AITAH for telling my friend that being settled for isn’t the worst thing in the world?

A Reddit user recounted a serious discussion with her friend Anna, who wondered about the reasons people commit to relationships. The original poster mentioned that her husband had “settled” with her, despite the lack of initial attraction, yet they enjoy a fulfilling marriage. Her husband accidentally heard this disclosure, which resulted in a stronger emotional response than she had expected. The complete account is provided below.

‘ AITAH for telling my friend that being settled for isn’t the worst thing in the world?’

My friend Anna and I were discussing her romantic pursuits. Anna is strikingly attractive and could date almost any man she desires. She ended her previous relationship because she felt she was superior to her boyfriend, a fact he was aware of, leading to his insecurities. Anna expressed her desire to only be with someone exceptional.

She questioned why someone would compromise and cited my marriage as a successful illustration of affection. I responded that my spouse had compromised by marrying me, that he wasn’t drawn to me, and that we still had a contented marriage. Being the one settled for isn’t the end of the world. My husband, Allan, and I are contentedly married high school sweethearts.

He endured significant torment during his middle and high school years. I defended him when I arrived in his hometown during my sophomore year. By the time we were seniors, he had formed friendships and invited me to the prom. A decade later, we share a joyful marriage. Nevertheless, I am aware that my husband is not drawn to me physically.

As a woman, I am inherently larger and have more muscle mass than most. This is a great source of self-doubt for me. A year into our marriage, my husband admitted while intoxicated that he wasn’t attracted to me (he likes smaller women with softer features), but he appreciated my efforts and felt he should express his gratitude.

That’s why he invited me to the prom, we were together during our studies, and he asked me to marry him. He cared deeply for me, but I wasn’t appealing to him physically. He had a hangover the following day and couldn’t recall what he had said. He rarely drinks since he is very honest when inebriated.

I was devastated, yet our marriage was generally wonderful. I never revealed to him his words from that evening. He was an excellent spouse. I doubt many men find me physically appealing regardless. I shared all of this with Anna, and she appreciated the guidance. That night, Allan began to weep. He cried without a sound, but I stirred awake.

I embraced him, inquiring about the problem, and he confessed to eavesdropping on our discussion. I hadn’t anticipated him hearing it, given my location in the basement, but he recognized his name and chose to eavesdrop. I expressed regret for causing him pain, but it only intensified his crying. I’m uncertain about any wrongdoing on my part. Was I wrong?

I wasn’t suggesting Anna should compromise. She’d be miserable if she did. I simply pointed out that compromise isn’t the end of the world, and my own marriage is built on it. My husband compromised by marrying me, and we’re content. My advice was for her to remain authentic and stick to her values. If she’s not content, the relationship is doomed.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

standard5891 −  NTA but you need to talk to your husband about this. Either he is really struggling with guilt about his confession or is really triggering with unhappiness in the relationship, and either way you two need to talk about it. Also whew you are a saint for dealing with that confession so gracefully.

Honest-Complex-4150 −  I don’t think you are the a**hole in this absolutely not in anyway. But I am curious if your husband ended up talking to you about it?

No_Pop_7924 −  It sounds like he thinks you think you settled for a guy who doesn’t find you attractive. Like he broke both your hearts.

Dextergrayson −  Absolutely not the ah but you seem to think less of yourself than you should. You keep mentioning you’re grateful he even wants to be married because you’re not conventionally beautiful, do I understand that correctly? A marriage is much more than physical attraction, people have so much more worth than just their looks?

He must be content having you as his wife, just as you feel about him. Maybe he understood, after eavesdropping on your conversation, how poorly you think of yourself because of his words and now he feels awful? Marriage counseling or, at the very least, plenty of honest communication appears to be needed… you both seem like decent individuals, I hope you can resolve this.

MinnieShoof −  but he was grateful for what I did and felt **obliged to thank me**. Which is why he asked me out to prom, why we dated throughout college, why he proposed. Oooooooof. You know, I could stand the idea of being in love with someone who didn’t find me attractive. Completely understand that. … but the way it’s said, it sounds like a debt he’s paying off. I was expecting the other shoe to drop and for him to say “… but then I fell in love” but … oof. I wish y’all the best.

WhyAmIStillHere86 −  NTA, but I strongly suggest couples therapy. There’s nothing wrong with settling of you’re both on the same page. I know people who are friends who married for tax and immigration benefits, and they’re happy. There’s also nothing wrong with holding put for a relationship that values you, or with dumping an insecure j**k.

lowkeyhobi −  I hope Anna did not take your advice. Cause huh? This man admitted he felt obligated to ask you out and pretty much settled on dating/marrying you and then you apologized to him.

Aggravating-Fudge794 −  Holy smokes. This was a hard read. If I heard these words coming out of my husband’s mouth I would be heartbroken. We knew each other for a long time before we started dating and have been married for a long time as well. Yeah we’re both older but that attraction has never changed. If anything to more so.

I’m extremely attracted to the gray streaks in his hair. Plus, he compliments me that my attractiveness is increasing as I age (I’m incredibly blessed that he says that and is sincere). I’m unaware of the dynamics of your relationship and won’t criticize it. I just feel that companions should never be forced to accept less than they deserve, for any reason. I hope my perspective doesn’t offend you.

JagZilla_s −  NTA, he is crying because he wants you to feel wanted and he feels like he failed that by drunkenly spilling the beans.

Psychological_You353 −  Op why are u not thinking about yourself a little more I mean all u keep saying is that I love my husband an iam not worthy of his love just stop an think for a minute he is dam lucky to have u an please repeat this many times a day

Was it inappropriate for the original poster to portray her marital situation to her acquaintance in such terms, despite her intentions being to provide guidance? Or was this simply an unfortunate miscommunication that escalated unnecessarily? Could she have navigated this situation with greater care? Please provide your opinions in the comments!