My (26f) husband (28m) is frustrated with me because he thinks I’m not feeding our babies adequately because I had to switch to formula.

A Reddit user who recently had twin daughters is dealing with her husband’s anger because she chose to switch to formula. She attempted breastfeeding, but the infants had trouble feeding, prompting her doctor to suggest formula.

However, her husband disagrees and refuses to help with the night feeds. The user is feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, seeking a compromise with her husband to share the responsibility more equally. Read the original story below:

‘ My (26f) husband (28m) is frustrated with me because he thinks I’m not feeding our babies adequately because I had to switch to formula.’

My spouse and I exchanged vows roughly twelve months prior, following a six-year relationship. Conception occurred rapidly, and approximately a month ago, I delivered twin daughters. Fortunately, neither required extended hospitalization, an uncommon occurrence for twins, and I am overjoyed by their well-being.

I gave birth vaginally, so I avoided a C-section scar, which simplified recovery, even though the delivery itself wasn’t pleasant. After they arrived, everything appeared fine, except they refused to nurse. I’ve put in the effort, believe me.

I consulted with every one of my physicians and followed their directions to the letter, but it’s ineffective and unpleasant. Both of my children dislike it, and I’m not sure I’m making enough for them because they get hungry quickly after eating and start crying.

I’ve exhausted every possible solution, yet success remains elusive; they will likely decline or lack the necessary resources. I confided in my husband that I’ve reached my limit, to which he suggested consulting my doctors, dismissing it as a temporary state. Ultimately, when driven by sufficient hunger, they will eat, reverting to their established pattern.

It’s much better for their well-being to nourish them directly, and we shouldn’t change course simply due to choosiness. He shares the responsibility of caring for our little ones equally with me during the day, but I’ve been the one waking up each night to offer them food when they express hunger, yet it’s proving unsuccessful.

I finally informed my physician that I had exhausted all options, but they simply refused to eat. The doctor examined both infants for any underlying issues, but found none. Consequently, she advised me to switch to formula.

I’ve put in my best effort, and at this stage, using formula is the superior option. It ensures they receive sufficient nourishment and experience fewer nighttime awakenings. I communicated to my husband the doctor’s advice, emphasizing the necessity of transitioning to formula. The babies’ frequent hunger could have long-term consequences, potentially impacting their development, which I’m eager to avoid.

He didn’t concur, but the infants were beginning to weep once more and still didn’t want to nurse, so I contacted my physician regarding all that I would require and what I would have to do. I acquired those items, and they actually ate and slept considerably better during the night. One of them remained a bit irritable, but after receiving some, she improved significantly and finished the entire bottle.

It was a great comfort to finally get some rest, and since I started using formula, the babies have been much more content for the past few days. However, I wasn’t feeling well, so I asked my husband if he could handle one feeding so I could sleep through the night. He’s still on parental leave, so his job wouldn’t be affected.

He claimed I went against his wishes without consulting him or reaching a consensus, so I’m still obligated to provide for them. It bothers me that he’s using this against me when I did my utmost to get them to breastfeed. They simply refuse, despite my best efforts.

It’s illogical to make them endure hunger when formula is available, and they are both considerably more content as a result. I confided in my mother, who will be visiting the babies with my father shortly, and mentioned how exhausted I felt.

She mentioned her availability to assist after visiting them with the infants and their nighttime feedings. However, I am currently overwhelmed with exhaustion and discomfort, and I long for my husband’s immediate support. Yet, he dismissed it as an unnecessary expense, insisting I should nourish them in a conventional manner, as nature intended.

It’s disheartening because I’ve put in a lot of effort to make it happen, but I’m unable to. They are also his children, and it would be a great relief if he could occasionally take care of their nighttime feedings, even if it were only once a week. I realize other women have experienced significantly more challenging situations, and what I’m going through isn’t that overwhelming, but it truly is a significant burden.

I just long for a full night’s rest, instead of constantly being awake. I realize I’m fortunate, but it’s incredibly challenging and becoming overwhelming. I’m struggling to find a middle ground regarding nighttime feedings, and it’s creating difficulties.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Suspicious_Egg_1516 −  OB nurse here. Your husband is being unreasonable, controlling, and m**ipulative. He is punishing you for making a decision that actually *is* yours to unilaterally make because breastfeeding is YOUR BODY. His input is secondary on this.

The breasts, nipples being suckled, and mammary glands not producing enough milk aren’t his (which is a frequent issue with twins!). Infant formula isn’t a hazardous material that contaminates babies. It’s a crucial substitute in circumstances similar to yours.

The main issue is your husband, instead of backing you up during what is clearly a challenging but essential choice, is exploiting the circumstances to dodge co-parenting responsibilities AND fault you! Does he act like a huge jerk in other aspects of your marriage or daily life?

It’s difficult for me to accept that a person so terrible could be virtuous in other ways. While you’re feeding the babies, I suggest downloading a free PDF copy of “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft and reading it. Your spouse is either experiencing a temporary mental breakdown or is emotionally abusive.

