I (27F) have romantic and confused feelings for my coworker (30F). We have more or less been living together since COVID started and she is openly gay. I don’t know if i am, and i am terrified i will lose my only friend if i mess this up.
A woman who had been grappling with romantic emotions for a colleague finally shared her inner turmoil and attraction. She came to the conclusion that she may be having feelings for her workmate, Laura, who is openly lesbian. After some introspection and motivation from Reddit users, she told Laura how she felt, and they kissed.
Laura, however, prefers a more measured approach, advising her to thoughtfully evaluate her emotions and the potential difficulties of being in a relationship with a woman. The connection is still new, and significant introspection is expected. See the original article underneath.
‘ I (27F) have romantic and confused feelings for my coworker (30F). We have more or less been living together since COVID started and she is openly gay. I don’t know if i am, and i am terrified i will lose my only friend if i mess this up.’
I was betrothed to my former partner (34M) for three years, until the end of 2018. He was an awful and abusive individual who damaged me. I earned an Engineering degree from a reputable University and even had a promising job opportunity waiting for me, but I made the foolish choice to move with him to a remote location. I soon understood that I was stuck, and it took me almost two years to finally gather the strength to leave.
Following my graduation last year, I managed to secure a junior role at a technology firm – a difficult feat considering my three-year absence from the workforce – and finally left my childhood home. My guide during this period was a woman I’ll refer to as Laura, and in my eyes, she embodies beauty, strength, intelligence, and kindness more than anyone I know.
We developed a strong friendship in short order. I still feel embarrassed thinking about it, but I confided in her about my past relationship and the trauma it caused. She brought me into her social circle, always suggesting activities outside of our job. It was likely the first real friendship I’d formed since my college days.
Following the onset of COVID and the subsequent transition to remote work, she extended an invitation for me to join her in her home office, offering a respite from the restrictive bedroom I was renting. Since that time, we have worked in close proximity.
It has gradually evolved into something beyond a professional relationship. We run together in the mornings, and we alternate preparing meals or collaborate on them. After our work is done, we entertain ourselves with games, television, and other activities. She consistently reassured me that I wasn’t bothering her and repeatedly encouraged me to visit. I started experiencing nervous excitement whenever I saw her, similar to what a teenager feels, and I felt down when I was away from her.
For several months now, I’ve been grappling with my emotions, though I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m still drawn to men, yet Laura evokes similar feelings within me. Frankly, there have been instances where the thought of kissing her has crossed my mind.
I’m both scared and unsure. I’m really worried that if she turns me down, it’ll ruin what we have. Also, she’s in a more senior position than me at work, and I’m anxious that I might be misinterpreting things.
This weekend, we escaped to her family’s vacation home, a private getaway for just the two of us. We slept in the same bed, and she inquired whether I had ever contemplated a romantic connection with a woman. I paused for a long time before answering, and then she quickly steered the conversation elsewhere.
Since that moment, I’ve felt panicked. I called in sick today (she practically demanded to come over and nurse me, but I told her not to) so I could sort through my feelings. But I’m at a loss.
My mother and I spoke today, and she offered a contrasting viewpoint. She suggested that my intense connection stems from past experiences, not homosexuality, and that I’m afraid of jeopardizing my strong relationship with Laura if she becomes romantically involved with someone else.
What I’m really trying to figure out is: what steps should I take? Currently, there’s no one else I can turn to for guidance.
I appreciate everyone’s support. I’m about to go speak with her, and I’m hoping for a positive outcome.
I let her know I’d consider being with a woman, we kissed, and it went well. Now, she wants to proceed cautiously, and we have a date planned for this week. She also wants me to understand my emotions and be certain about my desire for this. Additionally, she mentioned that dating a woman is a different experience than dating a man.
She confided in me that she wishes to take things slow, due to my current uncertainty about being with someone of the same sex. She also advised me to carefully consider this, mentioning her awareness of my family’s strong religious beliefs and questioning how I would handle their potential disapproval of my being with a woman.
She also mentioned that we should keep it under wraps for the time being. During working hours, we have to maintain complete professionalism and prioritize work. I concurred with her.
She also said if i am unable/uncomfortable with things like intimacy, being seen with another woman, etc would be deal breakers. However she said if i do realize i am not bi, then we can stay friends and just keep doing what we have been doing for awhile and it would be fine with her. I am a big mess of different emotions right now. So thank you reddit for giving me the final push to confess.
I’m experiencing emotions for my unattached gay colleague, and after essentially sharing a living space with her for approximately half a year, I’m uncertain about the appropriate course of action. I’m overwhelmed with fear.
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
rmoss7 − So you are sleeping together in the same bed, on a weekend getaway to her family’s cottage and she asks you if you’ve considered a relationship with a woman and you’re still confused about if she likes you back?
