AITA for letting my brother call me “dad” and refusing to tell him the u**y truth?

Following the passing of their parents, a user on Reddit finds himself in a familial predicament. He became the legal guardian to his younger brother, Josh, who now affectionately refers to him as “dad”. This has led to internal conflict of whether or not to disclose their actual relationship. Having been raised by his older brother from a young age due to parental negligence, Josh is under the impression that his brother is his father and is ignorant of their family’s history.

Now, extended family is pressuring him to tell Josh the truth, but he worries it might harm the loving dynamic they’ve built. Should he reveal the reality, or keep things as they are? Read his full story below.

‘ AITA for letting my brother call me “dad” and refusing to tell him the u**y truth?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I’m well aware that this story sounds extremely hard to believe and fake, and I’m aware that there will be many “shitpost” comments below. Sorry, but this story is 100% true and it is a hot topic of discussion in my family at the moment. I was born when my parents were both 19, and my only other brother (let’s call him Josh) was born when they were 42. They divorced shortly after Josh was introduced to the world (he was 4 months old at the time), and they both wanted nothing to do with the child.

Back then, I was 23, cohabitating with my girlfriend, then 21 (now my wife). I tried my hardest to persuade at least one of them to look after young Josh, for his and the family’s benefit, but they both flatly refused, insisting that I should take him in. So I became my brother’s legal guardian, and he’s been living with us for the last 12 years; things have been going very well for us.

Josh, who is nearing 13, refers to me as “dad,” my wife as “mum,” and our two kids (4F, 9M) as his siblings. He is completely unaware of his biological parents, and I’ve allowed this to continue. He doesn’t know that I’m actually his biological brother, not his father, and I’m beginning to experience guilt and discomfort.

Certain relatives on my mother’s side visit from time to time, and they express strong disapproval of him referring to me as “dad,” as well as shock that I haven’t revealed the reality to him. They persistently text and speak to me privately, making it impossible to converse without the recurring subject – pressuring me to finally tell him, which I’ve resisted.

I discussed this with my wife and she thought it would be wrong to tell him the truth because none of my parents wanted to take care of him and I’m the only person in the world who gave him the “father figure” everyone deserves.
I feel that he has the right to know what he is to me and what I truly am to him, but he’s suffered enough already and I just want things to continue how it is. Reddit, AITA? WIBTA if I let him know the truth?

The next update: https://aita.pics/Okfbw

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

christina0001 −  This is a good topic to discuss with a therapist or counselor that specializes in adoption related issues. My understanding is that it can be very distressing to a child or adult to abruptly find out that they’ve been adopted.

What I have come across suggests that it is preferable to inform the child in their early years that they originated from another woman and were then adopted by their parents, or words to that effect. Your sibling is beyond that stage now, although you should still address this issue promptly. It would be beneficial if he learns about this from you and your spouse. If not, someone will inevitably reveal the truth at some point.

Thrwforksandknives −  NTA. The assholes are your nosey uncles and aunts. You’ve raised him since he was a baby. You are the only paternal (and your wife, maternal) figure he has known. But I think you’ll shock him, if not turn his world upside down. But given your family dynamic, it very well might be that these uncles and aunts do it because they feel he should know. So it might be best if he heard it coming from you.

JJamesPl −  NAH. I completely get where your uncles are coming from. The little guy deserves to know the truth. But it doesn’t have to be now, and it certainly doesn’t have to be explained as “your parents wanted nothing to do with you” When he’s older you can explain some version of “when you were born, our parents were going through a really rough divorce, and neither of them could take care of you.

My affection for you was so strong that I yearned to nurture you as my own child. You represent the pinnacle of joy in my existence, and I am profoundly grateful for your presence in my world. I understand that this revelation may be overwhelming, potentially prompting numerous inquiries or a desire for personal reflection. Irrespective of your needs, I remain available to support you.

knitblue −  NAH. This is a really hard one, OP. I found out at 28 years old that my Dad is not my biological father. Everyone knew except me. What that meant was that for 28 years, every time I went to a doctor I gave them a false medical history. That I felt rejected my whole childhood by who I thought were my half siblings. They knew the truth. I thought it was because something was wrong with me.

It meant that any time, the wrong person could have let it slip. If I had of sent in that 23andme test I had sitting around, I would have found out. If I found out my Dad’s blood type, I would have realized something was wrong.
It meant that I had to face the fact that for 28 years, every single person I was related to had lied to me about my own identity.

I didn’t care that the bio-father wanted nothing to do with me. The man who raised me stepped up when I was a baby and never stopped being my Dad, even though him and my Mom split up when I was a baby. Hard to imagine being more loved and wanted than that. It’s a very difficult truth to tell someone. But lying to your kid until someone eventually lets it slip is the wrong way to go about it. He deserves to know his own identity.

They didn’t necessarily “not want” him. His birth parents understood their limitations in raising a child. You and your wife were delighted to become his parents and are grateful to have him as your son. He wasn’t turned away; instead, he’s deeply loved by those who actively *chose* to raise him. And regarding those who object to him calling you Mom and Dad, ignore them. You are his parents.

CallieEnte −  To add to what /u/christina0001 said, your brother is now what is called a “late discovery adoptee.” This can be incredibly traumatic for people, because they learn that they’ve been lied to (however well-intentioned) their entire life.

This is going to break his trust and rattle his sense of self and family, but the sooner you tell him, the better. Because the longer you wait, the longer you’ll have been lying to him. And in this day and age, he will find out eventually.
I’d highly recommend you line up therapy for him with a therapist who specializes in adoption and late discovery adoptees.

[Reddit User] −  N TA for allowing him to call you dad/mom – you are his guardians and the one raising him and if that’s what he’s comfortable with it’s really not any one else’s business.

Y TA for not being honest with him. The truth will surface eventually – either someone will reveal it accidentally or intentionally, he might come across his birth certificate when he needs it for something like getting a driver’s license, or he could use a DNA testing service. This secret is impossible to maintain indefinitely, and it’s definitely preferable for him to learn it from you rather than being shocked by someone else’s revelation.

LucidOutwork −  NAH. I think this is above our pay grade. There is so much to consider in telling or not telling. Ultimately I think the truth is best because at some point he is going to find out anyways. But be ready for a lot of backlash if you tell him. He is going to feel angry and hurt and abandoned by his bio-parents. When it comes right down to it, you ARE his dad, even if you are biologically his brother as well. And good for you for stepping in and being there for him.

BeanicusWeenicus −  So, this might be hard to believe, but I grew up in a VERY similar situation. Around 14, I learned that my parents were actually my grandparents, and my older sister was actually my biological mother. It was a lot to deal with.

There were numerous instances when I regretted being aware of that information. However, I am currently 22 years old, and ultimately, my parents remain my parents, my sister remains my sister, and my affection for them all persists. Their intentions were, without a doubt, to act in my best interest.

It wouldn’t make you an awful person to reveal the truth. What matters most is that you and your wife, as his parents, offer him support. Discovering that his birth parents didn’t desire him will cause him pain. Reassure him that you do want him, and share all the ways in which having him as your son has enriched your life. Affirm that you will always be his dad, for as long as he wishes.

TeamChaos17 −  Seconding the advice to talk to a counselor first about the best way to approach, but yes you need to tell him and sooner than later. Similar to any other adoptee, he has a right to know his story. And if he wants to keep calling you dad, that’s his choice and wouldn’t it be more meaningful to you both?

Nimzomitch −  Tell him. He’s old enough now to hear it. Source – a guy who didn’t know one of his parents wasn’t his parent until he was 25.