[Reddit User] −  So you are the only one responsible for two entire newborns all night long?? And he’s on leave from work? And your body is still recovering from growing and birthing two entire babies?? I have to wonder if you weren’t producing because you’re incredibly exhausted and stressed. How much sleep could you possibly be getting, a couple hours per night at best?

sportdickingsgoods −  Your husband is absolutely terrible. He’s being a s**tty parent and an a**mination of a partner. You have nothing to feel guilty or upset about, and your feelings are totally valid – you should not diminish them by saying other women have it worse. Fed is best, and you’re doing what you have to do to help your babies thrive.

He obviously hasn’t looked into how complicated breastfeeding is or how feeding affects kids’ development. I have no idea where your family is, but if it were me, I would take the kids and stay with them while you heal. Your husband clearly doesn’t care about helping you recover from carrying and giving birth to his children.

He doesn’t seem to be very interested in his kids either, since he’s not worried about how they’re developing or trying to connect with them during feedings. Ultimately, you’re not on his mind, so you need to focus on yourself. Carefully consider the best course of action to navigate this crucial period with your new babies, and then take that action. He will be fine.

floppybunny86 −  “But he said that I chose *to go against him* without a proper conversation or agreement and so I should be responsible for feeding them still”. I am furious just reading this for you! Your husband is being a controlling, condescending, m**ipulative & a**sive AH. WTAF is wrong with him?

FED is the best way to go. Whether that involves nursing or formula, it’s not important. What is important is that your children are FED. Your husband’s behavior is unacceptable and he needs to learn more about this topic. What is your relationship like with your parents? Could you potentially confide in them about the situation and see if you could stay with them for a few days to receive some support? If possible, you should do it.

Why don’t you directly question your husband about his reasons for wanting to deprive his daughters of food? What makes him so opposed to them being nourished? Why is he intent on tormenting them? Because that is the inevitable consequence of his insistence on breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is not a viable choice given your insufficient milk production, and the girls’ inability to latch and feed properly. What other choices are available?

dog_nurse_5683 −  1. If your husband has decided that his kids are to be breastfed, he’s welcome to try. The only person he can tell to breastfeed is himself, since the only body he has control over is his. If you decide you can’t breastfed for ANY reason, then you are correct. No one has control over your breasts, except you.

Your spouse is not a good dad. His children require nourishment, and using a bottle is the optimal solution. He is a caretaker and it is his job to nourish his children, something he is neglecting. Furthermore, he’s a poor partner. You require assistance. Imagine his reaction if he were attempting to recover and, instead of helping him heal, you were attempting to manipulate him and make his life more difficult.

4. He’s a bad person. You and your doctor are saying this is what is best for you and the babies, but he is so arrogant he knows better? He’s an expert?
Maybe it’s the stress of being a new parent, but I truly hope he straightens up and grovels to you for his bad, bad f*ck ups here.

I sincerely wish you would allow him to peruse this discussion and observe the unfavorable opinions held by many regarding him and his expectations. He must mature and begin to improve as a parent, spouse, and individual.

shyshyone21 −  It kind of sounds like he wants them to breastfeed so he has a reason to be lazy and not have to feed them

OkIntroduction389 −  Woah! Your husband is being an ass. First and foremost, fed is best! With my and my husband’s first I tried so hard to b**ast feed but I just couldn’t produce and baby could not latch. He was so supportive to switch to formula.

I’m currently expecting our second child and have already resolved that, barring an overabundance of milk production, I won’t even attempt breastfeeding this time. Your spouse should be supportive of your children being nourished in the manner that suits them and you optimally. I am truly sorry he is being so obtuse.

Fluffybunz746 −  Leave him. Sincerely, a mother of twins.

NYCStoryteller −  Does he want a divorce? Men who want babies need to be prepared to be involved fathers.. 1. Fed is best.. 2. You need sleep, too.
3. Here’s how nighttime works, especially with twins: YOU BOTH GET UP. You’re either feeding or changing diapers, or prepping bottles.

AgonistPhD −  I keep typing and erasing, because I cannot express strongly enough how arrogant, how audaciously controlling, how utterly l**thsome, your husband is. This f**king guy thinks he knows better than you about your body’s milk production, knows better than pediatricians about the best way to keep babies fed and healthy,

and apparently thinks he is more knowledgeable than specialists in child growth, given that he’s attempting to *train very young babies* by depriving them of nourishment if they don’t nurse the way he expects. Honestly, I despise this individual, and he’s quickly making his way toward you sharing that sentiment. Does he realize how repulsive he’s being? Someone ought to inform him.

It’s often challenging to juggle what your partner wants with what’s good for you, particularly concerning raising children. What strategies do you believe couples can use to reach agreements in these kinds of situations? What methods do you use to divide up duties, especially when one person is unwilling to change a specific method? Let us know what you think in the comments!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/CXtze