AITAH for rejecting my husband’s offer to join him for a family funeral after he explicitly uninvited me?

A woman is experiencing feelings of pain and alienation. Initially, her husband told her she couldn’t attend a family funeral, explaining that it was due to financial constraints and wanting to concentrate on mourning. However, the plans were modified later, with him prolonging his visit for social gatherings with his wife’s family.

Being stranded with few options to leave, he then proposes a spontaneous flight, which she declines, interpreting it as an act of remorse. Her spouse then claims she isn’t showing enough support during a difficult period. She questions if her firm stance is the cause of the conflict. Read the original story below…

‘ AITAH for rejecting my husband’s offer to join him for a family funeral after he explicitly uninvited me?’

My decade-long husband must travel to another state for a family funeral. Initially, I understood why I couldn’t attend, but his plans have drastically changed, making my exclusion seem unreasonable. We had agreed that he would go alone and I would stay. Now that he’s there, he wants me to join him, which would require altering our original arrangements.

I’ll be as concise as possible. My spouse (28M) and I (30F) have been a couple for ten years. We jointly own a home, are childless, both employed, and have several dogs; we have a typical life. Our relationship began during our university years. I resided locally, while he came from another state. Consequently, his entire family resides elsewhere. Upon his graduation, we remained in my state because he expressed a desire not to return to his home state.

During the last week, his grandfather died. He was older than 100 years. Although the family had been expecting this event for several years, his death occurred quickly and without warning. Naturally, I was present to support him upon learning the news and helped him and his family organize the funeral.

They opted for a private service followed immediately by the burial. I completely understand and appreciate that decision. I inquire about my husband’s return travel arrangements given the limited timeframe. I volunteer to drive him, and we compare the costs of various transportation options, including bus, train, and plane tickets.

He expressed a desire for a solo trip, citing financial worries, and our dog’s need for daily medication requiring my presence. Despite pre-arranging potential leave with my employer and coordinating with a neighbor for the dog’s medication, I acknowledged his perspective.

We are unable to purchase two tickets, which is understandable. Please inform me of how I can be of assistance. The memorial service is scheduled for Wednesday. He initially indicated that he was required to be present on Tuesday, and therefore he would arrange to fly out on Monday. Subsequently, he determined that he would simply drive (and offered my vehicle, not his, for the journey).

I think that is acceptable, and given that acquiring tickets is no longer a concern, I inquired whether he would like me to accompany him to provide support following the funeral. He declined, stating that it should be limited to family and that he desires to be entirely present for his father without any interruptions. While I am somewhat saddened, I recognize that it is his family and his sorrow, and my feelings are secondary.

He then resolves to depart on Friday evening. This would allow him sufficient time to arrive at his destination and be with his family before the funeral service, while also minimizing his absence from work. He mentions his intention to work remotely from “home” on Monday and Tuesday, requiring only Wednesday off, after which he will drive back, arriving home that same evening.

Okay, that appears reasonable. It’s taking a bit longer than anticipated, but ultimately it’s his family and his work, so it’s not my decision. Yesterday, he phoned to inform me that his family has chosen to skip work/school on Monday for a large gathering, which will include his sister and her husband, as well as his brother, his wife, and their children.

He mentioned he might be staying the entire week to avoid taking unneeded time off, and plans to come back Sunday. Right now, I’m feeling incredibly hurt. He has been telling me for years I am family and not an outsider, despite my frequent feelings of being one.

He initially rescinded my invitation due to monetary concerns, but once those concerns were resolved, he cited an intimate family gathering as the reason – yet his wife’s siblings are invited? He’s worried about taking time off work and wants to extend his stay, but he’s okay with being away from his computer on Monday without requesting leave to attend a large, unplanned reunion?

Now he’s driving my car, leaving me with his broken-down van for double the time he initially said he’d be away. I expressed that I was upset, and despite understanding it wasn’t personal, given the sad circumstances, and not blaming him, I still felt distinctly left out and like an outsider to his family.

He called me selfish, and I’ve been avoiding communicating with him ever since. Today, he texted me to ask when I wanted him back, explaining that his siblings were considering taking some time off if he was “allowed” to stay longer, so they could all hang out and have fun together.

I instructed him to return whenever he felt ready, but to let me know a day in advance so I could monitor his journey and ensure his safe arrival (it’s a 12-hour drive, and we share our locations). Because I was upset, I then disabled notifications. Now, he’s inundating my phone, saying they’re offering to purchase a one-way ticket for me to join them.

