AITA for telling DIL I won’t watch her older kids so she could take the baby on a vacation ?

A woman declines to look after her two eldest grandchildren, preventing her daughter-in-law from taking only the infant on a house-hunting excursion. The grandmother alleges that her DIL is showing favoritism towards the youngest child, emphasizing that the older two will not comprehend why they were excluded.

The daughter-in-law, referencing logistical concerns about managing more than just the infant, organizes a different caregiver and prevents the children’s grandmother from visiting them during the weekend. The woman’s son believes everyone involved responded too intensely, especially given his wife’s previous experience with postnatal depression. For the complete account, see below…

‘ AITA for telling DIL I won’t watch her older kids so she could take the baby on a vacation ?’

My son’s wife and he have 3 children: two daughters and a son. The daughters are 3 years old and nearly 1, while the son is 4. I’ve long felt that she prefers the youngest. When the older two were born, she returned to work after 12 weeks, placed them in daycare for the entire day, did not breastfeed, and appeared uninterested in embracing parenthood.

She is completely different with this baby. She left her job to avoid putting the baby in daycare, practices attachment parenting, wouldn’t even consider formula, and won’t leave the baby’s side. They’re relocating for my son’s work and are spending the weekend searching for a house and getting to know the neighborhood.

My daughter-in-law wondered if I was available to watch her two older children, and when I inquired about the youngest, she mentioned that the baby would accompany them. I questioned her decision to bring the baby instead of the older kids, and she explained that it would simplify matters considerably. She wouldn’t need to be concerned about the children being restless in the houses, losing interest after seeing a few, or becoming exhausted.

She also said the infant is content in either a carrier or stroller. Additionally, she noted the baby has always been with her, and she’s hesitant to have the baby spend two nights apart from her at this stage. Her intention is to bring the baby along and believes it would be simpler to visit child-friendly locations with just one child to manage.

I declined. I explained to her that singling out one child for a vacation while the others stay home feels like playing favorites, particularly given her past pattern of showing her preferential treatment. The other children would be thrilled to join the trip, and they won’t grasp why their mother left them behind but took their sister along.

She claims I’m not entitled to judge her parenting skills and that she treats all her children equally. I remained firm and informed her that I would take all the children or none at all. She currently has a friend supervising the two older children and has instructed her that I am prohibited from seeing the children this weekend because she believes I will speak negatively about her to them, potentially creating conflict between her and the children.

My son believes her reaction is excessive. However, he also feels I should have remained silent, knowing her history of postpartum depression with the first two children and her resulting feelings of inadequacy as their mother. Am I in the wrong for pointing out her preferential treatment towards the baby and declining to care for the older two so she could vacation with the youngest?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

sheramom4 −  YTA. They are not “taking the baby on vacation.” They are going to look at houses, which is a chore, in their new location. The baby is breastfed so how did you plan to keep the baby for the weekend? And the baby has not been away from mom so it would have been miserable. What did your refusal and tirade accomplish?

You’re barred from visiting your grandchildren, which has already resulted in lost moments with the elder two. Given their impending relocation, it’s unlikely they will frequently travel back to see you. Furthermore, handling the youngest child differently from the older two doesn’t automatically imply favoritism or superior treatment.

DIL came to the conclusion that staying home would be preferable, or that the cost of childcare for three children would be prohibitive. She had difficulties breastfeeding her first two children, but is finding it easier with her third. Considering your propensity for judgment, I doubt they will maintain a relationship with you.

bokatan778 −  YTA. Not for saying no to babysitting, but for your reasoning here. It’s a lot easier to hold a small child/baby while looking at homes plus traveling than dealing with two TODDLERS plus a baby. You certainly aren’t obligated to watch any of your grandchildren, but your reasoning sounds a little ridiculous. Honestly, it sounds like you just don’t like your DIL.

You’re simply seizing this as yet another chance to tear her down. So what if she’s opted for a different parenting approach with her third kid? That’s quite typical, as you figure out what suits you best after the initial one or two. Seems like you ought to brace yourself for dwindling visits with ALL of your grandkids moving forward.

gumbuoy −  YTA. It’s not a vacation. It’s going to look at houses and figure out where they can live. Also, they’ll be moving away so why aren’t you taking as much time with your grandkids as possible before that happens?

Sami_George −  YTA for your reasoning. I was going to say it seems like she had PPD with her first two, and then you said it in that last paragraph. She isn’t a bad mom and they aren’t going on vacation, they’re going to look at houses. The older two would’ve had their own vacation with you, which is now instead with a friend.

If the child is still nursing, it’s understood the mother cannot be away. You’ve opted to pass judgment on your daughter-in-law, yet I noticed you haven’t said a word about your son’s role in this. You’re awfully eager to put all the blame on her, which is a bit unsettling.

SummerStar62 −  You sound insufferable. Judgmental. Bitter and yes, YTA. It’s not a vacation. Househunting with a nursing baby is not going to be a walk in the park. House hunting with three children would be a nightmare. Are you being obtuse on purpose?… Is it deliberate? Or do you have your knickers in a twist simply because you didn’t get your way.

Material-Profit5923 −  YTA, and a big one at that. Do you like to refuse to show empathy and tear down all other women, or only the ones who have the nerve to marry your son? You act as if PPD is no big deal, when it absolutely has a huge impact on every aspect of a new mother’s life.

Furthermore, your “all or nothing” approach is absurd. If a one-year-old is breastfed and unfamiliar with alternative feeding methods, it is detrimental for both the child and her parents to have someone else drastically alter her established feeding habits while her mother is not readily available.

This action occurs when the mother is present and available to assist if necessary. Furthermore, she is not going on a trip; rather, she is trying to secure a new residence. Additionally, the infant is undeniably easier (and safer) to manage when visiting unfamiliar homes that may not be adequately safe for toddlers.

Unless you handle their finances, you’re not aware of the monetary aspects influencing her choice (or her means) to be a stay-at-home parent. Similarly, you’re not aware of the medical considerations affecting her choices about the children unless you’re their physician. Continuing this behavior will lead to your exclusion from any information about your son’s family as they distance themselves from you.

RageNap −  Going back to work after three months and not breastfeeding makes you disinterested in being a parent? Jesus Christ, you sound insufferable.

Comfortable-One8520 −  YTA. I’m a MIL with DILs. I’m a grandma.  You’ve just torpedoed your relationship with your son, DIL and grandkids in order to make some weird point.

yourdaddy-1972 −  YTA. Not for choosing to not sit with them, as this is your right, but for your reasons . Firstly it’s not a “vacation” they’re going to look at houses for their move. Secondly parents with multiple children evolve and learn as parents and nothing you’ve posted indicates favoritism, but learning from past experience.

Postpartum depression is a genuine concern that you appear to be dismissing. Ultimately, her arguments are sound, especially given that she’s nursing, and it’s preferable to avoid having small kids running loose in model homes. In such settings, managing a baby is far simpler. Honestly, you come across as resentful, or maybe you simply dislike your daughter-in-law and are seeking any justification to portray her negatively.

FactHonest5986 −  YTA. Starting with your misleading post title and just ramping up from there. Daycare is FINE. Formula is FINE. Working to help support your family and make sure you can always support yourself and your kids if you have to is GOOD. She sounds like a fine mom, even in your biased telling, and you sound like a judgmental beast. 

Do you believe the grandmother interfered too much, or was her behavior reasonable? Tell us what you think in the comments!