WIBTA for making my boyfriend miss a “wedding” to go to lake house with my family?

A person on Reddit is facing a difficult situation. They have a prior engagement for the weekend that clashes with the wedding of their boyfriend’s friend. They’ve been dating since the beginning of 2023, and their parents have asked them to come to their lake house for a family get-together, the first such event since they began dating.

This invitation, however, happens at the same time as a wedding party for the boyfriend’s college buddy, whom he doesn’t know very well. The boyfriend wasn’t originally invited to the wedding but got a last-minute invitation to the after-party, which he’s looking forward to.

The user sees the family get-together as infrequent and is torn about the possibility of it causing him to be absent from the wedding celebrations.

‘ WIBTA for making my boyfriend miss a “wedding” to go to lake house with my family?’

I’m a 25-year-old female, and my boyfriend is 27. Our relationship began at the start of 2023. I reside in a different state from my parents. The lakehouse we own is situated roughly halfway between my home and my parents’ (and brother’s) residence. My parents’ jobs require frequent travel, so I rarely get to see them.

In a couple of weeks, my folks inquired whether my boyfriend and I wanted to spend a weekend at our lake cabin alongside them, my sibling and his spouse, my niece, and my grandparents. This marks the first occasion since before my boyfriend and I became a couple that we’ll all be together in this manner.

The wedding is coming up, but my partner’s college buddy, whom I’ve only encountered once, is getting married that weekend. I don’t believe my partner has seen him frequently since their college days, and I doubt they maintain a close relationship. Before I continue, I must say that I have some sympathy for him.

Upon their engagement, my boyfriend shared the news and enthusiastically described the upcoming wedding. However, several months later, it emerged that my boyfriend was excluded from the guest list (which comprised over 150 people). He learned about this through a mutual friend who received an invitation.

About six weeks ago, my boyfriend’s friend contacted him and invited us to an after-party. Following the wedding and reception, there will be a bus transporting guests from the reception to a bar for this separate after-party, which is scheduled to last from 11 PM to 2 AM. My boyfriend is extremely excited about it and eager for us to attend.

This seems like a good time to visit the lake house, as it’s not something that comes up often. I may be out of line, as the news of the “wedding” reached us before yours. It’s an option to go our separate ways, but we both prefer to attend together.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

dart1126 −  NAH. I guess I can understand him wanting to go, but I’d definitely feel more conflicted if it was really to attend the ACTUAL wedding reception. It sounds like your boyfriend considers the groom more of a friend than it’s reciprocated. Which is a shame.

Being asked to attend the after-party at the last minute feels a bit off. I imagine you’re treading carefully with him, even though you likely want to tell him, “Honestly, the groom is a jerk and doesn’t value you as much as you value him, so just come with me.”

Over-Ad9975 −  YWBTA if you “make” you boyfriend go. Your boyfriend had prior plans and these plans do seem important to him (even if they don’t seem important to you).
So making him go with you instead of a prior commitment that he had would be the AH move. I’d say that splitting up for the events is a better move.

Spare-Shirt24 −  YWBTA to “make” your bf miss his previous plans but YWNBTA to ask him if he would *consider* going to the lakehouse instead.
Your bf already had plans that he was looking forward to and if he wants to go there, he should and you shouldn’t be upset if that’s what he chooses to do.

juicer42 −  The thing is the wedding is a one time opportunity and while it may be rare for your family to get together in this way at the lake house it is unlikely to be the last time. Talk to your BF more- the wedding may be the only chance for him to see some of his old college friends, even if they aren’t that close any more.

Friarboy −  Yes, YTA for “making” him. Have a grown up conversation and decide to go to one or the other, or split up.

Impossible_Rain_4727 −  NAH: You should go to the lakehouse with your family. He should go with his college friends who he hasn’t had the opportunity to see in years. I think it would be unfair to ask the other to give up seeing their people.

huevorch −  YTA. He clearly wants to go, and it was a previous commitment. I don’t think you get to decide if it’s OK for him to want to go or not. It might not even be the friend, but all the other friends that he’s going to meet from college what is making him want to go, even if he is not being considered for the reception.

Forcing someone into doing something is a definite relationship no-no.

Laines_Ecossaises −  INFO: How are you making him go? Doesn’t seem like an AITA situation. You two need to work this out but no one is an AH for wanting to go to their events. Although your bf sounds kind of pathetic for relishing a pity invite, it doesn’t make him an AH.

8888rahim −  Apologies (sort of) for my cynicism. You’ve been dating for a year and change, don’t mention if you live together or how committed this relationship really is. By no means should you feel compelled to go to his college reunion (which may not even be about the groom, but wanting to hang out with a group he’s got positive history with).

He shouldn’t be forced into a weekend trip to a distant lake house, involving a lengthy drive, where he’d probably feel like an awkward outsider. He’d likely spend the time politely smiling, feeling trapped and miserable while you enjoy your usual family activities.

Having your parents visit and him feeling obligated to have dinner with them for a couple of hours is understandable, but expecting him to spend three days with unfamiliar people, having to feign enjoyment even if he’s unhappy (plus the lengthy commute), is overly demanding and controlling, even for a married couple.

You’re merely being critical of his wish to spend time with his friends; perhaps he’s more drawn to the shared memories than to the groom himself. It’s not your place to dictate whether he should feel slighted by the after-party invitation. How presumptuous of you to assume you understand his feelings about the invitation better than he does.

You’re the one placing yourself between your family and him. Your disapproval of his choice to spend time with his longtime buddies implies a lack of respect and raises concerns about where things are headed. That’s just my take.

iftair −  YWNBTA as long as you ask him. Demanding him to go to the lake house with you may come off as rude and not letting him make his own decision.

Is it wrong for the individual to favor the family event over the after-party, or is it reasonable to desire family time? What would your course of action be in this scenario? Post your opinions in the comments!