AITA for not wanting to visit my wife’s grandparents after they gave my brother-in-law (BIL) a 50K truck?

A person on Reddit is annoyed that his wife’s grandparents gave her jobless brother a $50,000 truck, even though she works hard and takes care of herself. Because of this perceived injustice, the user doesn’t want to use vacation days to see them. The wife, however, thinks they should value the time they have with her grandparents. Should he put aside his feelings, or was he right to feel slighted?

‘ AITA for not wanting to visit my wife’s grandparents after they gave my brother-in-law (BIL) a 50K truck?’

My wife’s brother, a 28-year-old male, is unemployed and resides in our in-law’s lower level. He is overweight and relies on government assistance from Canada. Despite having the ability to work, he prefers not to. Conversely, my wife (26F) left home at 18, independently financed her education, is employed in a lucrative profession (making 80K per year), is married, and has never requested financial assistance from her parents or grandparents, despite their wealth.

The past two years, we’ve used our vacation to see my wife’s grandparents, who reside on the opposite coast. They recently moved into a retirement community, and due to space constraints, decided to give my brother-in-law a truck worth $50,000.

He claimed it was to “boost his self-esteem” and “provide him with responsibility.” My wife received no such gift, and they made no effort to compensate for the disparity. We’re scheduled to visit them in a few months, but I’m not looking forward to it.

I’m angry at my own behavior because I allowed money to affect how I see them, and I’m also upset about the way my wife was treated. It seems to me that they don’t value her enough. We consistently make great efforts to see them. We pay for all of our travel expenses ourselves. We have not requested any help from them, even though many of her relatives have received financial assistance.

I can’t shake off this unpleasant sensation regarding the matter. My wife became displeased when I mentioned wanting to use our vacation differently. Her strong reaction resulted in a disagreement. She insisted that we must cherish the moments we have with our family while they are still around.

My wife and I are currently saving for our first house, paying off student loans, and saving for our first child. We still drive my very first car I bought 10 years ago. The situation stings, as we could have used the help, while her brother lives a free ride and gets nothing but help all the time. AITA for not wanting to see my wife’s grandparents because of this?

See what others had to share with OP:

empreur −  I’m going against the grain with NTA. The other posters are right, it’s not your business who her grandparents give stuff too. That said, spending your vacation time and money to spend time with people that you resent and have emotionally hurt your wife is something I wouldn’t want to do either.

chubeebear −  I am going against the grain here and asserting that You are NTA. It reads to me like your wife IS very upset about the inequity but values her relationship with her grandparents more than her feelings about these gifts and inequities. My BFF had grandparents and parents who treated her brother very much like their golden child.

It was a lengthy process for her to accept that reality. I realize you’re hesitant to visit them, but your wife’s perspective is accurate, and you would benefit from heeding her advice. They are elderly (85) and have surpassed the typical life expectancy for people of their age. Assist her in embracing the therapy and recognizing that it doesn’t diminish her worth.

I was constantly told as a child that those who complain the loudest get the most attention. Her grandparents may simply be extremely proud of her achievements and not view their assistance to those who are unable or unwilling to better themselves as unfair to her. If she hasn’t discussed this with them before, perhaps this trip would be a good opportunity.

It’s preferable to address this openly rather than allowing her to spend the remainder of her life questioning it once they’re gone. I encourage you to heed her wishes and not exclude these individuals from your lives. It appears that doing so would ultimately inflict greater pain on your wife.

Remarkable_Sea_1062 −  NTA. I would not waste PTO time on her grandparents either. If your wife wants to go, fine. PTO time is limited. I suggest you do something you would enjoy doing with yours.

Neat-Drawer-50 −  Update: Thank you everyone for the comments so far! You have reinforced my gut feeling that I am wrong to feel this way. You are also right that I was wrong to make rude comments about my BIL. I never planned to intervene or bring our feelings up with anyone, especially not her grandparents. My only reason for postponing the trip was to let myself cool down before we saw them next.

corgihuntress −  I tend to feel the same way as you. It’s not that the truck was given, it’s that no thought was given to her. NTA

Traveling-Techie −  In a similar situation a wise friend told me, “Yeah, but he has to be him.” Let it be.

OrigamiStormtrooper −  It’s genuinely really sweet that you’re angry/frustrated by this on your wife’s behalf. But, yeah, I’d let it go. You don’t know if they have plans to give her something else later on, but even if they don’t, tell her that one possibility is that they see clearly how capable and together she is,

…and that she doesn’t require their assistance. It seems they would have been wiser to “gift” her brother some sort of intervention instead of a pricey car, but oh well – grandparents will be grandparents.

Cerealkiller4321 −  NTA. My in-laws favour my sil like this – gifting her 500000k and the two others nothing. So they can choose to spend their money how they wish and we can choose to spend our time with whom we wish. We rarely see the in-laws.

They can’t be alone with the children, and we expect no assistance from them. We no longer go on holiday with them, stay overnight at their place, or celebrate Christmas together.

We have also come to the understanding that when our parents reach old age, my partner will be solely responsible for transporting them to their appointments and providing all necessary care. They will no longer be our concern. Conversely, my family will receive all the visits, holiday celebrations, and babysitting services. If they are allowed to show favoritism, we are also entitled to do the same. To hell with the in-laws!

AdDramatic8568 −  NAH – if you don’t want to be around these people, then going to visit them is probably a bad idea. That being said, I’m not really sure what you’re complaining about. You say that you and your wife have never asked for handouts, then why expect them? If the cousins and the brother are asking for these things, then it makes sense that they would be given to them.

Silent people are often ignored, and you admit your spouse earns a reasonable income. Your financial situation and objectives align with someone of your age and educational background. What is your real aim? Do you expect them to ship the vehicle to you at their cost? Or perhaps sell the car and hand over the proceeds? What is the justification for them to compensate for the original gift?

They haven’t passed away; they’re relocating and needed to dispose of items they could no longer keep. Would you like any of their furniture? The remainder of this message is irrelevant.

Typically, these journeys are paid for out of pocket. The thought of requesting financial assistance from my relatives to see them fills me with shame. You also mentioned that her parents have come to see you, suggesting it’s not a completely unbalanced arrangement. You haven’t clarified how your wife feels unappreciated, implying there might be underlying problems.

NoImpress9065 −  Nta, blatant favouritism is an ick for me

Do you believe the user has a valid reason to opt out of the vacation, or should they disregard the preferential treatment for the benefit of familial unity? In your opinion, what is the best course of action when experiencing feelings of being undermined by relatives due to monetary bias? Please, share your opinion in the comments!