTA. Your expectations of your daughter are that one, she would be a caregiver for a dying woman. Two, that she will now act as a maid and nanny for your sister’s unhygienic and spoiled children. Three, that would would serve guests at a funeral reception she was not hosting.

That she’d feign emotions whenever asked, or at least in a way that pleases you. Your sister definitely has needs. Like the need to leave your home with her children. Why has she been living with you for a month, and why haven’t you established some rules for the sake of your teenager?

Malibu921 −  Jesus Christ. Listen, I’m sorry for your loss but YTA. Majorly. Grief isn’t performative. Just because you haven’t seen her cry doesn’t mean she isn’t bothered.
for the past few weeks she’s been more reclusive and bratty than usual,

One might ponder if any recent occurrences could explain her introversion and decreased sociability. It’s more pertinent to ask why you consistently permit your sister, described as “quite an unhygienic person with a longstanding lice infestation affecting her and her children,” to frequently reside in your house, and why you prioritize their well-being over your daughter’s.

No_Scientist7086 −  YTA – you move 4 unhygienic people I to her home and expect her to be a good hostess? Get over yourself.

Mysterious-System680 −  However, since her aunt and her three young children came to stay, she has been very bratty, and complains when she has to clean up after them because they’re quite spoiled. Did your daughter invite your sister and her three kids to stay with you? If not, she shouldn’t have to clean up after them.

If they have lice, they shouldn’t be allowed inside. Visit your sister at her place to mourn together. You’re the one in the wrong.

[Reddit User] −  Edit to add judgment – YTA. Hairstylist here. Lice is NOT a joke! It IS a big deal, your sisters children having lice FOR YEARS is a giant red flag and a sign of outright n**lect of their hygiene to the point that someone should be calling cps(if they go to in person school I’m literally in shock that a teacher or nurse hasn’t done this yet).

HIGHLY INFECTIOUS, and if they have remained in your home for several weeks, it is practically guaranteed that you and your loved ones will also become infected. To have any hope of avoiding infection, you will need to thoroughly disinfect all clothing and bedding that has been in close proximity to them for any significant duration, and have your furniture professionally sanitized.

Your daughter’s isolation in her room is providing her with an advantage, and I understand her revulsion at being compelled to be near individuals who are demonstrably harboring parasites.

Upper_Record4610 −  Gently, YTA. It’s not totally clear why your sister and her kids need to be there right now, but you’ve essentially allowed this chaotic environment in your home during a time of grief. Your daughter’s attitude is her trying to communicate that she’s unhappy with this but doesn’t have the vocabulary or maturity to do so.

You’re wrong to disregard this. You need to show some emotional maturity and have a conversation with her, ideally when your sister and her disruptive influence aren’t present, so your daughter feels secure enough to voice her needs.

Is this the initial significant loss within your family? I wouldn’t dismiss her response as a lack of concern; rather, she might be dealing with it in a way that differs from your own.

Successful_Jury_9952 −  Omg yta. I simply can not understand how u can type that out, read it back to urself and not think ur the a**hole.

The loss of a family member can trigger unforeseen behaviors, particularly in adolescents. What are your opinions? Leave your comments below!