AITA for being disappointed in my 40th birthday?
A woman on Reddit expressed her dissatisfaction with her 40th birthday, as she had envisioned it being more significant and unforgettable. Even though her husband purchased multiple items she had wished for, the day seemed ordinary, just like any other Saturday, without any unique moments or dedicated one-on-one time. While her husband did get a cake and presents, she was left feeling let down because of the absence of personalized touches and unplanned activities. The complete account is available below.
‘ AITA for being disappointed in my 40th birthday?’
I celebrated my 40th birthday this past Saturday. My spouse will also be 40 in a few weeks. We have a child who is 5. I’m not typically one to make a fuss over birthdays (I’ve never even had a party), but I’ve been suggesting to my husband that turning 40 feels significant this year. Maybe it merits several different celebrations.
Given two months’ warning and my husband’s track record as a terrible gift-giver, I provided him with a very detailed list of potential presents, including links to purchase them (mostly on Amazon).
He displayed considerable generosity, acquiring multiple items from the wish list, although, to clarify, my income is 2.5 times greater than my husband’s, so the expense isn’t the main issue; it’s the sentiment behind it. Yet, my actual birthday was underwhelming. There were no special gestures, like breakfast served in bed, or dinner at a restaurant. Not even as much as a balloon.
I arose before everyone else, and my child came to my bedside to view some animated shows. I unwrapped my gifts. We brought our child to the playground, then dined at a restaurant. My spouse selected the spot because it was a place where we could exhaust our youngster later.
Even my mother didn’t feel like coming to see me; I had to go to her place, even though she’s only a 20-minute drive away. That was the extent of it. Pretty much a typical Saturday. On the way back, we even made a quick stop at the grocery store for animal food and spent the night relaxing on the couch watching shows.
There was a lack of impulsiveness, nothing unexpected occurred. My child didn’t create a birthday card for me. My husband ordered a beautiful birthday cake, but it contained fresh cream, which worsens my IBS (I can’t reveal this to him because he was so happy about organizing the cake). However, after 15 years of being together, I had anticipated more.
That Sunday, I was met with the commonplace duties of laundry, grocery buying, and tidying up the house. This annoyed me because I had hoped for a somewhat relaxed birthday weekend where we could have done something out of the ordinary. Perhaps find a babysitter and have some alone time on Sunday? He chose to go swimming while I ran errands at the store.
I couldn’t mask my unhappiness, and I confessed to my husband last night that I regretted not celebrating my fortieth birthday in a more memorable fashion. I didn’t desire a party or lavish meals; I simply wanted something to distinguish the day from an ordinary birthday.
He said how hurtful my comments were given all his efforts and how difficult it had been hunting down presents, arranging a cake, and trying to manage/guess what I really wanted for my birthday. In contrast, for my husbands 30th I arranged a day of surprises then flew him to Paris for a long weekend.
My husband will soon turn 40, and I’m organizing a day filled with surprises, a weekend celebration, and a family vacation later in the year. Yet, I’m surprisingly let down by it all. Am I the unreasonable one? I believe I am. I received wonderful gifts, and I know planning is challenging with a young child, but frankly, it’s left me feeling quite sad and uninspired.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
applebum8807 − YTA. 40 is way too f**king late to learn that people can’t read your mind and that you should use your words to communicate what you want.
[Reddit User] − NTA. People in this thread seem to have pretty low expectations from husbands, the bar seems to be on the floor. Yes, he bought gifts, arranged a (wrong) cake and lunch, but this is the bare minimum.
If money is tight, the surprise or celebration doesn’t need to be extravagant. However, a 40th birthday should be acknowledged with some special care and attention, unless the person has clearly said they don’t want it.
You could have been more upfront about what you wanted instead of implying that turning 40 was significant, but it’s understandable to anticipate some kind of celebration for milestone birthdays like 40 or 50.
jrm1102 − YTA – You didn’t communicate what you wanted then got pissy when your husband didnt read your mind. Yeah, is this a low effort birthday celebration, sure. But he got you all the presents you asked, acknowledged the day, made a cake, etc.
itsminimes − NTA. Cancel everything you have set up for his birthday and get him a couple of presents and cake. Nothing more, nothing less than what you had.
caffeinate_the_nanny − NTA, but not without some responsibility. After being married for 15 years, the bar for knowing what will make you ill is below the ground at this point. He clicked “order” from the online list you gave him, and bought you a cake that you couldn’t enjoy. I’d be hurt, too. “Why didn’t you say something direct?” Well, why didn’t he ask something direct?
Individuals who rationalize the behavior of their significant others—particularly men in heterosexual relationships—frequently mistake basic awareness for “telepathy.” I don’t need to guess what kind of cake my husband prefers. I don’t need to be psychic to understand that he values expressions of love through writing.
I don’t need to guess what a good celebration looks like for him since I’ve spent the last decade figuring it out. Of course, if he has a specific desire, such as a particular restaurant, vacation, or activity, he needs to express it.
He is aware of the things I like, what I do for fun, who my friends are, and the things that bring me joy. I can always count on having dinner with him for my birthday. We shouldn’t be responsible for planning our own celebrations for grown men who say things like “I’m just not as good at that sort of thing,” “men have a different way of thinking,” or “how was I supposed to know what you wanted?”.
