AITA for refusing to babysit during BIL wedding ?

A woman on Reddit shares the aftermath of her brother-in-law’s wedding, which follows a pattern of unkind statements directed at her during a past family event. Although she declined to watch several children at the wedding—because of her recent C-section and unease with the setup—her husband’s family is displeased and argues that her choice reflects poorly on them. The original account details the intricacies of this challenging family relationship.

‘ AITA for refusing to babysit during BIL wedding’

Me
I (32f) and my husband (34m) were set to get married in 2018. Two weeks before the wedding, my brother-in-law became intoxicated at my husband’s bachelor party. He and two cousins then proceeded to send extremely hurtful group texts about me to everyone at the party. This led to a fight between my husband and his brother. No apologies were ever offered, and my in-laws defended the individuals involved, claiming I was overreacting and that it was simply “British humour.” However, the comments targeted my looks, foreign accent, family, and medical conditions.

From then on, I generally kept to myself, remaining courteous but aloof and not trying to form any bonds. During the Christmas season, we revealed that we were expecting and shared our August due date. Simultaneously, my brother-in-law and future sister-in-law declared their wedding date and location for October 2023. The venue is a two-hour drive from where we live. A few days later, my mother-in-law inquired whether I had checked out the venue online, which I had.

The location is geared towards events without children. I mentioned to my mother-in-law that it seemed nice, but I was worried about the “no kids” aspect and how far it was from our place, considering weddings last the whole day. My mother-in-law assured me, “Oh, they’re not having a wedding without children.” Then we received the invitation in the mail – and it specified no children allowed, which is fine. Enclosed with the invitation was a message stating that, at the request of my mother-in-law and father-in-law, they had booked a room for us at the venue for the night of the wedding.

We responded to the RSVP with our regrets, explaining that we are unable to attend since we don’t have anyone we trust to care for our 7-week-old baby overnight. I don’t have any relatives in the UK, my husband’s family will be at the wedding, and he has stated that he will not attend without the baby and myself.

The following day, my in-laws phoned, clearly agitated by our refusal to be present. They suggested I remain isolated in our accommodation throughout the wedding, reasoning that my husband’s absence “would create a negative impression.” My husband dismissed their suggestion as absurd, pointing out the unreasonableness of confining me and our baby to a hotel room for the entire day. My father-in-law countered by mentioning that numerous cousins with young children would still be there, but we remained resolute in our decision.

One week later, FIL reveals that a friend of a cousin has volunteered to supervise all the family’s children, a total of six kids under the age of four, along with our seven-week-old baby, at our house during the wedding, since it’s the nearest location to the venue. We respectfully declined, clarifying that I had a C-section just eight days prior, and I’m unwilling to leave my seven-week-old baby overnight with a stranger and a group of six children.

We assumed that was all. Three days prior, I received a text from a cousin asking me to call regarding the wedding; I showed it to my husband, and we both dismissed it until yesterday. The cousin’s wife phoned, inquiring about what items she should bring for her daughter. Apparently, my father-in-law and brother-in-law informed the family that we would not be there, in order to keep all of the cousins’ children.

I was furious and denied her claim. I stated that I wasn’t operating a 24-hour, informal shelter for individuals who didn’t even care for me. My in-laws are claiming that my denial is shameful and reflects poorly on them and my brother-in-law. He has called numerous times, and several people from the group text have left messages requesting a “chat.” My husband and some family members agree with me, but others believe I’m being childish and holding a grudge to sabotage my brother-in-law’s wedding. So, am I the bad guy?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

[Reddit User] −  Nta. Be prepared they will leave their kids at your doorstep the day off. Don’t he home. Plan a trip with your baby and husband. Your husband is doing the only thing that he should do, and that’s not going to that wedding. Especially since his family keep disrespecting you, his wife.. The sheer audacity.

robinissocoollike −  They just expect you to take care of six other kids when you have a new baby and have recently had surgery. They didn’t even ask. NTA

TRACYOLIVIA14 −  Damn his family who doesn’t understand that you just gave birth needs a reality check. You are sleep deprived taking care of an infant . It sounds like it is your first child so everything is scary and new and you have to adjust and learn and figure out how to take care of the baby and yourself .You are still in recovery C -section actually takes longer to recover so you are still in pain . To expect from someone who had a surgery and her body needs to recover and is sleep deprived while taking care of a baby to watch 6 other kids is insane.

debdnow −  NTA: The nerve of your in-laws! Props to your hubby for being on your side. Be prepared for the day of the wedding for folks to show up at your door with children in tow because you *couldn’t* have really meant you weren’t watching their children.

Timely_Zombie4153 −  NTA. These people expect you and your husband to babysit god knows how many, under 4 year olds, when you have a 7 week old baby? What is wrong with them? On top of all the extra work just imagine having your newborn with an immature immune system exposed to all those young children! Its a recipe for disaster. Your in laws and BIL are s**fish AHs. May ask if their jokes and behavior have a r**ist element to it?

snarkness_monster −  In-laws are saying my refusal is embarrassing & makes them & BIL look bad. Tell them they are “overreacting,” and they made themselves look bad by volunteering you without your consent. others feel like I’m being petty & holding a grudge to ruin BIL’s wedding. “Sorry you feel this way. This is just my non-British disposition. Also, my “health issues” prevent me from babysitting, and I dont speak “Brit,” so I’m not sure your kids would understand me.”. NTA

7937397 −  NTA. You don’t owe them anything, and not attending a wedding because of a new baby is entirely reasonable. Before the rest of the drama I would have said it would be good for your husband to still go. Maybe leave early to drive back home to you. But after this behavior, maybe not.

pandora840 −  NTA! A single message from your husband in the group chat. “We will not be looking after any children except our own, and we will not be attending the wedding. I cannot tell you all how ashamed I am of your behaviour towards my family. We are not your free babysitters and my wife is no longer to be the b**t of your jokes. Rest assured that should ANYONE attempt to drop their children at our home then we will call Social Services for child a**ndonment.

This is the last I will say on this matter and I will prioritise my wife and child over all of you….get to f**k!” Then leave the group chats. As a Brit I’m ashamed of them. I am so so sorry that they’ve used the s**tty ‘British humour’ as an excuse for awful behaviour and frankly b**lying. If you were local I’d stand guard at your door to make sure they did not disturb your peace.

Traveling-Techie −  Arrange to be out of the house that day, because as sure as God made little green apples someone will show up with kids. NTA

luchr −  at least one of those kids will definitely get your baby sick.

Is the user right to decline babysitting, considering her current health and the family situation, or is she being too sensitive? What’s the best way to handle similar family demands while still taking care of yourself? Let us know what you think!