AITA for insisting my inlaws hang out with me if they want me to do favors for them?

A user on Reddit expressed their annoyance at being exploited by their partner’s family, who constantly ask for sewing and baking services but show no interest in acquiring these abilities themselves. At first, the user was happy to assist, but as the requests became more frequent, they established a new limit: they would only continue to help if the in-laws remained present to socialize and learn.

The change in plans didn’t go over well. The sister-in-law made excuses to avoid rescheduling, and the mother-in-law voiced her opposition. Even the user’s husband felt they were being too strict by changing what was expected. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for insisting my inlaws hang out with me if they want me to do favors for them?’

From a young age, my mother instilled in me the skills of sewing and baking. As a result, I consider myself proficient in both areas. Since my marriage, my in-laws have, on occasion, requested that I hem dresses and prepare cookies or cupcakes for various gatherings. I didn’t object, interpreting their requests as a sign of their appreciation for my abilities.

Of late, my sister-in-law has developed a penchant for thrifting, leading her to give me around three pieces weekly for modifications. Additionally, my mother-in-law began a new position approximately four months ago and now requests that I provide baked goods for her workplace potlucks each month.

I’ve never billed them, but my sister-in-law gets me Starbucks and my mother-in-law provides the things I need for any baking I do. The reality is that I’m starting to feel bitter about being counted on to handle things for them, when they are capable of learning how to do it themselves.

I volunteered to train them, but they consistently decline, asserting their contentment with my methods and a perceived lack of need for personal development. This month, I proposed an alternative: my continued assistance on each project contingent upon their presence and observation during my execution. This arrangement would facilitate passive learning, potentially enabling their future independent work.

I gave my mother-in-law the specific date and time to come to my house so we could bake cupcakes together. She responded that she might not be able to make it. So I told her, “If you don’t come and spend time with me, you’ll have to pick up some cupcakes from a bakery instead.”

My sister-in-law left a couple of dresses with me a fortnight ago, asking me to adjust the hems. I offered to do it while she was present, so she could see my method. She mentioned she’d reach out to schedule a visit, but I haven’t heard back from her. She seemed somewhat displeased with my suggestion.

We have a good rapport, and I’m aware they have a positive opinion of me. I also understand their reluctance to engage in learning isn’t a reflection of their desire to avoid spending time with me; instead, they seem content with me continuing to handle things on their behalf.

After I discussed this with my husband, he suggested I was unkind for altering my routines. He also said that if I’m unwilling to handle these tasks, I should decline. I believe my actions are reasonable. I expect my in-laws likely consider me to be the unreasonable one due to my updated requirements. Am I the unreasonable party in this situation?

Lets dive into the reactions from Reddit:

friskpoints −  NTA.. You’re not being mean, you’re setting healthy boundaries. Your in-laws have been taking advantage of your skills without realizing it. You’ve been super generous with your time, and now you’re just asking for some company while you work. That’s totally fair. Your offer to teach them is more than reasonable.

If they are not interested in learning or socializing, they have alternatives. You are not obligated to cater to their needs. Your husband is incorrect in labeling you as unkind. You are not rejecting them entirely; you are simply modifying the conditions slightly, which is perfectly acceptable. It is reasonable to prioritize your time and energy.

Stay firm in your position regarding this matter. If they truly value the work you provide, they will either accept your new arrangements or seek other solutions. Do not allow them to induce guilt in you for establishing limits.

Backinactionfinally −  NTA. For starters “changing how you do things” is necessary for growth, and your in-laws refuse to grow despite your generous offers to teach. Secondly, your husband needs to have your back, especially when it comes to doing endless favors for his family.

You should communicate that to him, with the expectation that he can facilitate a mutually agreeable solution for all parties involved.

pineboxwaiting −  NTA They have no desire to learn anything, but they DO need to understand how much time you’re spending doing favors for them . I think it’s totally fair that you ask them to hang out when you cook and sew. That way, they’re treating you like a friend instead of unpaid labor.

Snackinpenguin −  To them, you provide a service on demand because, familyyyyyy. You don’t mind offering the occasional service, but this is now a regular occurrence that they hit you up for. With the increased frequency of asks, it makes sense that they start to learn. They’re not willing to invest in that.

This arrangement doesn’t suit you anymore. You can explain to your husband that nobody mentioned that marriage involved a commitment to sewing and baking a certain amount each month, plus fulfilling requests whenever he wants. He’s free to take on some of these responsibilities himself. I commend these limits, stick to them!

anillop −  Classic weaponized incompetence. Oh I cant do that so you have to do it for me because I am so bad at it.

Scenarioing −   “I have offered to teach them, but they always say that they don’t need to learn since they like the way i do things.” Aw hell no. The time for hints is long expired.

I informed my mother-in-law of the specific date and hour to come to my place to bake cupcakes together. She replied that she may be unable to make it. So I responded, “If you’re not here to join me, you’ll have to pick them up from a bakery.”

You’ve done well, but you should have emphasized that the situation evolved from a favor done occasionally to a constant expectation of work, which is inappropriate without some kind of agreement to make it acceptable. “After I discussed this with my husband, he suggested I was being unkind for altering my behavior.”

You’re being treated, in his opinion, as an unpaid, always-available resource simply because you once helped someone out. He ought to be the one setting boundaries with his family. Your issue is more with your spouse than his relatives. It’s time to establish some firm boundaries. Not the Asshole.

cressidacole −  “Taken up thrifting”? Does this mean you’re doing free alterations/repairs on clothes she wears, or clothes she is reselling? It’s not just that they don’t want to learn. They are using you as free labour, and have no intention of staying while you work. They value their time far more than yours.

Perfect_Flow3165 −  NTA but I don’t think you’re going about things in a productive way. If they wanted to learn they would have asked, and they’re adults, you can’t change this about them. You were happy doing occasional favours but you’re right you shouldn’t be expected to do regular free labour for them just to save them money.

Do they contribute an equal amount of unpaid work or savings in another way? When establishing limits, concentrate on your actions, not theirs. You don’t want to spend all of your free time sewing and baking without pay, so discontinue doing it. Respond with “I don’t have time” or “I’m busy.” It’s not your responsibility to be the family servant, and I’m concerned that your partner believes it is.

Suspicious-Grand9781 −  Nta. My friend wanted me to sew a last-minute costume for her son. She came over and sat with me until the wee hours of the morning. She did it because I was doing her a favor.

It wouldn’t be hard for them to acquire sewing or baking skills. They’re exploiting your generosity. Stay firm, and if your husband proposes you handle the baking, provide him with the recipe and encourage him to enjoy the process.

Liu1845 −  “You don’t like hanging around while I do things for you? Maybe I don’t like being treated like someone’s personal pastry chef and seamstress, you know, the free “hired” help.”

Was the new rule implemented by the user equitable in establishing appropriate limits, or should they have addressed the situation through alternative means? How would you reconcile being considerate with the necessity of safeguarding your personal time? Please share your opinions in the section below!