AITA for planning to d**p my fiancee because she is t**ic to her family?

After several years of what seemed like an ideal relationship, a user on Reddit is having second thoughts about their engagement to Ruby. Ruby has always said her family was toxic, but the user has begun to suspect that she is the one with the problem. Considering how Ruby treats her family, and worrying about the possible consequences for their future kids, the user is thinking about calling off the wedding. More information about this complicated situation can be found in the original post.

‘ AITA for planning to d**p my fiancee because she is t**ic to her family?’

For the last several years, my (M34) relationship with my fiancée Ruby (F32) has been amazing. She means the world to me, and I could go on and on about everything I love about her. But to keep things brief, let’s just say I thought we were made for each other.

Recently, I experienced a sudden insight concerning Ruby’s actions. Initially, she described her family as deeply dysfunctional and expressed considerable animosity towards them. Nevertheless, she consistently maintained regular communication with them. Eventually, I arrived at the unsettling and unfortunate conclusion that Ruby, not her family, is the source of the dysfunction.

I could recount numerous instances of her poor behavior toward her family, but I’ll focus on a select number. Around a year prior, during her parents’ anniversary celebration, she relentlessly pushed her brother Will (M30) to consume alcohol, despite his history of alcohol abuse and his three years of sobriety. Ruby persisted with her offers at least seven to nine times, and even though Will politely refused each time, she was unyielding.

It wasn’t until he put his foot down and I brought up all the times he had said no before that she finally let it go. But even then, she was still giving him the cold shoulder the rest of the night until he said he was sorry. Eight months back, Ruby’s older sister Janet (F36) went through a really rough divorce and got depressed after.

Ruby had promised Janet multiple times that she was going to visit her in order to lift her spirits, but then would call it off right before. She confided in me that she either just wasn’t in the mood, or that she was still bothered by minor things Janet had done in the past. I was very angry about this behavior because I can’t stand when people make promises they don’t keep.

When I mentioned to her that her behavior was insensitive, which I did more than once, she disregarded it, claiming that Janet would invariably recover. Periodically, when Ruby becomes annoyed with her job, she phones her mother and berates her, holding her and her father accountable for influencing her to pursue this particular profession. There have been instances when she has shouted at her parents to the point where her mother has started weeping.

Ruby also constantly seeks assistance from her relatives, and if they can’t help, she will ignore them for extended periods until they give in to what she wants. It’s quite shocking. Ruby is nice to me and her friends, but she’s undeniably harsh with her family, which is hard to ignore. Even her friends have seen it, and when they tease her about it, Ruby brushes it off, claiming her family doesn’t care.

Ruby’s relationship with her younger sister, Ethel (F29), is characterized by negativity. Ruby frequently disparages and nitpicks at Ethel about insignificant details. It’s appalling because I’ve personally witnessed Ruby’s self-satisfied joy when she degrades Ethel. I’m tired of hearing Ruby remind Ethel to “Know your place” or to “remember her place;” it’s become utterly tiresome.

It might seem insignificant, but observing Ruby’s familial relationships has bothered me. I hope to have children in the future, and I don’t want them to think that this type of behaviour is acceptable. After much contemplation, I’ve decided to break up with Ruby soon.

Continuing this relationship would be dishonest, just as I’ve lied to myself for years, pretending her behaviour wasn’t an issue. Some of the people I’ve confided in think I’m overreacting or being unfair, given how devoted Ruby is to me and how this behaviour doesn’t directly affect me. While they may not be entirely wrong, I still can’t see a future with her.. AITA?

See what others had to share with OP:

I_ship_it07 −  And you realised only now?? And by the logic of your “friends” how do you think she will treat you/them when she will have enough of you/them? T**ic people are t**ic with everybody not just their long time victims.. Thank god you want to leave. NTA

Mother_Search3350 −  NTAH.. Ruby sounds unhinged and narcissistic.  JFC why have those people not cut her off?  Why are they putting up with her BS?  For the sake of your own mental health, you need to get away from that woman. She treats you well because she is still a girlfriend. As soon as she has that ring on her finger and has you on lock down, you are going to be treated the same way she treats her family. . Walk away.. 

Comfortable-Bug1737 −  You should have left after the brother incident. Bloody hell. Make sure you tell her it’s because she’s a sh*t human being as well.

WeirdPinkHair −  NTA to everyone saying why wait it’s probably so he can line things up. If they live together he needs to sort alternatives and just untangling their lives so he can just up and leave clean. If he did it any other way with his h**py she would make his life a living hellscape. Better to plan first then just go.

She likely isn’t mistreating him, and rightfully anticipates that things will turn ugly the moment he declares their separation. Consequently, he’s strategizing his exit as one would when escaping an abusive dynamic.

ComprehensivePut5569 −  NTA – Ruby is a living/breathing red flag and you are absolutely right to be concerned. I don’t know why you are waiting to end things. If it’s because she hasn’t exhibited these behaviors towards you, I would add the word “yet”. Or maybe she has and you overlooked them because you’re so enamored with her.

It’s inevitable that you’ll be in her sights eventually, particularly if you tie the knot. Just end it now. Procrastinating won’t make things simpler or cleaner. Be ready to see Ruby’s true colors when you face her or call it quits. Seeing her freak out will likely make ending things much simpler (and she will).

Sweet-Salt-1630 −  NTA, have you asked her why she treats them this way? I’d be scared once you’re married she would treat you the same. She is kind to her friends because she knows she can’t get away with that behaviour with them. Have you called her out the moment she does this to family?

Samarkand457 −  God help any daughters you might have with this h**py.. NTA.

blackbeautybae −  NTA. Ruby’s behavior towards her family is extremely concerning and it reflects poorly on her character. It’s important to consider how this could potentially affect any future relationships and children. You are making the right decision by ending the relationship.

It requires strength to leave behind something that appears positive initially, but is, in reality, to*** and detrimental. It is essential to focus on your personal health and contentment. Your reaction is proportionate, and you are not being unjust; you are making a sound choice concerning your future. Do not allow others to induce feelings of culpability for pursuing your best interests.

savinathewhite −  NTA. Better to end things now than later after watching her traumatize your children, and then continuing to watch her do the same things for years or battle in court. If Ruby thinks this is how healthy families behave towards each other, then this is the behavior she will model for her own children.

Ensure you aren’t the father of any future children she might have, or you’ll face the pain of knowing you caused their suffering. Terminate the relationship and hope she seeks help.

buttpickles99 −  NTA – how much you want to bet that you if were to go through with the wedding, that Ruby would begin to treat you like she treats her family. She is still on her best behavior because you are not locked in yet, once the ring is on and the vows are made her true self will come out. It’s a miracle you saw who she truly is before you made the biggest mistake of your life!

Is the user right to contemplate calling off the wedding due to Ruby’s actions, or are they blowing family issues out of proportion? What’s the best way to handle a situation where someone you care about mistreats their relatives? Let us know what you think!