My (34F) partner (30M) used to be severely punished until he was 20. It leads to a lot of weird behaviours and I wonder if there’s a way to help him?

A 34-year-old female Reddit user is asking for guidance on supporting her 30-year-old male partner. He appears to be suffering from trauma stemming from a youth filled with harsh penalties and mental mistreatment. His history has resulted in worry, constant remorse, untruthfulness regarding insignificant matters, and a profound dread of error.

These actions have begun to take a toll on their bond, and the user is looking to assist him while motivating him to get expert assistance. She provides instances of his actions, such as a recent event where a flippant remark regarding corporal punishment set off a violent emotional episode. To access the complete story and review the reactions of others, see more below.

‘ My (34F) partner (30M) used to be severely punished until he was 20. It leads to a lot of weird behaviours and I wonder if there’s a way to help him?’

His upbringing involved frequent physical discipline and emotional mistreatment by his parents. Now, he exhibits pervasive fearfulness and occasionally displays unusual conduct, along with numerous maladaptive coping strategies. Having undergone therapy myself, I recognize unhealthy patterns in his actions due to my slightly advanced age.

The intimacy of our connection seems to deeply affect him. For instance, despite my years as an IT expert, he asked me to teach him the fundamentals of Python. Although he’s incredibly intelligent with a mechanical engineering background, coding doesn’t come naturally to him. We began with the basics, and after my explanations, I asked him to write a simple program.

Believe it or not, he toiled away at the computer for approximately six hours, all for a mere ten lines of code. During that time, I ran errands and met a friend for coffee. Upon my return, he offered numerous justifications for concealing the code from me. When I persisted, he confessed that he didn’t comprehend my explanation and couldn’t complete the task.

I looked at him and couldn’t understand his fear in telling me. It was surprising, especially since I viewed it as a chance for mutual learning and enjoyment. He’s constantly apologising – for minor things like spilling water, dropping a pen, or laughing heartily. Eventually, it became irritating because these are everyday occurrences that don’t warrant an apology.

I inquired about the reason, and he explained that his parents constantly subjected him to physical abuse. At the time, I dismissed it. He fabricates minor details, such as claiming he needs fresh air when he goes to a nearby store to buy chips, simply to avoid admitting he’s getting chips.

This situation is incredibly frustrating for me, as the issues are minor and insignificant. When he perceives a “major error,” such as dropping a dish, he visibly trembles with anxiety. His facial expression clearly shows that he is truly afraid of the repercussions. I believe I came to the conclusion that he requires assistance just last weekend.

We were in the kitchen, preparing food as a team, when the salt shaker’s top wasn’t secured properly, causing the entire contents to spill into my stew. The entire pot essentially had to be discarded. It’s unfortunate, but not a catastrophe, at least in my opinion. As I was tidying up, he expressed his apologies, and I playfully responded that I would need to discipline him, which triggered an outburst of tears from him.

user123: Once he regained composure, he confessed that he had been disciplined with spanking for almost any infraction up to the time he turned 20! There are many layers to that. I am acquainted with his parents, and they also tend to be unkind. They are unkind to such a degree that they are unaware of it because it comes so naturally to them. As an example, when we were driving his parents to a gathering with relatives, his father began to find fault with how I was driving.

I’m a seasoned driver, having clocked over 200,000 miles personally since getting my license at 18, so I’m confident in my abilities. After a quarter of an hour, I stopped the car and warned him that if he didn’t quiet down, I would abandon him in the middle of nowhere and he could walk. He seemed genuinely surprised that someone had challenged his nonsense.

So anyway, I am seeking advice what to do. Obviously a professional help but maybe some advice in day to day interactions?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Ok_Cherry_4585 −  Bro needs serious therapy.

ThrashingDancer888 −  He has PTSD from the trauma of his abuse. Please, in the future, do not make jokes about punishing him as you can see, it triggers his trauma. I feel so heartbroken for him. He needs therapy, so he can learn how to live a normal life and see how normal families function.

