AITA for telling my dad’s (almost) ex wife I don’t have to listen to her anymore?
Following their parents’ split, a 17-year-old female Reddit user details a strained encounter with Helen, their father’s soon-to-be former spouse. The author, who was never close with Helen or her children, believes they owe no loyalty to Helen’s offspring, despite having lived under the same roof for several years.
When Helen chides the Redditor for missing her child’s birthday, stressing their familial connection, the Redditor retorts that they’ve never felt like family. This interaction intensifies as Helen tries to impose her will, prompting the Redditor to state that they are no longer obligated to heed her words. The complete account is available below.
‘ AITA for telling my dad’s (almost) ex wife I don’t have to listen to her anymore?’
My father was wedded to “Helen” for a period of seven years. I (17f) never developed a close relationship with her or her offspring (ages 9 and 8). To clarify, these children are not biologically related to my father; they are from her previous partner, who maintained a distant presence, resulting in them residing with us on a full-time basis. My father has me and my brother (20m). Our mother passed away when I was six years old.
Their relationship began to disintegrate about a year prior, and he initiated divorce proceedings several months back. Helen and her children relocated. Nevertheless, Helen anticipated that my brother and I would continue to be involved in her children’s lives. She asserted that the four of us had become like siblings over the past seven years, a sentiment we didn’t share. We hadn’t given her kids significant attention or behaved as older siblings toward them.
They did refer to us as their siblings. So I am confident they truly considered me a sister and my brother a brother. However, we never used the term siblings. We would use stepsiblings or Helen’s children, depending on the person we were speaking with. Helen’s youngest celebrated their birthday recently. My father was not invited, but my brother and I were, and we chose not to attend.
The following day, Helen showed up at the house while my father was away and attempted to scold me, but I refused to open the door. She shouted at me for a short while before departing. She made several attempts to contact my brother from a restricted number after he had blocked her. When she was unsuccessful in getting him to pick up, she approached me on my walk home from school and insisted that we needed to have a conversation, but I rebuffed her, stating that she was no longer a part of my life.
She asserted that her children shouldn’t be deprived of their brothers and sisters as a result of a divorce. I responded that we had never been siblings to them. I informed her that I would not start paying them more attention now that she and Dad were divorcing than I had during their marriage. She countered that I had seen them grow up and couldn’t possibly dislike them. I replied that I had never paid them much attention.
I informed her that I wasn’t obligated to heed her any longer, as she was no longer, or would soon cease to be, married to my father, after she attempted to assert her parental role. I asserted that she lacked any jurisdiction over me and should come to terms with it, assisting her children in accepting the situation rather than harassing us. As I departed, she labeled me as heartless, subsequently phoning my father to complain about my alleged disrespect. Am I the one in the wrong?
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
CommunityGreat9255 − NTA. There are blood relatives. And then there’s family. Sometimes your blood relatives will be your family. But not always. Sometimes your family is people you share no DNA with, and sometimes your blood relatives are complete strangers to you, by your own choice.
In the scenario you present, it’s conceivable that you might have formed a deep connection with the two children despite not being related by blood. It’s a possibility. However, it seems that this didn’t occur. And no one can create that bond, regardless of their desire to do so. Helen comes across as truly awful and seems detached from the real world.
Astroblemes − NTA – she shouldn’t be hunting you down after school because you didn’t go to her kids party. Definitely don’t listen to her and keep her blocked. If she keeps harassing you tell your dad
Backgrounding-Cat − NTA you are 17 so trying to be your parent is not going to go down well no matter what. If this had been the first show down I would have recommended more diplomacy but clearly this is part of a pattern
LouisV25 − NTA. Step bonds are built. Too many people think the act of marriage makes you family. It doesn’t. It makes the couple family. Every one else has to build that bond because family is a relationship. She’s the AH. She doesn’t get to tell you or make you something that you’re not.
Their children’s emotions are no more significant to you than your own. To her, their emotions outweigh yours. Their father should instruct her to keep her distance. Since your brother is an adult, he ought to INFORM HER!
BeachgirlLuci − NTA. She’s acting like she can still play “mom” here, but newsflash: the divorce papers say otherwise. You don’t owe her or her kids anything, especially since you never had that sibling bond in the first place. She’s trying to guilt-trip you into playing a role you never signed up for. Stand your ground.
Tiny_War5975 − NTA. Helen should get her kids in therapy to help them process the divorce instead of using her time to harass you.
thaigoodlife − NTAH- You didn’t invite them into your life- they were placed in your life. It sounds like you were nice enough to them while they were around. Kudos to you. The divorce means they are being removed from your life the same way they came, the process is beyond your control.
It’s not your responsibility to stay in their life. They will get over it. It sounds like it’s a big deal to your ex step-mom but that doesn’t really mean it’s a big deal to her kids. She’s a d**ma queen stirring stuff up. The farth5youcstay away from her and her family the better it will be for you and your dad.
This could also be her method of maintaining a controlling connection. I would definitely speak with your father, disclose all the details, inquire about his sentiments, and then value his guidance.
clitsucker78 − If she shows up call cops. Do it every time & get a protection order.
I_wanna_be_anemone − NTA She’s delusional if she didn’t somehow notice you were only reluctantly participating in ‘her family’. You don’t respect her, you don’t love her. The same for her kids. While it’s unfortunate for the children, they’re victims of their mother repeatedly denying reality.
Please prioritize your well-being and inform your father about the stalking and harassment. If he is unable to provide assistance, seek help from other responsible adults. Your safety is the most important thing. You have crucial tests coming up and need to be able to concentrate on your studies, rather than his former partner.
rottywell − NTA. Came to the house while your father was away? Did you tell your dad this? Also, pro tip. You don’t have to actually even talk to her. Just walk away. She is trying to guilt you into something you have zero interest in. You don’t have to address any of her provocations. She seems to think she has a lot more power than she does. If you keep responding to her she will keep trying to provoke you. Just walk away no matter how many times she tries.
Was the user right to be resolute regarding their relationship with Helen and her kids, or were they out of bounds in their reaction? How would you deal with a scenario where family relationships are altered because of a divorce? Write your opinions in the comments!