They seem perfectly capable of problem-solving at their jobs or when pursuing personal interests, yet they behave as if cultivating relationships is solely a female responsibility due to their supposed incompetence. Guess who understands the process of finding childcare? A parent. That’s who. The ability to plan for your child’s care isn’t magically hindered by being male.
This appears to be a recurring pattern, not an isolated incident. The core issue lies in your perceived inability to communicate your dietary restrictions regarding the cake. Furthermore, his decision to exclude your son and, by extension, the entire family from the celebration raises concerns.
Both of you should try to talk this out. He has to admit that he hasn’t been pulling his weight and that he should be taking initiative and trying to pick things up. It’s not your responsibility to educate him; it’s his responsibility, as your partner, to be proactive in learning.
Keeping that information from him won’t protect him or make you a hero; instead, it will lead to his failure and your frustration. If you don’t tell him, how can he improve? What will happen the next time he brings you something containing cream?
The narrative frequently suggests that women’s expectations are excessive, but this is untrue. Cultivate the strength to recognize the importance of your own emotions and requirements, and articulate them plainly. This is not something someone else can accomplish on your behalf. However, they should be receptive and inspire you to continue expressing yourself.
He ought to go above and beyond what’s expected. He should be aware of your requirements without constant prompting. Best of luck, and belated happy birthday!
[Reddit User] − How hard was the things he arranged? Pretty effing easy! You spoon fed most of it. And he couldn’t remember you don’t eat cream after years of living together.
Less_Ordinary_8516 − NTA. Why do you put so much effort into his birthday. Make it as low key as yours was. Maybe that’s his hint. If it’s hard for him to plan with a baby around, it should be just as hard for you. Relax on his birthday because the pomp is making you want more. Next year plan your own birthday, you will have a blast!!
TKWander − Wowee, the amount of people in the comments saying OP is the a**hole for feeling disappointed :/ ……wow No, her husband isn’t a mind reader….but after being (and living) with someone for so long you Notice what they can and can’t eat/what makes them sick…. and it being a huge milestone birthday…
This guy got cake – which, let’s be real, she’s not really supposed to have – and didn’t bother with tidying up or getting the groceries for her. Seriously? It shouldn’t be necessary to give a detailed explanation of everything that needs doing on your birthday.
You hope your significant other is thoughtful and observant enough to realize, “Dairy doesn’t agree with her; perhaps a fresh cream cake isn’t the best choice for her birthday.” You’d like them to believe that “Breakfast in bed would be an ideal way to kick off my darling’s birthday.”
The day I wish to commemorate her presence in my world and her birth. I’m hoping they might elevate the day beyond the ordinary weekend. To provide a different context.
user123 I recently realized I’m allergic to nightshades (like tomatoes and potatoes) after a year of suffering. It reminds me of when my family made a huge red sauce lasagna for my birthday, knowing I couldn’t eat it. Then, I had to clean up the mess the next day because no one else bothered to, and I was labeled the AH for expressing my disappointment.
I would certainly be crestfallen! And experience considerable suffering afterward (should I consume it). Furthermore, she’s previously illustrated instances of her exceeding expectations for his past birthdays. Therefore, it’s not unreasonable to expect him to do more than the absolute least for her milestone birthday. What a thoroughly uninspired partner.
u/Hedgehogs_are_cute
I wouldn’t plan a massive celebration for his 40th birthday. Simply reciprocate the effort he puts in. He won’t understand the issue unless he goes through it himself. Get a cake, a present, and that’s it. Forty isn’t a milestone, is it? I’m sorry to hear that’s how your 40th was. Perhaps treat yourself to a relaxing weekend getaway? Spoil yourself. You’re NTA for feeling and being let down.
Altruistic_You737 − NTA – hun I feel your pain. I too wanted a bit of a birthday milestone celebration this year (also 40) and it was also meh. I organised everything, bought my own gifts because I knew my husband would run out of time, bought my own cake, topper, balloons etc.
He simply needed to detonate the explosives and finalize the task, but he failed to accomplish either. Furthermore, I went out of my way to pamper my friends with meaningful presents and notes for their milestone birthdays this year, yet I didn’t even receive a card in return. My parents also put in minimal effort on my birthday.
I understand completely, as I also put in a lot of effort to make the birthdays of those I care about memorable and to ensure they feel valued. It’s hard for me to grasp why they wouldn’t reciprocate. I suggest you do as I did: schedule a solo spa day and pamper yourself, because you’ve earned it.
As for those irritating individuals who claim birthdays are insignificant, that’s their prerogative. I’m happy they believe they’ve matured beyond such things, but some of us still find pleasure in celebrating them, regardless of how immature or frivolous that may seem to others. Also, happy birthday from another person born in May! x 💕🎂🎉
Sorry_I_Guess − NTA, and all the “hE’s NoT a mInDreAdeR” people are ridiculous. You’re not psychic either, but you’re intelligent and kind enough to arrange something nice for your spouse’s birthday, and you weren’t even asking for anything exciting . . . just SOMETHING.
Even if it weren’t such a significant occasion (which it truly is), I’m questioning your husband’s decision not to even hire a babysitter and plan a romantic dinner at an elegant establishment. I believe that even that alone would have brought you immense joy, and it requires practically no advance planning.
Given the explicit clues and anticipation, is the Redditor’s dissatisfaction reasonable? Or should she value her husband’s attempts despite their low-key nature? How would you approach a significant birthday? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