Please advise him to seek professional help and create space between himself and his relatives. It’s important for him to recognize that he has suffered mistreatment. While everyone encounters challenges stemming from their upbringing that they need to address in therapy, his situation is exceptionally severe. I feel sorry for him.

Creepy_Push8629 −  He needs professional help. And you at the most be low contact with his parents. No contact is even better.

Dairinn −  Why is he still in contact with his abusers? Their presence in his life keeps him a victim. You seem very no-nonsense and can hold your own against those trash people, which is great, but can you see how he has chosen for a partner someone slightly older and more authoritarian than himself.

mymindmaze −  I think you need to tell him directly what you observed, and that you are concerned for him and don’t want him to live in constant anxiety over the smallest mistake. He has a lot to unpack, he is still in denial if he thinks it “did him good”. Ask him if that is what he would do to his child, and maybe he will realise that in fact that behaviour is not ok.

Do you envision having children? If yes, what are his thoughts on how they should be raised? This will be increasingly important if you decide to build a family. Given his background as an engineer, he might be receptive to a logical approach. Provide him with information on the consequences of physical discipline, along with resources for counseling. Ask if he’s open to getting help with scheduling an initial consultation.

I feel bad that he had to experience that. You seem like a wonderful partner. What might benefit you both is if you assure him that you would never do anything to harm him just because he erred. Reassure him that even if you’re angry, you’ll move past it, and your relationship will last. Whenever he commits a minor error, gently remind him of your promise, so he can recognize that no harm came to him.

watsonyrmind −  I don’t really understand why you didn’t take it seriously the first time but now that you are, be more respectful of your boyfriend’s trauma. Never ever make a joke about abuse or physical punishment again. You might benefit from couples’ counselling as well as the counsellor would be able to work together with you on how to help him heal through your relationship dynamic.

That kind of advice is likely beyond what Reddit can offer. I truly believe you should deeply consider why you disregarded it for such a long time, even making a rather cruel joke. You might be unintentionally insensitive in other areas, and you should recognize these tendencies before you upset him again.

If you’re still seeing a therapist, this would be a good topic to explore with them. It’s not unusual for men’s emotions to be dismissed, and it appears you’re experiencing something similar. Your boyfriend requires a partner who is more attuned to his emotions and responses, since he may not always be able to express them directly.

ladypartsmcgee −  This man has CPTSD. He was trapped his whole life in fear responses and now his nervous system is highly dysregulated. Let’s image the capacity for losing your s**t is 100 points. Well for him, I bet something like heard a door shut or footsteps down the hall elevate his heartrate and put him at 50 points already.

His current skillset and understanding aren’t sufficient for him to recover from heightened emotional states. Consequently, he functions with that elevated level as his baseline for the remainder of the day, until an event or comment evokes a traumatic memory, significantly diminishing his emotional capacity. Progress lies in cultivating a deliberate pace and recognizing that his history of trauma has resulted in a compromised nervous system.

Even if he doesn’t acknowledge it as trauma, his instincts and physical being retain the knowledge they possess. I strongly suggest trauma-focused therapy (I’ve typically observed limited success with CBT therapy for CPTSD) and reading or listening to Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, which often provides a crucial realization for many in his circumstances due to its profound accuracy.

Vivid-Access7555 −  Therapist here, your bf sounds like he has what we call complex trauma. This is due to prolonged trauma over the years he was abused. He needs long term therapy such as trauma focused CBT and EMDR . It’s great he has you for support but my advise would be he needs to limit contact with his parents if he doesn’t want to fully cut contact.

You might assist him further by recognizing what provokes him and steering clear of those things, as well as figuring out what helps him remain stable and composed.

procrastinating_b −  Your only like four years older than him why are you talking like your so mature but then you make the spanking joke 😭😭

Quillhunter57 −  I think you are not remotely qualified to help him, he needs a good therapist and he needs to be ready to take that step. It is probably time to sit down with him and talk about your concern for his well-being and offer to help him find a therapist to work with.

Provide reassurance that you’re a confidant, but understand your limitations, and acknowledge that if he doesn’t want to evolve, you might have to separate.