My best friend (30m) is asking me (32m) if I can get tested to donate my kidney to his sister (21f) and I don’t want to. How do I tell him?

He’s struggling with informing his close friend of a decade and a half that he’s unwilling to undergo testing to be a kidney donor for the friend’s sibling, even after being approached along with others in a group message. Although he cherishes their bond, he harbors reservations about donating, given the sister’s past behavior of belittling and disrespecting him.

He aims to refuse politely, ensuring he doesn’t offend or seem to lack support.

‘ My best friend (30m) is asking me (32m) if I can get tested to donate my kidney to his sister (21f) and I don’t want to. How do I tell him? ‘

Having been close to my best friend and his sister for a decade and a half, it pains me to see her kidneys failing because of a long-standing, but vaguely defined, childhood ailment.

She’s been undergoing dialysis for several years, but now it’s imperative that she receive a transplant. My friend messaged four of us, mentioning that there are a couple of openings for compatibility testing. I’m unsure how to respond. I care deeply for him, but I’m not close to his sister. Ever since I was a child, she’s been unpleasant and uninviting towards me.

I had always thought it was innocent, just childhood behavior, but after 15 years, now that she’s in college, she still doesn’t say hello or recognize me when I happen to see her annually. I’ve never spoken to her or been impolite in any way during all this time and have consistently been courteous and considerate to everyone in her family.

sno0sz:
I’ve chalked it up to her shyness, but perhaps by identifying as a “shy kid” for so long, she now feels she has to maintain that persona. Though, I’m not sure, because she can still be unkind. I remember last year when I was picking up her brother for a trip; her parting words to him were “goodbye!”

And farewell to her, whatever her name is! However, I’m still willing to see the best in her. My friend is unaware of any of this, which makes me believe she hasn’t said anything negative about me to him. I care deeply for my friend, and I also care for his sister, even with everything that has happened—the rest of his family has always been wonderful to me—but I’m not willing to make huge sacrifices for her.

Honestly, regardless of my introversion, I perceive it as sacrificing my organ for a child who has purposefully been disrespectful, dismissive, and distant towards me for the past ten years, about whom I am completely ignorant. Considering she is now an adult and continues to treat me as someone she doesn’t know, I wouldn’t be shocked if she resented me as the donor.

I’ll always care deeply for her because she is my best friends sister, and I absolutely hold zero animosity toward a kid being a kid, but it’s a huge commitment to be giving my organ away when I have this many doubts that I am not completely comfortable with. How do I let him know while being sensitive to his situation?.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

trilliumsummer −  In the US you always have the option of going to get tested and when they take you back say something like “I don’t want to get tested nor donate, but I was getting pestered to get tested.” and all that will be said is that you’re not a match. It’s probably like this in many other places too.

W1ldy0uth −  Even if she wasn’t’ rude and you loved her just the same, no one has the right or agency to your organs. And it is completely fine for you to not want to. My friend needs a kidney and she never once asked any of her friends to get tested. Those that wanted to, did so on their own volition.

Icy-Doctor23 −  You don’t have to. You can go to get tested and tell them confidentially that you don’t wish to donate and the staff will not advise them of this

Ok_Bet2898 −  As someone who needs a kidney and is on dialysis, just say “ I’m sorry your sister is going through this but having an operation and giving my kidney is not something I want to do” be honest!

During the evaluation, the physician will inquire about your genuine desire and willingness to undergo the procedure. Any hesitation will result in disqualification. The decision must stem from personal conviction, not from feelings of obligation or external coercion.

Beneficial-Remove693 −  I’m sorry but this is a kidney, not blood or bone marrow or even cutting and donating long hair for a wig for a cancer patient. This is a MAJOR organ donation that involves a risky surgery, recovery time, and a lifetime of monitoring your health to keep your remaining kidney functioning.

This isn’t a universally applicable act. Had you been exceptionally intimate with his sibling, the situation might be different. However, that isn’t the case. Furthermore, you currently have relatives experiencing hardship. Individuals can survive on dialysis for an extended period. While unpleasant, she must await a suitable match.

Emotional_Wedge −  Tell them ok and when you go to the hospital…explain to them you DONT want to do this but there’s pressure and you don’t want to upset anyone. They will give you a negative match no questions asked.. No one can force you.

Secret_Double_9239 −  Say you will get tested then explain the situation to the doctors and they will say you weren’t a match.

Economy_Rutabaga9450 −  Life with one kidney can be really hard, especially as you get older. Kidney function reduces with age. And many meds/ family diseases such as diabetes, cancer, impact kidney function. Check out family medical history before you even consider testing.

ubottles65 −  “No.”

Ohmigoshness −  Just let them know, “I’m sorry but I cannot do this, incase my parents or siblings need one, but I can post things for you or help you find people” offer a solution at least like a small gesture of help and I’m sure you posting it online or sharing isn’t bad, it’ll help a lot.