WIBTA for going to my sisters baby shower after my wife miscarried?

A user on Reddit is facing an agonizing situation: the baby shower for his sister, who has struggled with infertility, is fast approaching, but he and his wife have recently experienced a miscarriage. He is caught between his need to support his wife and his desire to celebrate with his sister, as both women have experienced hardship. He feels conflicted between supporting his grieving wife and being present for his sister’s celebration. The full account is provided below.

‘ WIBTA for going to my sisters baby shower after my wife miscarried?’

I (M31) and my wife (F30) have been attempting to conceive, and in February she became pregnant. Sadly, she experienced a miscarriage a week prior, leaving us heartbroken. This isn’t the first instance of this happening. I am doing everything I can to be supportive, and we both took some time away from our jobs.

My 34-year-old sister is expecting a child after struggling with infertility for many years and undergoing IVF. She’s overjoyed but also very anxious about the possibility of a miscarriage. However, I’m extremely happy for her, and it seems like her health is in good condition.

My sister’s baby shower is scheduled for Sunday. My wife is unwilling to be there, a sentiment I share. My sister is aware of and accepts this. She expressed understanding and said that my presence wasn’t necessary, though I’m sure she’d prefer I attend.

My spouse is against it, arguing that she requires my presence. The family is currently very focused on infants, and she believes that my absence at the baby shower will overwhelm her. I am experiencing a significant internal conflict. I have a strong desire to attend my sister’s baby shower.

It has been a drawn-out process, and I am genuinely pleased for her, looking forward to her journey, and eager to embrace my role as an uncle. Naturally, the loss of our child has deeply saddened me, and I feel immense sorrow for my wife and the ordeal she is facing once more, but I am determined to support my sister. Being her sole sibling, we share a strong bond. I am uncertain of the appropriate course of action and would appreciate an unbiased perspective for guidance. Would I be in the wrong?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

goldenfingernails −  NAH. I am so sorry for your loss. This is such a hard time for you and your wife. Torn as you are with grief over your loss but happy that your sister is finally pregnant. I don’t see a right or wrong answer, frankly, but I would advise staying with your wife.

This might foster bitterness in the connection if you choose not to. During her baby shower, consider sending your sister lovely flowers or a surprise present to show her you’re thinking of her. I’m happy she’s being so accommodating.

Adventurous_View917 −  If your wife wants you to stay and your sister says that’s fine, YWBTA for going. But very sorry for your loss 🙁

DragonMaster7433 −  This seems like a very tough call to me. Your wife says that she needs your support, but this is a very huge deal for your sister too. I think the part that really decides this though is that your wife miscarried only a week ago.

For any less important event, you’d likely remain to be there for your wife, so I believe that’s the right move in this case too (to be with your wife). Still, please do send your sister love and support through texts and other means of communication.

While it’s still simple to support your sister from home, offering your wife support is challenging if you’re at a party celebrating something she’s grieving. Therefore, you would be the AH if you chose your sister’s baby shower over being there for your wife.

Spare-Article-396 −  YWBTA if you go. Your wife is emotionally raw. She shouldn’t be left alone while you’re at a party celebrating the coming of a baby. I totally get where you’re coming from, but this is just a party, and there will be plenty of time to show support for your sis and baby in the months/years to come.

Your sister is aware of the situation. It’s crucial that you stay with your wife on that particular day. She requires your presence more urgently than your sister does. I also wanted to express my sincere condolences for your loss, and I will continue to include you in my prayers.

-Onion_Kid- −  I would say YTA if you went. Your wife needs your support now, and just because you don’t show up to the baby shower doesn’t mean you can’t support your sister during her pregnancy. Maybe send a gift from her registry if she has one and a heartfelt card in the meantime.

Solid_Bed_752 −  I had a miscarriage when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. Our whole friend group (of first kids the same age) were in various stages of pregnancy around that time. We were together for Halloween with the kids TOT-ing and I took a picture of them together all pregnant.

It was a bit disheartening for me, but I was genuinely pleased for them and made an effort to express it. Eventually, I had a child a year later than the others (although after experiencing another miscarriage).

The pain is legitimate, I suppose, but I still believe your wife should find it within herself to be happy for your sister too. In my opinion, she’s acting selfishly by not wanting you to go, even briefly.

Each person experiences pain in their own way; I am not attempting to portray myself as virtuous while demonizing your wife. I don’t believe you would be in the wrong if you took a brief shower. However, you wouldn’t be wrong if you chose not to. This is a difficult situation.

[Reddit User] −  NAH but please stay home and support your wife. I’m sure your sister would understand. You could take her to lunch another time, or arrange a present delivery for the day of the shower.

[Reddit User] −  NAH, and I disagree with all of the comments stating that you shouldn’t go. This is a very important moment for your sister and your family, but also for you. You’re excited to be an uncle and you want to support and be surrounded by people you love while you celebrate.

That’s entirely fair – very fair, in fact! – and I have a feeling you’ll kick yourself for not going if you decide to stay put. It’s true that your wife might feel a bit put out or isolated if you go, as others have pointed out, but I don’t believe that giving up this opportunity, or your own means of support, is the right call.

Enlist support for her during the time you’d be out and know that the two of you may grieve differently, and that’s ok.
Sending the both of you so much kindness and comfort.

SeamStressed1 −  Don’t leave your wife home alone, thinking about you celebrating with your sister and a healthy baby.. because all she will be able to think about is how empty she feels.

That terrible, hollow, vacant sensation will be overwhelming if she’s by herself, contemplating your revelry. Mail her a card and propose a celebratory lunch date in the near future.

I send you and your wife my best wishes for fortitude and optimism. At this moment, words will likely not comfort her. However, you have the ability to support her in moving forward from this bereavement. Should you decide to attempt to conceive in the future, I wish you the best of fortune.

hadMcDofordinner −  It’s just a party, stay home. There will be time to celebrate your sister’s. child (hopefully) later, lots of time. Your sister has told you she is fine. with you not going to the party, so don’t.

Should the user be considered wrong if he goes to his sister’s baby shower, or is it an understandable yet challenging decision to show support for a family member? How can one find a middle ground between being present for family and respecting a partner’s sorrow? Let us know what you think!