I’ve already informed my supervisors that I don’t require the vacation, and I’ve informed my neighbor that his assistance is no longer necessary, and he has already arranged activities for the week. I’ve made arrangements to visit friends, do home repairs, and so on.

I told him over the phone that I wouldn’t participate, noting my initial exclusion and unwillingness to suddenly create arrangements to ease his guilt after he faced criticism. He responded by citing a difficult week marked by his grandfather’s passing, accusing me of lacking empathy and understanding in light of his circumstances.

I feel like I’ve given him nothing but grace and understanding from the start. So before I say anything I regret, Reddit, am I the a**hole?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

rizyukaizen −  NTA. I’m sure one of his siblings or their significant other has noticed you missing and said something. I’m sure he lied and is now freaking out cause one call or text to you will tear his lies apart and his ass will be grass from his family. Would be one thing if he did fly out and it was expenses that stopped both of ya but he now has no excuse.

ThrowawayDB314 −  NTA. Guilt has worked on him.. This is his problem, not yours.

Odd_Welcome7940 −  NTA…Grace and understanding are things meant for mistakes or trying moments. He has made a full-blown pattern of finding every excuse to exclude you and treat you as an afterthought. Once there and the questions began flowing, making him or you look bad, now he wants you to fix it all for him. Forget that.

Allow him to experience the clemency you’re offering by respecting his desire for distance. It’s unfair to retract that choice now. He must confront the ramifications of his actions, just as he has compelled you to confront yours. If necessary, you’d be justified in requesting he maintain no contact until his return journey.

That way, you won’t make his family and decisions even harder. Wait a few days after he gets back, then show him this. Ask him if that’s the kind of person he wants to be, or if it’s what you should have. Then, wait quietly for him to finish reading and respond. Force him to really deal with his choice.

Ima-Bott −  You can’t win this one. He’s throw out any canard he can to try to deflect away from his behavior and actions. You weren’t invited, don’t go as a pity guest. And make him rent a car. You’ll need yours. NTA

Careless_Welder_4048 −  I don’t want to make you feel worse but he said they wanted to buy you a ticket, I don’t think he wanted to buy you a ticket.

grissy −  NTA. I suspect his family asked why the hell you weren’t there and he explained, at which point they told him he was being an a**hole and offered to fly you out.
He said that it was a hard week and his grandfather just died, and that I was being an a**hole for not giving him grace and understanding.

All week, he more or less kept saying that you weren’t a true member of the family. After his family apparently confronted him about it, he gave you a reluctant, poorly thought-out invitation at the last minute. Then, when you didn’t seem enthusiastic (which is understandable), he began to complain about your lack of comprehension?

He has received absolutely nothing. I would have ended this nonsense much faster than you did. Typically, in situations like this, I would assume the in-laws were the issue. However, based on the sequence of events, my impression is that they anticipated your presence because you are considered part of the family. It seems your husband is the one who is strangely determined to maintain distance. You brought this up:

He has been telling me constantly that I belong with them and that I’m not an outcast, despite my frequent feelings of being one. I have to wonder, who causes you to feel more like that? Him, or his relatives?

Beck2010 −  You are most certainly NTA. While he is most certainly grieving, his not involving his wife is beyond the pale. You’ve been together a decade and he basically told you that he doesn’t consider you family and that you would be a distraction.

You assisted with organizing the memorial service, so how could he possibly be comfortable with leaving you at home? And he even drove off in your car. I’m incredibly angry for you! You were consistently kind and caring, and yet he continually chose to leave you out. You’re far more generous than I am – I would have already had the locks replaced.

seidinove −  NTA. At best he’s being completely obtuse. The offer of a plane ticket is his recognition at how badly he fucked up and how s**fish he’s being.. And this really chaps my hide:

I say that’s fine and since we no longer need to worry about buying tickets does he want me to join him to support him after the funeral? He says no, that it should just be family..Last time I looked, when you marry into a family, you become part of that family, as evidenced by all of the other in-laws being there.

IrishScottMutt −  NTA. I cannot imagine not having my spouse by my side at a family funeral. Wonder what the story was that he told his family. Also wonder why he didn’t want you there.

Was her response reasonable, or should she have been more understanding about the belated invitation? Let us know what you think!