Throughout her life, my aunt was romantically involved with men, but she then developed feelings for a woman she worked with. After the death of her wife, she resumed dating men.
My uncle, from another part of the family, was previously married to a woman before getting a divorce, relocating to California, and then dating men. Affection knows no bounds. Past events do not determine what lies ahead.
musicdandy − it sounds like she is a very trustworthy friend. i think if she rejects you, as you say, y’all might still be able to be friends. the fact that she has asked you if you have ever considered being with a woman might mean she’s gauging your interest? honestly, i know it’s hard, but i think you should share how you feel with her and see what happens. best of luck
Overall_Panic7108 − Shes openly gay and asked if you would ever consider dating a woman?!? I think she maybe into you but also doesn’t want to push to hard. I think you should tell her how you feel and see how it goes. Also, you could just be pansexual. If you feel a connection with this person, romantically, the gender doesn’t matter.
fanaticboredom − Would you feel miserable if she started dating someone else? If the answer is yes, I’d definitely tell her. If she likes you back, you can explore this kind of relationship more. If she doesn’t, she’ll probably find someone else, which would also happen if you didn’t tell her.
She seems like a great friend who would likely empathize with your emotions and assist you in deciphering them. Best of luck, no matter your choice!
succubus_in_a_fuss − I am really hoping for a happy ending to this. I became ridiculously invested in this. Rooting for y’all!
seedypete − This weekend we went to her family’s cottage, just the two of us. We shared a bed, and she asked me if i had ever considered being in a relationship with a woman. I hesitated a lot and then she immediately changed the subject.
It definitely seems like she’s giving you the go-ahead. It seems she has been considering you as more than a friend, and you two already seem to have a connection that is deeper than simple friendship. I think you should listen to your gut and take a chance, and disregard your mother’s advice.
You have a clearer understanding than anyone else of your attractions, and based on your description of Laura, it appears you are drawn to her. Avoid getting caught up in definitions and instead, rely on your gut feelings.
sadcapricorn99 − OP I hope telling her goes well but I think you should really work on growing your life beyond Laura if you end up dating. You’re her inferior at work, you don’t have other friends/support network and aren’t as financially secure as her.
I fear you might repeat the pattern of depending too much on your significant other, as you did with your former partner. This could lead to another relationship where, should it fail, you’d be vulnerable and exposed.
resqw_ − I’m best friends with people I have a past with, a guy and a woman. They’ve been my pillar and my support for the last eight years and we never thought to throw our friendship out of the window because of a failed confession (in one case), or because we almost had s** (the other one).
True, enduring friendships are not ruined simply because feelings aren’t mutual. There might be some discomfort temporarily, but a solid friendship can certainly weather the difficulty.
It appears your mother possesses a rather limited understanding of sexuality. The fact that you are still attracted to men does not preclude you from identifying as lesbian; you may, in fact, be bisexual, or even pansexual—terms that share common ground but are ultimately distinct.
As a bisexual person, you may find yourself leaning towards specific genders. However, as a pansexual individual, your capacity to develop feelings for others stems from the emotional connection you share, irrespective of their gender, which seems to align with the situation at hand.
She’s still right, though, and I believe you should see a therapist. Instead of dealing with your roommate directly, inquire about how to build a solid, functional, and fulfilling relationship moving forward, irrespective of your partner’s gender.
Sit and prepare yourself some linen tea (or any calming herbal tea that is available to you), then consider: “Can I be intimate with this individual? Introduce them as my significant other? Share my life with them?”.
Our traditions diverge significantly from those in America. However, casual encounters aside, we typically commit to relationships with the expectation of lifelong partnership. If a future with someone seems improbable, or if a long-term foundation appears unachievable, pursuing a relationship is generally deemed unproductive.
It’s completely reasonable that you’re feeling uncertain, particularly given that this is your initial experience with same-sex attraction. Be aware, though, that you’re among countless individuals who come to understand their sexual orientation later in life.
It’s a sliding scale; therefore, it seems that if your emotions continue to intensify, you simply had to meet the appropriate woman to unearth that aspect of yourself. Best of luck! I hope everything goes well for you.
Sensitive_Wheel9203 − Dude. She’s dropping ANVILS. Go for it!! I fell for a girl and it was so fun. Didn’t work out, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
MyCupOfJo − Idk, I don’t normally think about kissing my close male friends. Perhaps since she asked you about how you feel about dating in the same s** you can revisit it. She could have a good insight on what it is to actually like women and maybe she can help you figure out your inner turmoil.
Venturing into uncharted personal territory can elicit excitement and trepidation simultaneously. If someone is struggling with feelings of uncertainty and anxiety as they begin a relationship, what guidance would you offer? Please contribute your insights in the space below!
